Thursday, June 7, 2018

Um ... I have to post about this ...

Present ... another astrology post.


May I please direct your attention to this article.

I spent the last post nattering about my yod. I keep assuming my yod is at least partially about him. But I don't know that for sure. Maybe it's just about my struggles to find myself as a writer.

Then I began to wonder: Does anything in Chi's chart sit on any of the three planets in my yod? Because that would seem to confirm that it is, in fact, at least partially about him.

If you look at the article and the first picture, the first picture looks like my yod. The two long legs and the short base. The two long legs point at Saturn. The other two planets are Neptune and Uranus. I expected that, if the yod was about Chi, one of his planets would be at the same spot as my Saturn, Neptune, or Uranus.

Nope.

However, his Sun, Venus, and Neptune are all conjunct (which means that in the sky when he was born, if you looked up, they would all look like they were sitting on top of one another.) The conjunct isn't perfect ... Venus is a little off. But, when you place his chart over mine, his Sun conjunct Neptune is directly opposite my Saturn.

Which makes my yod ... the top drawing ... look like the bottom drawing. I have only a yod, but together we make a boomerang yod.

Please read the descriptions of both yods.

Chi, too, has a yod. Some astrologers wouldn't count it as a yod, because one leg of it is his descendant, with his vertex sitting on top of it, and not a planet. But, there are a fair number who would. I wonder if anything in my chart makes his yod a boomerang yod, too.

 I'm going to go and look. If something in my chart does this, I'm just going to shit.

...

...

...

Um ...

Chi's yod is organized such that the apex of it points at his Sun/Venus/Nep conjunction (which isn't a perfect conjunction, as the Venus and Nep are almost 12 degrees apart with the Sun between them. So the Sun is considered conjunct with the Venus and with the Nep, but Venus and Nep are not considered conjunct with each other. So one long leg of Chi's yod is Mars quin Neptune, and the other long leg is his descendant and vertex (which are conjunct in less than one degree) quin Sun, biquintile Neptune (Venus is left out). 

And my Saturn opposes his Sun, so ...

My Saturn turns his Sun/Nep, descending/vertex, Mars yod into a boomerang yod. Basically, superimposing our two yods over one another makes a formation that looks like a Star of David (only elongated because the two triangles are long and skinny.) We make each other's yods into boomerang yods.

Holy

SHIT.

No WONDER we have so many ties in our synastry they're like crazy glue. Not only that, but, say, when this Uranus goes over my Saturn, my yod AND his yod are activated at the same time.



Here's the question:

What is the point for two people to have such crazy-glue ties to each other in synastry that they can't forget each other, if all they're going to do is completely SCREW up their relationship and RUIN each other's lives??

Surely we planned to do better than that!


The articles state that the missing op that turns the yod into a boomerang provides the missing goal. So my Saturn is his missing goal. What is my Saturn? 

W
O
R
K.

WORK, work. WORK to resolve your childhood wounding. That's what I've done my whole entire life. That's what he HASN'T done his whole entire life. It staggers the mind to think how much better his life would go with better self-worth and a healthier understanding of relationships. And how do you get that?? WORK, work. WORK to resolve your childhood wounding!! My Saturn is his missing goal.

And his Sun is my missing goal. What does the Sun represent?

***

As Cafe Astrology puts it,

The Sun, the giver of life, represents our conscious mind in Astrology. It represents our will to live and our creative life force. 

Just as the planets revolve around the Sun in our solar system, we derive our life purpose from the Sun in our natal charts. The Sun is our ego. It is also our “adult”– the part of us that censors our “inner child”, that reasons things out, and makes final decisions. The Sun is our basic identity, and represents self-realization.  When you are asked, “Who are you?”, and you’ve passed your basic statistics and occupation, your answers will be a description of your Sun. The Sun also represents our overall vitality. The Sun directs us, and can be considered “the boss” of our chart.

The Sun () is so important in the chart, that the happiest people on this earth are those who identify (without over-identifying) with the Sun’s expression. Though one might think that the traits of their Sun would come easy to them, the truth is, the Sun shows what we are learning to be. It is very important to remember that the Sun represents reason as opposed to instinct.

