Of Interest...An Astrology Post

Saturn square Neptune.

Yes, we have a Saturn square Neptune in our Davison. And a lot in that article applies. Although it is a little woo-woo with all the "past life" stuff.

So let's forget about that stuff--not everyone believes in reincarnation, after all--although, our "past life" isn't always about reincarnation. Sometimes it's just, our past life. As in, our childhoods, how our parents treated us...oh, maybe a forty year marriage we picked out right after our parents were finished treating us that way, and we were still smarting from the wounds, perhaps? 

What resonates with me about this article that doesn't involve reincarnation:

1.) Yep. The Saturn is, as predicted, very close to my Venus, and the Neptune is, as predicted, very close to Chi's Mars.

2.) "The very essence of the Saturn-Neptune connection is one that suggests that the two people have come together to heal and evolve as individuals." I can sure see that about this relationship. What did his DUMPING me force me to notice and to heal? MY OWN CODEPENDENCY. What does he need to notice and heal in order to stop feeling worthless and actually create a relationship that offers what relationship needs to offer to and for most people? HIS OWN CODEPENDENCY.

3.) "If a person finds this passionate love in the current life but runs from it, he or she is running from their own personal evolution." Yep. For those few months in the early days of 2015, Chi looked and sounded so much better. Instead of hearing things like, "I have long thought that I was nothing that any woman would ever want," I was hearing things like, "You know what? I do count. I don't deserve to be treated the way Rory treats me. This really isn't a normal marriage. I do deserve better. And I deserve to be able to have dreams and pursue them without other people angry because I'm not doing everything they want instead."

What followed after that? Complete and total relapse. Nascent self worth gave way to, "Rory's angry at me and she says this is all my fault, so it is all my fault." When anyone could look at this person's behavior within her marriage and know quite well this individual had a lot to answer for. And then he went right back to looking at other people and giving them absolutely everything they wanted again, whether it felt at all good to him or not. Pretending for everyone else that things were fine, when what I heard about the truth in that house over the past three years made my heart hurt. 

Codependent, codependent, codependent, codependent.


4.) "The Saturn-Neptune connection will not resolve itself on its own, both souls must be willing to work hard to heal together." 

NO BULLSHIT, and may I please point out that word, BOTH. One person cannot do all the work. (That's what Chi is trying to do now, fix his marriage with only him doing all the work, and Rory not really interested or trying. Doesn't work, now, does it? Neither the fuck would this.)

5.) "To confront the 'danger' takes a very evolved soul and often I see one soul who is ready to deal with the karma and rekindle the relationship yet the other soul is not ready. This can be unbearably painful for the person who is ready to tackle the work. I should mention here that even if the relationship ends quickly, the two lovers will often continue to long for each other no matter who they are with or how far apart they are.  That is how strong and binding this aspect is within a relationship."

Proved last October. 'Nuff said. Bad news for me, I'm afraid. Maybe him, too.

6.) (After more past-life gobbeldygook), "So much depends on other factors in their charts and their current circumstances. If they are married to someone else, should they divorce? If they live far apart, should they relocate? These are tough decisions and it could take years of dedication to one another to make happen. Often, one partner is terrified of the other after the initial blissful honeymoon (Neptune) phase. When the reality (Saturn) of the situation strikes this partner, his or her emotions may become unbearable and he/she must close down emotionally out of self-protection. The partner cannot see immediate results emerging out of the connection because it seems so complicated and he/she isn’t sure that they are willing to walk through the fires in order to reach the heavenly love this aspect promises. The frightened, less evolved partner may even sever the ties." 

Again, 'Nuff said.

