THE MISSING PIECE, Part Two

PRESENT

Here’s the point: THE MISSING PIECE.

During my two-and-a-half year study of our charts and transits, Chi always a had a few I wasn’t sure fit. It made me doubt the astrology a bit. Selfishness was portrayed, and, starting right about now, pretty prominently. Volatility. Erratic behavior. Unpredictability. Hurting other people and thinking one deserves to.

These transits, I doubted. “Chi isn’t like that!!”

And NOW I realize THAT THE ASTROLOGY IS DESCRIBING

THESE FIRST TWO  STAGES.

OH

MY

GOD.

What the astrology is describing, is Chi FINALLY, at the age of almost sixty, ENTERING THIS PHASE OF HIS LIFE THAT MOST OF US DID IN OUR TEENS.

Individuation. Self-differentiation. The feeling that IT IS ALL RIGHT TO BECOME OUR OWN PERSON.

And what the astrology is telling me is that, if he does show up again and we aren't careful, he gets stuck here and never matures out of it!

The astrology, in the leg of bad transits where he never does his work and never gets well, is perfectly describing a person who flip-flops back and forth between “shell” and “rebellion” for the rest of his life!!!

PLEASE NOTE: Neither shell nor rebellion is healthy.

(Okay, they may be in childhood, because a kid hasn’t been alive on the planet for very long and has no experience or knowledge of himself to be able to do any better. A kid has to work with the experience he has, and at eight, ten, fifteen, he doesn’t have much.)

At sixty, however…

“I’m no good. Please love me, I feel worthless, I’ll do anything, ANYTHING!” That’s “shell” behavior, and at this age, such rigid and total denial of the self IS NOT HEALTHY.

“Fuck you! I’m sick of your rules and your total disregard of me! I’m going to do what I WANT, and too bad if you don’t like it!” That’s rebel behavior, it’s selfish, and at sixty, it’s not healthy, either.

And his transits in the next two years are telling me, "Look out for this! It's coming!"

I just didn't know til now what I was looking at.

Only the last column (see last week) is healthy. That column reflects moderation, a stance that honors others AS WELL AS the self. Children can't do that. Adults are supposed to mature to this level, and adulthood is a lifelong process of learning that healthy MODERATION between the needs of others, the needs of self, and when it's okay to act for self instead of others or others instead of self.

Not stuck at all times in others instead of self, and not stuck at all times in self instead of others. 

It is a place of balance between others and self. Sometimes you, sometimes me, both of us when and if that can be achieved. Balance in the Force! If you will. 

Codependency can be understood as a disease of failing to achieve this adult and healthy moderation. (Of course, it isn't the only one. Look at BPD, NPD, and sociopathy.) 

Fuck, man. Look at Chi’s sun sign. THE SCALES!!!

What I’m seeing reflected in his horoscope is the crossroads. THIS split:

At this time in the life, he either successfully makes this leap from childhood to maturity, and that mature ADULT ability to consider self AS WELL AS others, and of at least equal importance,

OR

He does NOT. Instead of making this crucial, successful leap in maturing this part of the personality, he does NOT make it to that moderate, wise, thoughtful third column, and spends the REST OF HIS LIFE FLIP-FLOPPING BETWEEN COLUMNS ONE AND TWO!!!

And…

And…

And…

IF I DO THE WRONG THING, I CONTRIBUTE TO HIS NOT BEING ABLE TO GET TO COLUMN THREE!

                                                                 ***

Why do I do this?? Why, why do I do this??

BECAUSE I DON’T RECOGNIZE THAT THIS IS A NORMAL STAGE OF HUMAN PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT, HAPPENING FORTY-FIVE YEARS LATER THAN IT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED!

Because I didn’t do my homework! I didn’t find out about this! I don’t recognize what’s happening.

And THAT’S BECAUSE I’M TOO DAMN NEEDY.

And THIS IS WHY our Davison is telling me that the success of the relationship depends on me completing some "internal process," and why I’ve been so damn persistent these last three years!
(Should he even be well enough to hit the rebellion stage again and come back to me right about now, which his chart is telling me he is.)

IN ORDER FOR HIM TO HEAL FROM CODEPENDENCY

I HAVE TO HEAL FROM CODEPENDENCY.

If I’m still codependent, and he comes back: “Oh, I love you, I need you, I’m ready to leave her!” I’m so needy, and I don’t know this, and I fucking believe it!

I don’t realize he hasn’t made it to Column Three! (Hey, he's been in therapy for three fucking years, right?? Who could possibly imagine he hasn't moved an inch! Especially since this therapist has forty years' experience, someone we both trust recommended him, and blah blah blah blah blah.)

But now I KNOW he hasn’t made it to Column Three, because I’ve DONE my motherfucking work, and therefore I see--I can observe--that he hasn’t. 

So I know that this “Chiron return”--if it does happen in the next week or two--is happening because he hasn’t done the work, not because he has. 

(Please note that I did nickname him "Chiron," and that, should things go poorly and he dumps me again, the time this is scheduled to happen is in two years...coinciding with my astrological Chiron Return...cited as a time in the life when many people experience serious heartbreak. Isn't astrology fascinating?)

If he shows up on schedule, it's an improvement, to be sure. At least he's beginning to find and fight for the self. But he needs to recover from codependency in order to do that in a thoughtful, mature way. The horoscope transits keep talking about the need for thought, slowness, reflection, meditation. THIS IS WHY!!!

It's gonna be tough. This whole family is enmeshed, and they don't understand what's happening. All they see is the perfection Chi's acting has shown them for forty years, and they're going to attack him for "destroying" the apparent perfection and "abandoning" "poor Rory." (They don't see that she abandoned him a long time ago!)

And that's why his transits right now are wringing their hands and counseling delay, telling him he needs a closer inspection of the situation. (And, for that matter, so are the tarot cards! How the HECK ya gonna get such strong agreement from every oracle you consult? What are the odds of that? Seriously, people.)

When he starts reverting back to Column One again, because the kids and the relatives all start mudslinging again, and I haven't done my homework, I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know why. I'm codependently whining, "But he said he loved me!" I didn’t expect it. It looked so much like he was better!

To prevent this, my job now is to see that his work and his therapy have been inadequate, redirect him to better resources and DEMAND that he try again, then LOOK TO SEE if Column Three is in view yet. If not, I have to leave him again.

And I can’t do that if I’m still lonely and needy. I have no one else in my life, and if I'm still lonely and needy, I'm heartsick, and afraid I may never see him again if I do that. And I can't handle it.

                                                        ***

Um, did you know that extreme, debilitating, horribly painful loneliness and neediness IS A CLINICAL FEATURE OF CODEPENDENCY? It’s called, PATHOLOGICAL LONELINESS.

Until recently, I didn’t know that, either. My loneliness is...was...a sign I’m still codependent.

I have to get over this shit forthwith, or I’m still codependent when/if he enters rebellion and comes back here again, and I torpedo his chances of recovery.

And, since a severely ill codependent can’t have a healthy relationship, I’ve torpedoed our chances of health as a couple (if in fact that were to ever happen). I'm a good enough astrologer now to be able to go through our composites and see the other aspects that are talking about this. And, I can put it all together and weigh probable outcomes based on what we each might do, because I read books like this one.

THIS IS ALL REFLECTED IN OUR MOTHERFUCKING HOROSCOPES.

And NOW I UNDERSTAND IT ALL.

OH

MY

FUCKING

GOD.