Sun Symbol GlyphWith respect to the other luminary (the Moon), the Sun reflects the present or the “here and now”, while the Moon infuses the past into our lives through the feelings.

Grant Lewi referred to the Sun as indicative of “the psychological bias which will dominate your actions”. He went on to say, “You may think, dream, imagine, hope to be a thousand things, according to your Moon and your other planets: but the Sun is what you are, and to be your best self in terms of your Sun is to cause your energies to work along the path in which they will have maximum help from planetary vibrations.” (1)(Mmmkay. Well, I don't know about any "planetary vibrations," but you get the general drift.)

When we are “acting out” our Sun, we are purposeful, directed, proud, and creative. On the negative side, we can be haughty, overly willful, self-centered, and judgmental.

(Or, if it's conjunct Neptune the way Chi's is, we can spend our life using other people's approval, drugs, alcohol, food, TV, fantasy, busy-ness, other people's problems (especially family), or some other kind of addiction to help us run from reality instead of WORKING to become competent in the areas we don't feel competent in in our lives. Such as self-validation, perhaps?)

(Or, we could be very very creative and artistic. That's a good Sun conjunct Neptune. So I get to choose, just as he does, which way we want to manifest the Sun conjunct Neptune.)

(P.S., only one way has a good outcome.)

In the chart, the position of the Sun by zodiac sign represents the native’s life purpose and the style in which they leave their mark in the world. By house, the Sun’s position shows where our personalities shine. The areas of life associated with that house reveal the types of experiences which contribute to our sense of individuality and which shape our sense of pride. These areas of life are ones in which we seek to express and focus our Sun sign qualities.


Isn't astrology fascinating?

**************

Postscript: Why the fuck is it that as soon as I link to the perfect web page, the links don't work anymore no matter what computer I try to look up the page on?

Second best article on boomerang yods.

Friday, June 1, 2018

Is There Really A Cosmic Reason For Everything We Go Through? Yep. Yep. Yep.


PRESENT ... An Astrology Post. 



(Presenting the astrology behind all I just posted the last two weeks. Those not interested in some heavier astrology may wish to skip.)
For some reason, I started looking up yods on the internet again. I had found all this stuff on Ceres and Lilith (scary stuff on Ceres and Lilith, by several somewhat scary people), and that interesting thing on the Weeping Sisters and Saturn Chasing the Moon. I guess I wanted to look and see if there was anything I hadn’t found yet on yods.

Um, look at this. Here’s Alice, writing about quincunxes:

"The quincunx aspect is almost always present when there is death as death also describes a period of considerable change both for the person who dies and their family and friends.  The quincunx will involve the eighth house or the ruler of the eighth and the house that describes the person who dies.  E.g. if there is a transit of Jupiter in the 4th house making a quincunx to Venus in the 8th house, which  in turn rules the sign on the cusp of the 4th house,  then a parent is likely to be the person who dies."

(And, OMG, look at this. The day my husband died: Transiting Neptune one degree off my descending [that’s the seventh house cusp, the house of marriage], quin my natal sun, and what rules my eighth house? Pisces, which is ruled by Neptune. Nice call, Alice!, So, here’s another way I could have predicted when my husband would die. I did, but not by this method.)

"Home moves also almost always have a quincunx transit, progression or direction as does conception and childbirth.
It can even show up when you meet the love of your life as this is likely to completely change your life."

And, um …

"If you have a natal YOD,  transits, progressions or directions that activate this configuration will indicate important times in the life.  If the YOD involves outer planets, then when that outer planet activates either of the other legs of the YOD  by transit you are likely to have some powerful experiences that can make core changes to your nature and your approach to life."

As I said, Uranus is one of the planets in my yod. Not only that, but when she read both our charts she felt that I was showing up as Uranus in Chi’s. (Apparently he shows up as Uranus in mine also.)



And WHAT did I just have?? Uranus sitting on Saturn, the apex of my yod and the handle of the bucket, making all those godforsaken squares. Now, when she read my chart she told me these things: This yod represents a spiritual test I have set up for myself before I came here to live this life, with great benefits to me if I pass. I am in spiritual graduate school and have done well with whatever situation I am testing myself on in this lifetime, over several lifetimes before. She didn’t think it had anything to do with Chi, or that there would be any adverse effects if I didn’t pass whatever test this is in this lifetime, just that my soul is trying to find out whether I’ve mastered something or not, and that it has to do with relationships and creativity due to the houses and signs involved. Hmm.