7.) "A deep entrenched wound is hindering the growth of this soul." Well, yeah, but I don't think we need to look back to a putative past incarnation. The deep entrenched wound here is eighteen years of being raised by an alcoholic and a codependent whose actions made this person feel utterly without intrinsic value as a human being. As if the only way anyone would be around him at all was if he gave up all his own needs and morphed, chameleon-like, into anything, anything, absolutely anything whatsoever that anyone "close" wanted or needed. The deep, entrenched wound is called, "codependency and low self-esteem," and this person keeps falling asleep and recycling the signs and symptoms over and over and over, instead of applying himself to addressing the symptoms, learning about ACoA issues, healing, and getting well. You only need to look back fifty years here, not five hundred.

8.) "While this soul is hiding and running away from his or her karmic lover, there can be no healing." 

(Because I'm going to kick his butt and insist on appropriate therapy and progress, while Rory is going to demand reinstatement of the symptoms. "You're supposed to do this for me!" And the rest of the family: "We're going to be angry and throw you out if you don't do what we want! Regardless of how she's actually treating you. (Which, incidentally, we could be forgiven for, since we don't know about it. Because you've never ever been honest about it, or displayed it the way it really was.") 

9.) "The scorned lover (the lover who died or was ruined in the past) is once again hurt, grows desolate, and may even give up on living if he or she is not very spiritual. How can something so wonderful, so beautiful and divine come to such an abrupt halt? Why doesn't he or she call? Why the disappearing act?  This wounded soul longs to experience the blissful aspects of the relationship and despite the challenging reality of the situation, this soul feels that the end result is well worth the torturous journey that must be taken to get there." 

Um... has that been me the last three years or what?? 

10.) "...astrology can help lovers understand the push-pull effect of their karmic relationships. It may not end the pain, it may not sweep away the hollow emptiness left when one karmic lover suddenly deserts the other, but it can help transform the bitterness left bobbing in the wake of abandonment into something much more bittersweet, that of spiritual understanding and acceptance."

I guess that's where I'm at now. I understand what happened and why. Really, there's nothing to do but accept it, because like it or not, I have no power in what happens here. The only power I have is to look at what I'm being presented, observe whether it's healthy or not, and decline it if it's not. I will not decide what happens here, and neither will Rory. We will BE TOLD what happens. It's going to be decided for us.

Even Chi may THINK he's letting his adult children, or his other relatives, make the decision, instead of Chi himself. (The classic codependent, "This person is upset, so I have no choice but to do X.") 

In actuality, Chi is the one doing the deciding. It's just HOW he's doing the deciding that's under debate here. Currently, Chi's (codependent) thinking runs like this: "If anyone anywhere in the northern hemisphere is unhappy and linking it to anything I did, I am at fault. If anyone else is unhappy, it means far, far more than the fact that I am also unhappy." (There's the lack of self worth and consequent complete lack of ability to apply any realistic perspective.) "So if someone is upset, that's how I have to make my decisions, and I can't do anything anyone is upset about." Then he blames that person. "I CAN'T do X because my adult child would Y." When the reality is, "I WON'T do X because I'm afraid of what my adult child doing Y might mean."

This, friends, is codependency in action. "Someone somewhere might be upset, and I am held hostage because of that."

It isn't healthy.

But I see this, and I can't change it. Only Chi can change anything about Chi. I have to change me from someone who can't accept that life circumstances are not going to go the way I wanted them to go, into someone who can accept that life circumstances are not going to go the way I wanted them to go.

Whether I accept it or not won't change the outcome. It may even push things toward a much worse outcome, because not accepting Chi's right to think any way he wants to think and decide any way he wants to decide makes me: ADDICTED TO UNHEALTHY POWER AND CONTROL.

Just like Rory is. (And the rest of his family, perhaps?)

And I'm not going to be like that.

11.) "The square more often indicates that there were difficult circumstances in the past that the two individuals failed to handle appropriately and they will once again face a similar situation together." Just what our transits this spring and summer are warning me about. 

12.) "This configuration can appear when both partners need to work toward a goal that will benefit mankind." Unlikely. It did actually happen to Neil Strauss and his wife, Ingrid De La O, though. (I'd love to look at this couple's synastry. Or how about the late singers Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash? What are the chances these couples have a Saturn square Neptune?)

