Is There Really A Cosmic Reason For Everything We Go Through? Yep. Yep. Yep.

PRESENT ... An Astrology Post. 

(Presenting the astrology behind all I just posted the last two weeks. Those not interested in some heavier astrology may wish to skip.)

For some reason, I started looking up yods on the internet again. I had found all this stuff on Ceres and Lilith (scary stuff on Ceres and Lilith, by several somewhat scary people), and that interesting thing on the Weeping Sisters and Saturn Chasing the Moon. I guess I wanted to look and see if there was anything I hadn’t found yet on yods.

Here’s the article by the Yod Queen, my astrologer, the gifted Alice Portman. 

Um, look at this. Here’s Alice, writing about quincunxes:

"The quincunx aspect is almost always present when there is death as death also describes a period of considerable change both for the person who dies and their family and friends.  The quincunx will involve the eighth house or the ruler of the eighth and the house that describes the person who dies.  E.g. if there is a transit of Jupiter in the 4^th house making a quincunx to Venus in the 8^th house, which  in turn rules the sign on the cusp of the 4^th house,  then a parent is likely to be the person who dies."

(And, OMG, look at this. The day my husband died: Transiting Neptune one degree off my descending [that’s the seventh house cusp, the house of marriage], quin my natal sun, and what rules my eighth house? Pisces, which is ruled by Neptune. Nice call, Alice!, So, here’s another way I could have predicted when my husband would die. I did, but not by this method.)

"Home moves also almost always have a quincunx transit, progression or direction as does conception and childbirth.

It can even show up when you meet the love of your life as this is likely to completely change your life."

And, um …

"If you have a natal YOD,  transits, progressions or directions that activate this configuration will indicate important times in the life.  If the YOD involves outer planets, then when that outer planet activates either of the other legs of the YOD  by transit you are likely to have some powerful experiences that can make core changes to your nature and your approach to life."

As I said, Uranus is one of the planets in my yod. Not only that, but when she read both our charts she felt that I was showing up as Uranus in Chi’s. (Apparently he shows up as Uranus in mine also.)

And WHAT did I just have?? Uranus sitting on Saturn, the apex of my yod and the handle of the bucket, making all those godforsaken squares. Now, when she read my chart she told me these things: This yod represents a spiritual test I have set up for myself before I came here to live this life, with great benefits to me if I pass. I am in spiritual graduate school and have done well with whatever situation I am testing myself on in this lifetime, over several lifetimes before. She didn’t think it had anything to do with Chi, or that there would be any adverse effects if I didn’t pass whatever test this is in this lifetime, just that my soul is trying to find out whether I’ve mastered something or not, and that it has to do with relationships and creativity due to the houses and signs involved. Hmm.

But then I found this yod article I had never seen before.

After I read that, I was thinking of what Alice had told me, but also of what I have learned about Saturn in my chart that I didn’t know enough astrology to know about at the time Alice read our charts a couple of years ago.

Now, what else is Saturn in this chart?? All those psychological problems introduced by my parents when I was growing up! So you have to look at the yod as, here are Neptune and Uranus here at the bottom trying to get along, but the thing damming up the works is the Saturn at the tip, the planet of restriction that we know, because of all the squares and what they represent, is all the psychological problems I have from growing up with a BPD mom and an absentee dad. I’m not really sure who “Astromanda” is, but she says that the two issues represented by the two planets at the ends of each long leg on the triangle don’t “see” each other or are blind to each other. 

Makes sense. I’ve been blind to much of what’s represented by the four Saturn squares most of my life. So much is made by astrologers of reading THE WHOLE CHART, and synthesizing THE WHOLE THING. So, instead of looking at this yod and going, “The apex is Saturn in the eighth,” I need to be saying, “The apex is these four emotional problems that growing up in a sick family with a BPD mother, overinvolved grandparents, and an absentee dad left me with.” That it took me 50 years to completely understand. “And they don’t work so well with the Neptune here and the Uranus here.”

If Nep Three is a writing career, that totally makes sense, because what are the Saturn squares? My parents made me think I was stupid, and I spent most of my life trying to succeed with fan fiction because I didn’t think I was smart enough or good enough to come up with my own original stories. My parents absolutely squashed any idea I might have of what I wanted to do in life, so I ended up in a career to please them and have had to work my butt off against student loans and time constraints in order to have the time to work on my own original novel ideas once I finally had them in my early forties. Saturn is holding Neptune back; Neptune is blind because of Saturn. Uranus One: Trying to assert myself in an original way in the world, with a Venus flavor because it’s in the Venus decanate. Saturn is holding Uranus back; Uranus is blind because of Saturn.