After I read that, I was thinking of what Alice had told me, but also of what I have learned about Saturn in my chart that I didn’t know enough astrology to know about at the time Alice read our charts a couple of years ago.

Now, what else is Saturn in this chart?? All those psychological problems introduced by my parents when I was growing up! So you have to look at the yod as, here are Neptune and Uranus here at the bottom trying to get along, but the thing damming up the works is the Saturn at the tip, the planet of restriction that we know, because of all the squares and what they represent, is all the psychological problems I have from growing up with a BPD mom and an absentee dad. I’m not really sure who “Astromanda” is, but she says that the two issues represented by the two planets at the ends of each long leg on the triangle don’t “see” each other or are blind to each other. 

Makes sense. I’ve been blind to much of what’s represented by the four Saturn squares most of my life. So much is made by astrologers of reading THE WHOLE CHART, and synthesizing THE WHOLE THING. So, instead of looking at this yod and going, “The apex is Saturn in the eighth,” I need to be saying, “The apex is these four emotional problems that growing up in a sick family with a BPD mother, overinvolved grandparents, and an absentee dad left me with.” That it took me 50 years to completely understand. “And they don’t work so well with the Neptune here and the Uranus here.”

If Nep Three is a writing career, that totally makes sense, because what are the Saturn squares? My parents made me think I was stupid, and I spent most of my life trying to succeed with fan fiction because I didn’t think I was smart enough or good enough to come up with my own original stories. My parents absolutely squashed any idea I might have of what I wanted to do in life, so I ended up in a career to please them and have had to work my butt off against student loans and time constraints in order to have the time to work on my own original novel ideas once I finally had them in my early forties. Saturn is holding Neptune back; Neptune is blind because of Saturn. Uranus One: Trying to assert myself in an original way in the world, with a Venus flavor because it’s in the Venus decanate. Saturn is holding Uranus back; Uranus is blind because of Saturn.

Astromanda writes that a yod describes a situation or a relationship that’s kind of off again, on again, and I can’t control how it works. Um, is that happening here?? Yup. And what do I see I have to do in order to avoid a huge lifetime catastrophe for two people? (Just sayin’: I think Alice was wrong about the “no big consequences” thing, here. I say two people because there may be nothing anyone can do about Rory. If she’s determined not to find her emotions, wake up in her marriage, and treat her husband better, there may be nothing anyone can do about those consequences for her. There isn’t a person alive on the planet who can be treated like that in a relationship and be okay with it.)

So look at all this: I’ve read one opinion (haven’t found it in other articles by other astrologers yet) that if Saturn is the highest planet in the chart, the individual will rise to prominence, but it’s a HORRIBLE road getting there. Also (different astrologer), if the chart has a formation like my bucket handle, where there’s ONE planet that contacts almost everything else in the chart, a transit going over that planet activates almost everything else in the chart at once, making it a very focused chart where all the planets are working together toward one goal. Often seen in the charts of prominent people, says this astrologer. I have Neptune in house three: often seen in the charts of prominent writers. AND … Midheaven (the point of career) is on the Weeping Sisters. And what do BOTH our transits say happens after 2023, when Chi leaves Rory and we’re together? Our bad legs: He’s still codependent, doesn’t talk up in the relationship, agrees to things he doesn’t like or want, acts and pretends so I have no idea he isn’t happy, and then …

And then …

And THEN …

Something happens in my career and I become successful, and I have a period where I’m busy, stressed, and worried and have to take my eyes off the relationship for a while. And Chi (who never recovered from codependency and STILL has no self-esteem) goes, “I KNEW I WAS REALLY UNLOVABLE! She doesn’t love me after all!!” attracts another affair, and at the highest point of my life I discover I’ve been cheated on and end up so brokenhearted I feel like my success is all dust and ashes.

Sounds like my career point is on the Weeping Sisters? Yeah. I’m going to end up crying, partially  because of my career.