13.) "Working with Synastry can offer amazing insights into Saturn-Neptune relationships and while explaining the difficulties inherent in these relationships can bring pain, especially if you must tell a person that Saturn is stronger and that the relationship may not manifest in the current incarnation, it can also bring about understanding and help the person who is hoping for a reconciliation to learn to let go and move forward.  The bliss that seems to be promised by the Saturn-Neptune connection in a relationship is not guaranteed, indeed, the lessons learned by engaging with a person who connects to you in this manner may be more important in the long run than experiencing the heaven of being in his or her arms."

Yeah. I can really see that now. Because the sad thing is, unless and until we each learn these lessons, neither of us will be capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone, ever. The codependent relationship, no matter which boss, child, friend, parent, spouse, or lover we are having it with, is never, ever healthy, therefore it has NO chance of ever being happy. Period.


Isn't astrology fascinating? 



So, the question is...


Which is the stronger planet in our square?

This is a ticklish question, since I have something invested in the answer, and also because I'm only a student.

This is not a case where the answer is clear and obvious. Saturn and Neptune in this Davison have aspects all over the place. If one had lots more, it would be an easy call, but...

In terms of sheer numbers, Saturn wins, with ten aspect lines total. But some of these are piddling little aspects, sesquiquadrates and semisextiles, to piddling little things like Ceres and Lilith. Most astrology charts don't even show those. Among the Big Ones, Saturn sextiles Jupiter, trines Mars, and squares the Moon (I ought to write about that sometime, too.) It sextiles the MC and it semisextiles and inconjuncts the two nodes.

But Neptune. Ahh, Neptune. Does it ever do anything good? (Might I remind you: MOON OPP NEPTUNE.) Here, it just might reflect a saved relationship. Neptune makes only eight aspects, so on cursory inspection, it loses. But what aspects it makes!

Our Davison has a HUGE conjuction of Pluto-Sun-Venus-Vertex, all sitting six degrees away from Uranus in house seven. These are all sextile to Neptune. (And, of course there's that pesky Moon. It's that horrible, dangerous opp--Danger, Will Robinson! Codependency!--but it's powerful, and it's Neptune, not Saturn.

Neptune has fewer aspects, but it has the classier stable with both the luminaries, Venus, Pluto, and the Vertex. And that great, big, whammy multiple conjuction. It's  trine Chiron (isn't that appropriate?) It's also semisextile Midheaven. It has the nodes, too, but these are minor aspects, not squares.

Also: Neptune--House 8, Scorpio. House 8 is the natural home of Scorpio. A nice fit. Saturn--House 12, Aquarius. Anything in House 12, I've read, finds its influence hidden, muted, or delayed in the life of the person. (As an example, Rory has Moon 12. Please Google Moon in House 12. This is everything I've ever heard about Rory. Another example: Venus 12, which I have. Often associated with hidden love affairs, since Venus, symbolizing your love feelings and sensual/sexual side, is hidden from self or others. Many astrologers comment on this placement of Venus indicating codependency in relationships, and always picking an unavailable partner--which I have done every time but once. 12 is an area of your life that needs work and doing that work hurts. Ahem, Chi has Pluto in 12.) 

So, because of the placement of Saturn in this "hidden" house, it seems the weaker placement.

I don't know, to my untrained eyes, Neptune wins because the aspects and the planets it aspects are more powerful. Anyone who reads astrology, please comment if you disagree.

I'm giving it to Neptune by a hair, but it's one close shave. So maybe there's hope yet.

But, really, there is no hope if I don't just give up on it and accept that I'm alone for the next fifteen years-to-forever, because if I don't, I'm too needy and controlling. Fixing that is my job.

And I always do my job. No matter how tough it is, and whether you-know-who does his job or not. 