Astromanda writes that a yod describes a situation or a relationship that’s kind of off again, on again, and I can’t control how it works. Um, is that happening here?? Yup. And what do I see I have to do in order to avoid a huge lifetime catastrophe for two people? (Just sayin’: I think Alice was wrong about the “no big consequences” thing, here. I say two people because there may be nothing anyone can do about Rory. If she’s determined not to find her emotions, wake up in her marriage, and treat her husband better, there may be nothing anyone can do about those consequences for her. There isn’t a person alive on the planet who can be treated like that in a relationship and be okay with it.)

So look at all this: I’ve read one opinion (haven’t found it in other articles by other astrologers yet) that if Saturn is the highest planet in the chart, the individual will rise to prominence, but it’s a HORRIBLE road getting there. Also (different astrologer), if the chart has a formation like my bucket handle, where there’s ONE planet that contacts almost everything else in the chart, a transit going over that planet activates almost everything else in the chart at once, making it a very focused chart where all the planets are working together toward one goal. Often seen in the charts of prominent people, says this astrologer. I have Neptune in house three: often seen in the charts of prominent writers. AND … Midheaven (the point of career) is on the Weeping Sisters. And what do BOTH our transits say happens after 2023, when Chi leaves Rory and we’re together? Our bad legs: He’s still codependent, doesn’t talk up in the relationship, agrees to things he doesn’t like or want, acts and pretends so I have no idea he isn’t happy, and then …

And then …

And THEN …

Something happens in my career and I become successful, and I have a period where I’m busy, stressed, and worried and have to take my eyes off the relationship for a while. And Chi (who never recovered from codependency and STILL has no self-esteem) goes, “I KNEW I WAS REALLY UNLOVABLE! She doesn’t love me after all!!” attracts another affair, and at the highest point of my life I discover I’ve been cheated on and end up so brokenhearted I feel like my success is all dust and ashes.

Sounds like my career point is on the Weeping Sisters? Yeah. I’m going to end up crying, partially  because of my career.

Now look at Chiron in the eighth house: I keep attracting people who break my heart, let me down, and hurt me. I can react horribly, becoming hideously manipulative and controlling, or I can become very wise. Sound like it? Yeah. BUT: It’s also in Aries. According to one astrologer I’ve read, I blow through childhood emotional wounding with this placement like nobody’s business. (I’ll leave you to decide that.)

Here’s the thing: None of this bad stuff has to happen. He has one good leg in his transits where it doesn’t. (I have to look a little harder at mine.) But the only way for that to happen is for BOTH PEOPLE TO WORK THEIR ASSES OFF AT HEALING, GETTING WELL, AND BEING HONEST.

Right now he isn’t doing that, and I can’t control him into doing that. I can’t control him into leaving Rory. If I do that, I get a sick unhealed codependent and both our bad legs. The Weeping Sisters, all of it.

NOW. Having said all that …

Basically, my entire childhood created the idea that I not only can, but should, control other people and how they develop in life—just the same way Rory’s did her. My entire childhood created in me the powerful idea that I can be God and make someone else choose to heal. And that’s the Saturn that’s going to nix all that good stuff in the Davison and throw everything onto the bad legs. That’s going to give me the Weeping Sisters and a cheating husband and make a tragedy out of the second love of my life.

Now look at what our Davison says: Lots of hard work and tough tests for him, a leap of faith for me. Why a leap of faith for me? Because I can’t control whether he chooses to WORK AND GET WELL or not. The only power I have is to observe whether he is electing to do the work or not, and whether he is making progress or not, and STAY THE FUCK AWAY if he’s not. Even if I’m alone for the rest of my life and I’m heartsick about that. Even if it means the happiest times of my life are over forever, never, ever to return. Because I DO NOT CHOOSE WHETHER HE ELECTS TO WORK OR NOT, HE DOES, and WHETHER WE GET THE GOOD LEG OR THE BAD LEG IS ENTIRELY DEPENDENT ON WHETHER HE ELECTS TO WORK.

And my entire childhood has GEARED me to believe I should and do have control over that. The fact is, I. DO. NOT. And therefore can do nothing, nothing, nothing to control the outcome of this. NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING.

Read the first part of that second yod article. Really.