Now look at Chiron in the eighth house: I keep attracting people who break my heart, let me down, and hurt me. I can react horribly, becoming hideously manipulative and controlling, or I can become very wise. Sound like it? Yeah. BUT: It’s also in Aries. According to one astrologer I’ve read, I blow through childhood emotional wounding with this placement like nobody’s business. (I’ll leave you to decide that.)

Here’s the thing: None of this bad stuff has to happen. He has one good leg in his transits where it doesn’t. (I have to look a little harder at mine.) But the only way for that to happen is for BOTH PEOPLE TO WORK THEIR ASSES OFF AT HEALING, GETTING WELL, AND BEING HONEST.

Right now he isn’t doing that, and I can’t control him into doing that. I can’t control him into leaving Rory. If I do that, I get a sick unhealed codependent and both our bad legs. The Weeping Sisters, all of it.

NOW. Having said all that …

Basically, my entire childhood created the idea that I not only can, but should, control other people and how they develop in life—just the same way Rory’s did her. My entire childhood created in me the powerful idea that I can be God and make someone else choose to heal. And that’s the Saturn that’s going to nix all that good stuff in the Davison and throw everything onto the bad legs. That’s going to give me the Weeping Sisters and a cheating husband and make a tragedy out of the second love of my life.

Now look at what our Davison says: Lots of hard work and tough tests for him, a leap of faith for me. Why a leap of faith for me? Because I can’t control whether he chooses to WORK AND GET WELL or not. The only power I have is to observe whether he is electing to do the work or not, and whether he is making progress or not, and STAY THE FUCK AWAY if he’s not. Even if I’m alone for the rest of my life and I’m heartsick about that. Even if it means the happiest times of my life are over forever, never, ever to return. Because I DO NOT CHOOSE WHETHER HE ELECTS TO WORK OR NOT, HE DOES, and WHETHER WE GET THE GOOD LEG OR THE BAD LEG IS ENTIRELY DEPENDENT ON WHETHER HE ELECTS TO WORK.

And my entire childhood has GEARED me to believe I should and do have control over that. The fact is, I. DO. NOT. And therefore can do nothing, nothing, nothing to control the outcome of this. NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING.

Read the first part of that second yod article. Really.

Now, I have to remember that Chi is an EXTREMELY SKILLED ACTOR. (And here's Moon Opp Neptune, which--guess what? Chi and Rory have in their composite, too. By now it should be obvious why. We're controlling, and he picks controlling women and then can't speak up for himself, because of a childhood that made him feel like he's inferior and has to grovel for anyone to love him.) 

He’s GREAT at smoking out what other people want him to do and giving it to them on the outside, while the real truth is that he’s seething with the resentment of really not wanting to, feeling overtaxed and overwhelmed and overworked, and the depression of unmet needs on the inside. And if he doesn’t want anybody to know, nobody’s going to know. In most cases, therapists joke that if you really want to know the state of the parent’s marriage, ask the children. These children don’t have a CLUE—STILL—and that’s why they’re bludgeoning Chi back into the marriage. Told you … skilled actor.

Now, look at this. What dooms our relationships? In Rory's and my case, it's because we're controlling. Why are we controlling? In my case, it's because childhood taught me that being controlling in trying to make others heal was doing the right thing! But it isn't, and that is a CENTRAL LESSON OF MY LIFE. If I don't get that lesson, I'm going to keep picking and trying to control sick people who don't want to do their work, and the rest of my life is pretty much screwed as far as relationships with other people go.

(Rory appears to be controlling for other reasons.)

Why is Chi thinking he's inferior and groveling and martyring himself to controlling people? Likewise: CHILDHOOD TAUGHT HIM that was the right way, and HE THINKS HE'S DOING THE RIGHT THING. When really he's dooming his relationships, because he's just soul-murdering himself, demanding that he be other than who he really is, and taking a pile of abuse from other people besides. Then he ends up so crazy with pain--as anyone would!--that he has to escape into an affair. And, BOOM! There goes the relationship, even if it was with someone who was struggling to meet him halfway. Nobody can meet you halfway if you don't like yourself, or trust the other person, enough to communicate honestly about your needs and feelings.