***
P.S., I don't have any birth data on Neil and Ingrid, but about Johnny and June: They don't have Saturn square Neptune. They have the trine.
 
 

FRONT PAGE!!

Thanks, YourTango!!

THE MISSING PIECE, Part Two

PRESENT

Here’s the point: THE MISSING PIECE.

During my two-and-a-half year study of our charts and transits, Chi always a had a few I wasn’t sure fit. It made me doubt the astrology a bit. Selfishness was portrayed, and, starting right about now, pretty prominently. Volatility. Erratic behavior. Unpredictability. Hurting other people and thinking one deserves to.

These transits, I doubted. “Chi isn’t like that!!”

And NOW I realize THAT THE ASTROLOGY IS DESCRIBING

THESE FIRST TWO  STAGES.

OH

MY

GOD.

What the astrology is describing, is Chi FINALLY, at the age of almost sixty, ENTERING THIS PHASE OF HIS LIFE THAT MOST OF US DID IN OUR TEENS.

Individuation. Self-differentiation. The feeling that IT IS ALL RIGHT TO BECOME OUR OWN PERSON.

And what the astrology is telling me is that, if he does show up again and we aren't careful, he gets stuck here and never matures out of it!

The astrology, in the leg of bad transits where he never does his work and never gets well, is perfectly describing a person who flip-flops back and forth between “shell” and “rebellion” for the rest of his life!!!

PLEASE NOTE: Neither shell nor rebellion is healthy.

(Okay, they may be in childhood, because a kid hasn’t been alive on the planet for very long and has no experience or knowledge of himself to be able to do any better. A kid has to work with the experience he has, and at eight, ten, fifteen, he doesn’t have much.)

At sixty, however…

“I’m no good. Please love me, I feel worthless, I’ll do anything, ANYTHING!” That’s “shell” behavior, and at this age, such rigid and total denial of the self IS NOT HEALTHY.

“Fuck you! I’m sick of your rules and your total disregard of me! I’m going to do what I WANT, and too bad if you don’t like it!” That’s rebel behavior, it’s selfish, and at sixty, it’s not healthy, either.

And his transits in the next two years are telling me, "Look out for this! It's coming!"

I just didn't know til now what I was looking at.

Only the last column (see last week) is healthy. That column reflects moderation, a stance that honors others AS WELL AS the self. Children can't do that. Adults are supposed to mature to this level, and adulthood is a lifelong process of learning that healthy MODERATION between the needs of others, the needs of self, and when it's okay to act for self instead of others or others instead of self.

Not stuck at all times in others instead of self, and not stuck at all times in self instead of others. 

It is a place of balance between others and self. Sometimes you, sometimes me, both of us when and if that can be achieved. Balance in the Force! If you will. 

Codependency can be understood as a disease of failing to achieve this adult and healthy moderation. (Of course, it isn't the only one. Look at BPD, NPD, and sociopathy.) 

Fuck, man. Look at Chi’s sun sign. THE SCALES!!!

What I’m seeing reflected in his horoscope is the crossroads. THIS split:

At this time in the life, he either successfully makes this leap from childhood to maturity, and that mature ADULT ability to consider self AS WELL AS others, and of at least equal importance,

OR

He does NOT. Instead of making this crucial, successful leap in maturing this part of the personality, he does NOT make it to that moderate, wise, thoughtful third column, and spends the REST OF HIS LIFE FLIP-FLOPPING BETWEEN COLUMNS ONE AND TWO!!!

And…

And…

And…

IF I DO THE WRONG THING, I CONTRIBUTE TO HIS NOT BEING ABLE TO GET TO COLUMN THREE!

                                                                 ***

Why do I do this?? Why, why do I do this??

BECAUSE I DON’T RECOGNIZE THAT THIS IS A NORMAL STAGE OF HUMAN PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT, HAPPENING FORTY-FIVE YEARS LATER THAN IT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED!