Now, I have to remember that Chi is an EXTREMELY SKILLED ACTOR. (And here's Moon Opp Neptune, which--guess what? Chi and Rory have in their composite, too. By now it should be obvious why. We're controlling, and he picks controlling women and then can't speak up for himself, because of a childhood that made him feel like he's inferior and has to grovel for anyone to love him.) 

He’s GREAT at smoking out what other people want him to do and giving it to them on the outside, while the real truth is that he’s seething with the resentment of really not wanting to, feeling overtaxed and overwhelmed and overworked, and the depression of unmet needs on the inside. And if he doesn’t want anybody to know, nobody’s going to know. In most cases, therapists joke that if you really want to know the state of the parent’s marriage, ask the children. These children don’t have a CLUE—STILL—and that’s why they’re bludgeoning Chi back into the marriage. Told you … skilled actor.

Now, look at this. What dooms our relationships? In Rory's and my case, it's because we're controlling. Why are we controlling? In my case, it's because childhood taught me that being controlling in trying to make others heal was doing the right thing! But it isn't, and that is a CENTRAL LESSON OF MY LIFE. If I don't get that lesson, I'm going to keep picking and trying to control sick people who don't want to do their work, and the rest of my life is pretty much screwed as far as relationships with other people go.

(Rory appears to be controlling for other reasons.)

Why is Chi thinking he's inferior and groveling and martyring himself to controlling people? Likewise: CHILDHOOD TAUGHT HIM that was the right way, and HE THINKS HE'S DOING THE RIGHT THING. When really he's dooming his relationships, because he's just soul-murdering himself, demanding that he be other than who he really is, and taking a pile of abuse from other people besides. Then he ends up so crazy with pain--as anyone would!--that he has to escape into an affair. And, BOOM! There goes the relationship, even if it was with someone who was struggling to meet him halfway. Nobody can meet you halfway if you don't like yourself, or trust the other person, enough to communicate honestly about your needs and feelings.

This is how a bad childhood dooms relationships and lives. We go all our lives trying so hard to be good and do the right thing, when the problem is we learned the wrong shit to begin with. What we're believing is the right way is actually the WRONG way, and if we can't get that through our thick skulls, we make the same fucking mistakes over and over and over and the problems get worse and worse and worse.

And if you know how, you can find all this in your horoscope chart, as well as the best self-help books. When your chart and your childhood recovery literature is telling you the same thing, and then you see it play out in your life ... well, maybe you should sit up and pay attention. (Parents: Get thyselves into parenting classes immediately!)

If Chi chooses to ACT and LIE rather than GET WELL, and I’m too needy and controlling, I’ll believe him (Nep Three, square ascendant, Prone to miscommunicate, prone to misunderstand, prone to miscommunicate, prone to misunderstand)… leading to the Weeping Sisters and Disaster.

Anybody can tell you, “Don’t have an affair with a married man,” and, “He’ll just turn around and do the same thing to you.” And you can grit your teeth and obey, but you don’t want to. You haven’t changed in your heart, because you haven’t actually LEARNED ANYTHING.

THIS, IS LEARNING SOMETHING. Learning something BEFORE bad things happen, rather than learning something BECAUSE bad things happened. Something Chi’s never done, and needs to cultivate as soon as possible.

All my life, I’ve dealt with horrible situation after horrible situation, wishing I had known all the facts before I chose what I chose.

This time, my wish is granted, thanks to astrology and to a lifetime of reading that taught me what I needed to know to make sense of the astrology. (And desperation miserable enough to make me buy 25 years of transits.)

LEARNING SOMETHING removes the need to do that bad thing and have the affair.

Without the learning, we grudgingly agree to do something out of a lack of understanding, because “Other people say so.”

WITH the learning, we understand why and how. Now we don’t WANT to do it anymore.

Even if we’re still crying because we miss him.

So: Is this a test? Am I going to pass it?

I think it’s a yes on both counts.

I’m not clear what the great benefits are if I pass, though. I see what the consequences are if I don’t, but if I do … is the great benefit just that I get to spend the rest of my “Chiron return” untroubled by the fear that a codependent husband or significant other is lying to me about our relationship because he believes he is no good? Or is it that we get Chi’s good leg and a great relationship?

And, you know, I already know the answer to that.

The answer is what HE decides to do. And I have NO control over that. Period.

And that's what "Astromanda" says yods are about.

Isn't astrology fascinating?