This is how a bad childhood dooms relationships and lives. We go all our lives trying so hard to be good and do the right thing, when the problem is we learned the wrong shit to begin with. What we're believing is the right way is actually the WRONG way, and if we can't get that through our thick skulls, we make the same fucking mistakes over and over and over and the problems get worse and worse and worse.

And if you know how, you can find all this in your horoscope chart, as well as the best self-help books. When your chart and your childhood recovery literature is telling you the same thing, and then you see it play out in your life ... well, maybe you should sit up and pay attention. (Parents: Get thyselves into parenting classes immediately!)


If Chi chooses to ACT and LIE rather than GET WELL, and I’m too needy and controlling, I’ll believe him (Nep Three, square ascendant, Prone to miscommunicate, prone to misunderstand, prone to miscommunicate, prone to misunderstand)… leading to the Weeping Sisters and Disaster.

Anybody can tell you, “Don’t have an affair with a married man,” and, “He’ll just turn around and do the same thing to you.” And you can grit your teeth and obey, but you don’t want to. You haven’t changed in your heart, because you haven’t actually LEARNED ANYTHING.

THIS, IS LEARNING SOMETHING. Learning something BEFORE bad things happen, rather than learning something BECAUSE bad things happened. Something Chi’s never done, and needs to cultivate as soon as possible.

All my life, I’ve dealt with horrible situation after horrible situation, wishing I had known all the facts before I chose what I chose.

This time, my wish is granted, thanks to astrology and to a lifetime of reading that taught me what I needed to know to make sense of the astrology. (And desperation miserable enough to make me buy 25 years of transits.)

LEARNING SOMETHING removes the need to do that bad thing and have the affair.

Without the learning, we grudgingly agree to do something out of a lack of understanding, because “Other people say so.”

WITH the learning, we understand why and how. Now we don’t WANT to do it anymore.

Even if we’re still crying because we miss him.

So: Is this a test? Am I going to pass it?

I think it’s a yes on both counts.

I’m not clear what the great benefits are if I pass, though. I see what the consequences are if I don’t, but if I do … is the great benefit just that I get to spend the rest of my “Chiron return” untroubled by the fear that a codependent husband or significant other is lying to me about our relationship because he believes he is no good? Or is it that we get Chi’s good leg and a great relationship?

And, you know, I already know the answer to that.

The answer is what HE decides to do. And I have NO control over that. Period.

And that's what "Astromanda" says yods are about.

Isn't astrology fascinating? 

Friday, May 25, 2018

MAYBE IT'S ALL A TEST.

Past, Present, and Future ...

Maybe it’s all a test.
Do I understand, deeply understand, deeply grok it in fullness, that I cannot accept an unhealthy codependent relationship no matter how painfully lonely and needy I am, or how perfect-for-me the guy otherwise is? (Because, otherwise, he is!!) No matter how much I miss him, or how much I love him or he loves me? And that I can’t fix another person or induce that person to heal no matter what I feel for them or how they imply that I can? Do I understand that other people have to fix themselves and I have to fix myself? In other words,

Have I learned anything?

Because I really, really, really, REALLY
HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THIS, OR I WILL FUCK UP THE REST OF MY LIFE, AND, WORSE, THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

If this is a test, I'd still have to be painfully lonely and needy now, and I'd still have to really love him and miss him, or I wouldn’t care if he showed up or not! I'd still have to remember how otherwise great he is, or I wouldn’t care if he showed up or not!
And he has to show up, implying exactly as my mother did that I can fix him and that life will be hunky-dory if I just get my fingers all up in that pie again, as if I’m God and can change the soul of another person. The way children think. And he's such a good actor that if I succumb to this, for ten whole years, it will look like it's all working out! Until ...  

Just as our Davison warns.
We tell little children, “When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true,” and they believe it. I know I believed it when I was five and six.

HERE’S THE THING.
If it’s a test, then it’s all happening. FUCKING GUARANTEED.