Because I didn’t do my homework! I didn’t find out about this! I don’t recognize what’s happening.

And THAT’S BECAUSE I’M TOO DAMN NEEDY.

And THIS IS WHY our Davison is telling me that the success of the relationship depends on me completing some "internal process," and why I’ve been so damn persistent these last three years!
(Should he even be well enough to hit the rebellion stage again and come back to me right about now, which his chart is telling me he is.)

IN ORDER FOR HIM TO HEAL FROM CODEPENDENCY

I HAVE TO HEAL FROM CODEPENDENCY.

If I’m still codependent, and he comes back: “Oh, I love you, I need you, I’m ready to leave her!” I’m so needy, and I don’t know this, and I fucking believe it!

I don’t realize he hasn’t made it to Column Three! (Hey, he's been in therapy for three fucking years, right?? Who could possibly imagine he hasn't moved an inch! Especially since this therapist has forty years' experience, someone we both trust recommended him, and blah blah blah blah blah.)

But now I KNOW he hasn’t made it to Column Three, because I’ve DONE my motherfucking work, and therefore I see--I can observe--that he hasn’t. 

So I know that this “Chiron return”--if it does happen in the next week or two--is happening because he hasn’t done the work, not because he has. 

(Please note that I did nickname him "Chiron," and that, should things go poorly and he dumps me again, the time this is scheduled to happen is in two years...coinciding with my astrological Chiron Return...cited as a time in the life when many people experience serious heartbreak. Isn't astrology fascinating?)

If he shows up on schedule, it's an improvement, to be sure. At least he's beginning to find and fight for the self. But he needs to recover from codependency in order to do that in a thoughtful, mature way. The horoscope transits keep talking about the need for thought, slowness, reflection, meditation. THIS IS WHY!!!

It's gonna be tough. This whole family is enmeshed, and they don't understand what's happening. All they see is the perfection Chi's acting has shown them for forty years, and they're going to attack him for "destroying" the apparent perfection and "abandoning" "poor Rory." (They don't see that she abandoned him a long time ago!)

And that's why his transits right now are wringing their hands and counseling delay, telling him he needs a closer inspection of the situation. (And, for that matter, so are the tarot cards! How the HECK ya gonna get such strong agreement from every oracle you consult? What are the odds of that? Seriously, people.)

When he starts reverting back to Column One again, because the kids and the relatives all start mudslinging again, and I haven't done my homework, I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know why. I'm codependently whining, "But he said he loved me!" I didn’t expect it. It looked so much like he was better!

To prevent this, my job now is to see that his work and his therapy have been inadequate, redirect him to better resources and DEMAND that he try again, then LOOK TO SEE if Column Three is in view yet. If not, I have to leave him again.

And I can’t do that if I’m still lonely and needy. I have no one else in my life, and if I'm still lonely and needy, I'm heartsick, and afraid I may never see him again if I do that. And I can't handle it.

                                                        ***

Um, did you know that extreme, debilitating, horribly painful loneliness and neediness IS A CLINICAL FEATURE OF CODEPENDENCY? It’s called, PATHOLOGICAL LONELINESS.

Until recently, I didn’t know that, either. My loneliness is...was...a sign I’m still codependent.

I have to get over this shit forthwith, or I’m still codependent when/if he enters rebellion and comes back here again, and I torpedo his chances of recovery.

And, since a severely ill codependent can’t have a healthy relationship, I’ve torpedoed our chances of health as a couple (if in fact that were to ever happen). I'm a good enough astrologer now to be able to go through our composites and see the other aspects that are talking about this. And, I can put it all together and weigh probable outcomes based on what we each might do, because I read books like this one.

THIS IS ALL REFLECTED IN OUR MOTHERFUCKING HOROSCOPES.

And NOW I UNDERSTAND IT ALL.

OH

MY

FUCKING

GOD.