That’s why I can’t find any appropriate people: so I still won’t have any good relationships and so I’ll still be lonely. And so the sick people can keep reinforcing the lesson, the way Richard and Jane just did, in case I’m still not getting it.
That’s why I’m happiest with other people in good relationships and therefore look back sick with longing.
That’s why Rory is so goddamned stubborn and obtuse. (Saturn square Pluto). If she weren’t, Chi would be more comfortable and have an easier time staying in the marriage. That’s why the family is so in love with the fake marriage and willing to heap scorn and condemnation on Chi to force him to stay.
That’s why Chi can’t find the guts to apply himself in therapy instead of using it as a complaining outlet, just like my mother did.

IF IT REALLY IS A TEST, THE DOMINOES ARE SET UP. And they’re scheduled to topple this summer.
Which way will they topple?


I'm going to be all right.
I'm going to be okay.

I'm going to be all right.
I'm going to be okay.


I'm going to be all right.
I'm going to be okay.



I'm going to be all right.

I'm going to be okay.






Friday, May 18, 2018

Just Because You Know What's Wrong With You, That Still Doesn't Make It Go Away.

Present.



I’m discovering as I learn more that I must have one of the unluckiest natal charts you can get. Not ONLY do I have Saturn square my Sun, Moon, Mars, AND Mercury, but I also was born with my midheaven right on top of the Weeping Sisters, and throughout my entire childhood I experienced a really awful phenomenon called “Saturn Chasing the Moon.” (It didn’t end until I moved out of the house and got away from my BPD mother. Isn’t that appropriate??)

Who the FUCK has all that? Not to mention: Saturn yod with Neptune and Uranus, and Saturn is the highest planet in the chart, the “handle” of a bucket formation.

Hmm.

It is said that the Weeping Sisters guarantee you a life with lots to weep about.

No shit.

Something else just occurred to me. Anne Ortelee, when she looked at my chart, told me I’d have met and married someone else by October 2017. I don’t know what she was looking at—Well, yes, I do. She was looking at Chi! But I looked at the same chart and transits and saw me hearing from Chi again. So did Alice Portman, and when I went to class, my teacher pointed out some additional indicators of something Big and Fateful happening then.

At first I thought, well, I can forgive Anne, she didn’t have both our charts. Then, I remembered: Yes, she did. She told me Chi was eight years old emotionally. (Now, that I can believe.)

I was right, over a big practicing professional Manhattan astrologer.

So I guess I’d better pay attention to what I see now.

Except … (and I’ve been through this once already, so I guess that will help.)

This, like last fall, is where I go: It’s May. Regardless of the accuracy of our charts so far, free will trumps charts every time. Here’s where it doesn’t happen, and I never see him again. And even though I know how horribly dangerous this relationship is, how unhealthy this person is from a bad childhood, and how resistant he is to doing the work required to get well … I’m still hideously depressed. Really, really hurting.

I already know I’m supposed to be grown up. Not needy for relationship, not fused with other people, just taking care of what I have to do every day, humming to myself and in a happy or at least even frame of mind, like everyone else. But something’s just plain wrong with me.

I know that this place where my heart just hurts and hurts is really just that baby and young child from 45 years ago, squashed by sick parents and rejected by cruel schoolmates and let to cry all alone. I know. But I still can’t make it stop, and I still can’t make it go away.

And I really need to get over this, because I see now, from the time my husband died, I was going to be all alone in my life for at least ten years, no matter what, and possibly even longer than that. I may have the power to barge in and change what’s going to happen. If I insist, I don’t have to be all alone for the next ten years. But if I do that, there’s hell to pay. 

Basically, I can choose to be all alone in my life now, or I can put it off until I’m seventy-one. 

I’m wayyyy better off doing it the right way … doing it now. If I grab at the relationship now, because I’m too lonely and weak and sad and scared to just walk away and accept that I might be alone forever and ever more, it’s a sick enmeshed codependent relationship. The same things happen in that relationship that have happened so far in theirs. I’m Rory, and he’s Chi. Nobody learned anything. Nobody got well. And it ends horribly at an age when NOBODY wants their relationship to end horribly.

Clearly, that just can’t take place. So I’m left with:

Scenario One:

He shows up on schedule. He’s still codependent, of course, because he sure as hell wasn’t doing anything with his recovery last fall, and I didn’t see much chance of that happening anytime soon, not with the attitude I was hearing and the people he spends time around. I still have to send him back home, and request once again that he address his own problems, not everyone else’s. We wouldn’t be back in each other’s lives for keeps in any case before 2023 (and there’s more in his chart supporting that.) And maybe Rory wakes up along the way and 2023 never happens. Because if she makes ANY change for the better at ALL, he stays. He doesn’t want to upset his adult children and his family. And that's the way it should be. Iff she wakes up and does better.

Scenario Two:

Something’s happened. He’s too codependent to even try ever getting out of there no matter how miserable he is, or Rory woke up and they fixed their marriage, finally. Summer goes by and he’s just, gone. Even if my transits are right and some relationship shows up in five years—it’s just with someone else—I’m STILL alone for five more years. The only way not to be alone for a total of ten fucking years is to accept an illicit affair with Chi this summer—and that turns out bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. Even though we have a Davison with very good potential. As I said, it seems that the reason good Davisons don’t turn out good is: Somebody’s being an asshole.

And what do we usually call people who have an affair with a married person (among other things)?

Although, I have to say: that 2023 relationship is reflected in all three sets of charts and transits. AND progressions. That speaks pretty loudly to me.

Whatever happens, I’m alone for at least five more years, and possibly even longer than that. Alone with the housework, alone with the laundry, alone with the dreariness of life.

It’s not like I haven’t met new people in five years. It’s just that they’ve all had emotional problems, or none of them fit like the relationships I always needed and USED to have.

This is when I go right back to thinking, Those were the good times in my life, and now they’re over and today sucks. There’s no point reminding myself that the company of a stuck, unhealed, self-loathing codependent wouldn’t help. He’d just yes me and resent me, yes me and resent me, then talk about me behind my back and attract another affair instead of risking and showing up and connecting and being authentic and being real, and the relationship would LOOK wonderful and BE fake. (Just like their marriage.)

I know. And it isn’t helping.

Why can’t I just be healed and live life like other people? What is it going to take to change my feelings and get me there?

**************************************************
Shortly after I wrote all that, this thought surfaced ... 

(coming next week ...)


Thursday, May 10, 2018

Twenty-two General Principles for Dealing with Codependency

FUTURE

At night, when the stars come out, if I'm outside, usually in the car, the first one I see, I always do that little "Star light, star bright" prayer. 

What do I wish for? Always the same thing. "If Chi isn't going to get well, please don't let him come back. I don't want to see him again if he's never going to get well." 

Doesn't mean I don't miss him. I do get so caught up sometimes in all I've learned about codependency and the negative consequences of the behavior that I forget the good stuff.

And there was good stuff. If these guys were absolutely no good for us at all, they'd be easy to forget, right? This guy was so sweet, so sharp, so smart. We understood each other so well. He was so funny. We could talk forever about so many things. Once upon a time, Chi posted a joke on his Facebook that was so brilliant and so funny, it was just the epitome of why I fell in love with him and thought he'd be The One, that long-ago someday before Simon ever got widowed and asked me out. (Only I thought Simon would be The One, too. Odd sensation, that. Just look at our horoscopes ... they think the same things!) I can't post the joke here. I wish I could. It's just emblematic of the mind the man has. 

I have a pretty limited, specialized field of knowledge. I've spent so much time with my nose in a medical book, an astrology book, or a psychology book that I really can't tell you much of anything about classic movies, classic books, classic music. But he can. One reason I think Chi knows so much about everything but his own problems is that his inquisitive, brilliant, far-reaching mind has seized on all these other amazing things the world has to offer as a way to distract himself from thinking or learning about his problems. And, yeah ... so does his natal chart. (Sun conjunct Neptune. Moon square Jupiter.)

It's had the side effect of making him absolutely brilliant. And a kindred spirit I still miss very much. 

It's hard to lose the two loves of your life.

And I wonder why I feel so lackluster in life now. When you've had the best, and then you lose it, life isn't going to feel the same ever again. It just isn't. Maybe I should just quit dumping on myself for feeling bad about that and just accept it. This is life. Oh, well.

So, what happens now?

Well, the astrology for the end of this spring and this summer is pretty darn clear. It would smack any idiot upside the head.