SO...Who ARE you guys, anyway??

Every week I see the same fourteen or fifteen hits on here. I can only suppose they're the same readers.

But nobody ever comments, so I don't know. 

Hi, everybody. Drop me a line in the comments section. It'd be fun to "meet" you. 

And thanks for reading.

FRONT PAGE!!!!!

I can hardly believe it! YourTango.com is featuring my fourth article for them on their front page this weekend.

I am pretty proud of this, as that site gets literally two million hits a month.

Thank you, YourTango!

(It's the ACoA article.)

THE MISSING PIECE, Part One

PRESENT

Valentine’s Days are bad.

Whether you’re single, dumped, widowed, or divorced. Valentine’s Days are bad.

I’ve spelled out here how the astrology tells a story. Put Rory’s chart, her transits, my chart, my transits, and Chi’s chart and his transits together, and they make a perfect mosaic, stretching on into the future. They all match up into a perfect story, and the events in one chart are answered perfectly with the mirroring events and feelings in the other two.

The story presents a branching path. It can go this way, or it can go that way.

I picked the path I would like to see, and I’ve worked my ASS off for three years to finish my part in that.

(Incidentally, that part is called, HEALTH. I’m going to need it whether I ever see Chi again or not. Similarly, his happier path is also called, HEALTH. He’s going to need it whether he ever sees me again or not.)

I finished these last few blogs, and it looked like I had come to the end of what I encountered the astrology and all this codependency reading to learn. Already know I, that which I need.

So, it’s Valentine’s Day, and I’m still alone. What happens next?

That’s when you go, I know the horoscopes SAY this, but the only way this could ever take place is if the person who is presented as my putative partner in this journey ACTUALLY COMES BACK and says, “I’m here! I’m ready to go on to the next bit.”

(And, yes, that could, possibly, only mean that he comes back and I kick him in the ass one more time, he applies himself in adequate therapy, and then…he decides that keeping his family intact is really where his heart is—his REAL heart, NOT his codependent one—regardless of whether Rory improves her own emotional health or not. Hard to imagine—you need a spine of steel to live with what he’s living with—but people make these decisions every day and they make their peace with them. They do. And who knows? Maybe she’ll wake up then!)

Either way, if I don’t see him again, it’s because he isn’t ready. After three years and that’s where they still were, there is NO WAY this sad situation changed substantially in three months. We KNOW that’s still the way it is.

According to the astrology (and, I have to add, simple common sense), this is the stage he was supposed to be ready by. He was supposed to be able to look at the past three years and where they’ve ended up, notice that he’s still in terrible pain, and be casting about for some answers, rather than just putting his head down again and going, “Well, I can’t do anything about it.”

If he’s not at that stage now, I won’t see him again.

And not seeing him would be a good thing in that case, because if he’s STILL thinking after forty years of this and a three-year turn through not-quite-adequate-therapy-land, that the right thing to do is keep on trying to swallow the pain and live this act everyone else is prescribing for him--when he’s so depressed by it he can barely see straight--he’s just never going to break through and get better. EVER.

And that’s no partner for me (or for anyone else, for that matter.) I need to RUN from that like it’s a tsunami.

                                                 ***

I had gotten that far. I had looked at that truth, and basically said, Okay.

I’ve been widowed four years, and I haven’t met ONE appropriate person. Not ONE. No soul mate, family-like friends, no potential boyfriend.

At fifty, I am ABSOLUTELY ALL ALONE IN THIS WORLD, and my “partner” in whatever crazy business is forecasted here may just signal, in this crucial span of time of about a month, that he isn’t ready and he isn’t coming.

So be it.

I will just stay all alone in this world. I will give up looking for people (because that’s all I’ve done for four years and it most definitely isn’t working out).

I’ve got my blog, I’ve finally gotten some rudimentary ideas for how to do a website, and I’ve got these two novels in various stages of work. I’m no professional, but I have ideas, and I’m finally excited about them. I waited all my life to have time to write, and well…that’s the one gift of no people. You have time, and NO distractions.