If it doesn't happen, I have to assume Chi is just going to stagnate and never, ever get any better, and I don't need to feel bad about losing him. The consequences of a relationship with a codependent this stuck are so clear to me now that I'll know I've dodged a big, bad, bullet.

If the charts call their shot once again, though ... there's where things will get interesting. Let's put it this way: Just because he shows up again does NOT mean he will eventually turn the corner, put his back into it, and become healthier; but the only way I will see him ever again is if that is a distinct possibility. If he's just going to stagnate, he's going to do that at home, or with someone else just as sick and stuck.

Will I follow my own damn common sense, or relapse and do something DUMB? Will Chi ever engage his own problems and get better?

Tune in next ... (For reasons I can't write here, I'm betting the end of the month.)

To that end, I composed the following:

 
TWENTY-TWO PRINCIPLES FOR DEALING WITH CODEPENDENCY

1.)    The truth always comes out. The truth always comes out. The truth always comes out. The truth always comes out.

2.)    That’s because it is, in fact, the truth, and truth is supreme in the universe.

3.)    The longer the truth takes to show itself, the worse the outcome is, and the greater number of (and the worse) people get hurt.

4.)    For these reasons, any and all relationship must always be grounded in the truth.

5.)    Hiding the truth from anyone, including yourself, in any way or for any reason, is never an acceptable thing to do, even when you’re scared. Even when you think you are trying to be nice or kind. Even when someone might get angry.

6.)    When in doubt about this, start at Number One and repeat.

7.)    If you are thinking or feeling the words, “I have no choice because someone might get upset,” or “Someone will get upset, so I have to ...” it’s codependent posturing, you're just groveling to get approval from other people, and you’re not displaying the real truth to yourself or to other people.

8.)    The truth is that you are a human being like all other human beings, with feelings like any other human being, born to unfold YOUR unique needs, talents, and potential, just like any other human being.

9.)    It doesn’t matter if your parents treated you as if you were not a human being because they needed to continue drinking, using drugs, being mentally ill, or whatever it was that they were doing. Even though you were born to people who shouldn’t have been entrusted with the care of precious, vulnerable, tender young children, the truth is that you are still a human being, with the same worth, feelings, rights, and needs to be yourself as any other human being.

10.) It doesn’t matter if you then picked out more relationships in which people treated you the same way your parents did. Principle Eight is STILL true.

11.) While it is true that human beings should not act out aggressively toward other beings or inflict injury to get what they need or want, it is also true that acting, pretending, lying, and turning one’s own feelings and needs down so as not to hurt anyone else is just as deeply painful and hurtful to the self. Refer again to Principle Eight.

12.) If this is hard to understand, start over at Principle One, paying special attention to Principle Eight.

13.) When any person is injured, or when truth is ignored, there are always consequences, and they are usually bad. In pondering this fact, please again review Principles One and Eight.

14.) When we ignore those consequences and repeat the same mistakes, the consequences happen again, and they are usually worse.

15.) When we are codependent, or we have low self-worth, we haven’t acquired a good grasp of the first fourteen principles.

16.) Therefore, the consequences take many years to show themselves, because we are acting, pretending, lying, and fundamentally dishonest in character. So, when the consequences happen, they are exceedingly bad. Life-ruiningly bad, in some cases.

17.) When people have emotional problems, the only thing that will fix those problems is their own determination to do so--their own reading, learning, and study, and their own hard work. Past the teenage years, the time when emotional problems can be altered by treating the sufferer differently is OVER.

18.) For this reason, the best way to help a person with emotional problems is to stand firm and demand that this individual do his own reading, learning, and therapy, and his own hard work. You cannot heal or mature an adult by babying him.

19.) Therefore, the truth is that trying to help an emotionally disturbed person by accommodating yourself to their problems and pain is a solution that never, never works, and this practice must be stopped.

20.) Those who fail to heed these principles will pay a price, usually a very big and very nasty one. It is quite possible to ruin lives by the failure to learn and practice these principles.

21.) The fact that our parents and our early life taught us something other than these principles, or implied that we were bad  or unlovable children if we acted on them when they wanted something else from us, does not make these principles any less true.

22.) Humans are not supposed to spend miserable lives in codependency and low self-worth. We are supposed to work, heal, and get well! So do that. NOW.