Let’s see if I can do anything. 

If not, who cares? This happened to me, and I learned from it. Others could, too. If not, life will go on, and the sky will not fall in. It’s an interesting challenge. And I’m nothing if not always and consistently up for an interesting challenge!

No people in my life? FINE.

I’m there.

(Oh, and by the way? THIS is where Chi’s and my Davison says I must be if the relationship were ever to work. So, of course, it’s where the other half of the job doesn’t happen and he goes, Nah, I’m not up to it. Sorry, but bye! I’m going to be miserable and depressed instead, and keep on acting so the people I'm "close" to aren't upset by it.)

                                                         ***

And then…and then…

AND THEN…

I was wandering around the mall and stopped into this pretty jewelry/metaphysical bookstore.

ONE copy of the book, Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends sat on a shelf, beckoning to me. It was the only copy in the store.

(Get ready for something woo-woo.)

I was thinking more of Chi when I picked it up, because it’s a divorce book, and I’m widowed—but their treatment of loneliness was the best I’ve ever read and the most applicable to me of any I’ve ever seen. In four years. (We’re actually supposed to be alone? We’re actually supposed to be learning how get along without other people? We’re actually supposed to be self-sufficient?)  

Of course, they go on and on about finding friends, but I haven’t found any familylike friends. I’ve found ONE person whom we fit each other as friends, and there are limits to that friendship. Oh, well. Guess I just go on with the self-sufficiency thing anyway!

Even though I just found out I made a horrible mistake on my taxes this year, I owe money to the IRS, and I won’t be able to afford health insurance this year, I bought the book.

Even though I don’t plan on ever being divorced (how can I be? I’m not meeting anybody!), it’s still an interesting read. I leapfrogged here and there about the book…

…and happened on THE MISSING PIECE.

                                                           ***

Allow me to explain.

The authors, Bruce Fisher, Ed.D, and Robert Albright, Ph.D., explain that, when we don’t get good parenting as kids, we have pieces of our personalities that didn’t grow into an adult state of maturity. That at some point in our lives and in our marriages, those parts “wake up” and start trying to grow from that child stage they were arrested at when our parents, for example, started drinking all the time. They cite several examples of areas of the personality where people often “wake up” and start to need to grow, but the one that caught my attention was this area called, INDIVIDUATION.

Or, as the authors explain it, the need to establish ourselves as independent people by rebelling against the rules parents, family, and society made for us.

When you grow up codependent, the message from parents and family is that thinking for yourself and appearing as you really are is WRONG. We’re not supposed to be, think, need, feel, believe, act, or appear in any way other than what parents and family want.

And this isn’t healthy. We’re US. They’re them; we’re US. We were born to be us, and we need to be us.

We can’t be that perfect little automaton that looks to others and says, “What do you want? I’ll be that so you’ll love me!” forever. Little kids are like that. And this is a normal stage of childhood development.

Did you know that? Before this, I didn't! 

I remember being like that. Remember when I wrote that even my mother’s favorite color was my favorite color? I so desperately needed her approval that I became her clone. And she DEMANDED that I be her clone. (And, sheesh, so did my dad before he died! No wonder I was so fucking messed up!) And that was how I ended up in the wrong career, which I will pay for til the day I die.

A lot of authors write about this human need to individuate, but only these people actually break it down into stages, and explain why the stages are and how the stages work. (Well, you see it a lot in books on parenting, but not in books on adulthood!) 

They explain that you start out in what they call the “shell” stage, which is what I’ve just described above. The stage in which you need, need, need your parents. You need their love. You need their approval. You need them to think you’re just swell and to say nice, affirming things to you. You need it so badly you will twist yourself into ALL kinds of pretzels to get it. You’re like a puppy. 

“Lovemelovemelovemelovemeloveme!”

That’s the “shell” stage. They named it that because the person is living out of a shell that's carefully constructed to reflect what close others want, and only what close others want.

Then you enter what the authors call the “rebellion” stage. You’re tired of being told what to do and you want to think your own thoughts. Only…you don’t know who you are yet, so all you can do is resist what others are telling you to do.

I did this as a very young child, when I was about five. My dad was a very mathematical, machine-oriented, technical type of person, and he achieved recognition and a career through this. He was determined that I would be him. My mother painted. She was an artistic kind of person who loved animals. This nature felt more like my own, so I sided with Mom and rebelled against Dad.

Unfortunately, in siding with Mom, I wasn’t really being me. She was borderline and felt very badly about herself, and she needed me to be EXACTLY like her to validate herself. So, although I thought it was me…it wasn’t. When I started to figure out it wasn’t, and I started to have likes and dislikes and want to do and think things that weren’t her, she got angry with me. I actually believed for a while that I was a bad person because I might like a different career than the one I said I wanted since I was four!!

AND I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THAT THIS WAS UNHEALTHY. I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS BAD. LONG past the age when most people have already figured this out. I once had a professor who tried to point this out to me. I couldn't figure out what he was talking about!

Then I had to move into healthy rebellion against Mom. “That’s you, this is me. I’m different, my own separate person.”

In sick families, we’re told this is bad. And that’s what codependency is.

So those are the “shell” and the “rebellion.” You still don’t know who YOU are yet. “Shell” thinking completely ignores the fact that there is a SELF who is a PERSON, and who IS SUPPOSED to be honored. "Shell" thinking is codependency. The "rebellion" stage...well...

Then the authors describe the last stage, which they call the “love” stage.

That’s when you figure out who YOU really are and what YOU really want, and you move toward those things realizing it’s okay for you to be who you are and that there’s nothing wrong with it. That it’s healthy to be and appear as the healthy you that all people are.

Then you can make choices based on the fact that it really is YOU, and YOU really want to. 

Then you are making choices, when you do things for other people, out of true love for self and others, and you do not do what strains you. You choose what you truly are comfortable with, and can give to others out of fullness, because you're making sure you aren't hurting, and that your tank is full, too. Note the word, too. Not instead, too.

Sometimes two sets of needs can't be met at once. That's when the healthy person takes a hard look at how much pain HE HIMSELF is in, and makes the considered decision: "I can't honor both your needs and wants and my needs and wants. In this case, since you are not a child or a helpless sick or elderly person, and I would be greatly injured if I put your needs above mine, in this case I choose to place my needs above yours, and take care of myself instead of you. And I do this with regret and no intent to hurt you, only to save and protect myself."

Sorry. That was long-winded.

But it’s not the point. It’s background information leading UP to the point.

The authors present these stages with a chart that looks like this. (I’m reprinting it. So sue me.  Although, I did add a few myself, for purposes of clarity.)


SHELL BEHAVIOR

Compliant, obedient                          

Feels obligation                                  

Consistent, predictable                     

“What should I do?”                          

“Take care of me.”                            

“You’re everything to me.”             

“I only want you to be happy!”      

YOU only and never me.   

REBEL BEHAVIOR

Self-centered, selfish            

Blames others 

Unpredictable

“If it weren’t for you!”

“I’ll do it anyway!”    

Chooses an affair-like relationship outside of the marriage to discuss personal issues; doesn't really want to, but may have an affair. 

ME only and never you!

 "LOVE STAGE" BEHAVIOR

Self-enhancing AND respectful of others

Flexible and responsible

Learns from mistakes (BIG one!)

"I’ve considered the alternatives.”

Choices, not obligations.

Works at self-awareness

Works at self-acceptance

Balance of self and others in decisions.            

I CAN choose you, but only if it doesn’t truly damage me to do so.

And now…

                                                     

(The POINT, next week!)