Friday, August 10, 2018

Since You Stayed

End.



Unless some extraordinary circumstance I might feel the need to report here suddenly happens, my learning arc with respect to the married-man affair of the past three years appears to have come to an end. I doubt I'm going to have much new to say, so I'm closing out this blog. Because Chi knows where this is, I'm going to leave my last post as a message for him, in case he ever wonders. I've made it my policy that I can't speak to him unless he speaks to me, so this is the only way I can speak to him.


Dear, sweet Chi,

I don't know how likely it is that you will ever come here to read what I've written about our relationship. Quite possibly the answer to that is, never. But if you are here, you're thinking about me, it's probably safe to assume you miss me and you're looking for clues about my feelings, and I want to leave you something so you'll know.

No, I am not angry at you. Yes, yes, yes, I still love you. No, I do not think you are worthless, I do not hate you, and yes, I will still talk to you. 

A year ago you chose, once again, to stay in your marriage, even though you were still deeply unhappy. I assume you are unhappy still or you wouldn't be here to read this. Since you stayed and I never heard from you again, I hoped that would be because your wife woke up finally and you reached a new understanding and a happy new beginning for you both. Not because I'm angry or unhappy with you or sick of you or because I don't want to see you ever again; but since you didn't choose me and you're still in that house, I want it to be for happy reasons and not unhappy ones, because that is what would be best for you.

But that doesn't appear to be the case, if you're here.

I want you to know, first and foremost, that I will always speak to you if you speak to me. If you're in trouble, if you're lost, if things are bad and nothing else is helping and you don't know what else to do, I'm here and you know where to find me. I will never steer you wrong, and I won't let you do anything dumb...as you already know from the last time we spoke.

I want you to know that I love you very, very much, and when you never spoke to me again, that has been one of the saddest things that has ever happened to me. Unless you and Rory turned over a new leaf and you're actually happy, of course. If that happened, I'm happy for me because I'm happy for you.

I want you to stop running yourself down and punishing yourself over what happened. Yes, the ending of our love was very sad for me. But, I learned so, so much! I learned about love, I learned about affairs, I learned about you, I found out I can read astrology and tarot, I learned about Rory, and most of all I learned about myself.

I learned I still had serious emotional problems that needed fixing. My marriage with Simon was so happy I never would have known this if he'd lived, and if you and I had tried to stay together, I still wouldn't have known it, and would have behaved in ways that would have doomed us as a couple. Since you left me, I had the opportunity to learn this and to work to heal and better myself.

That is what all relationship is about, but oh, especially when there's an affair. I did my work, I'm still doing my work, and I'm going to keep doing my work. 

It's my job.

If you're here, I'm assuming it's because you don't feel a bit special at all. I want to tell you once again that you are. Yours always was a beautiful kindred intellect and a sweet, funny, beautiful spirit, and it was a privilege to know you and to be with you, even in the limited way and for the limited time that we had. Only in your difficulty addressing your own emotional issues instead of everyone else's have you disappointed me. In every other respect, you and Simon have always been everything that I wanted. I suspect I will never meet anyone like of either one of you ever again.

But, that's not my job. Getting well is, and that's what I'm doing. I've learned that I need to be a lot less relationship-dependent, and that the best thing for me would be to fall in love with my work, not other people. So, I'm off to do that.

I'm easy to find. You know where. If you're stuck, if you need help, if you miss me, if you need advice, you're always welcome. Should I actually see or hear from you again, it will be a wonderful surprise and I will be very, very happy. Please know that.

I said no to seeing you on a regular basis before because I knew it would lead to a real, full-blown affair if we did that. I didn't want that because I knew it would be bad for you. You would never get healthier if we did that...you would use me to hide from your problems some more and only get worse. And I would never, ever, ever, ever do anything that would cause you ultimate harm, or that I knew would not be in your highest good. 

Popular wisdom says that we other women should stay away from you married men because we're hurting the wife by taking someone else's man. As if you are Rory's property, and your main job in life is making her happy, along with all the other Looky-Lous who observe your relationship from the outside, and believe they know the truth about it when they do not.

Sweetheart, living as nothing but an emotional and financial service station to other people is not your job. She has an much of an obligation in your marriage as you do. You're a human being, and you deserve some standards of decent treatment. You had forgotten that, or, to put it more accurately, you never learned that at home in the first place, and that was why I made the decision to step in to begin with. That, and unhealthy reasons, detailed in this blog, which I have since remedied.

If "the wife" doesn't wish to be hurt by the arrival of a third party, she needs to work on herself as hard as I've worked on myself, which is one of the reasons I wrote this blog. Affairs don't happen because people are being willfully ugly or mean. Affairs happen because three people didn't get well from three sick childhoods.

I want more than anything that you heal from the way you grew up. I want more than anything that you come to know yourself as a deeply good and worthy being. That's your job. Quit distracting yourself by running yourself down, cleaning, watching TV, doing volunteer work, and embroiling yourself in the problems of those close to you, and embroil yourself in your own childhood problems instead, so you can achieve this work before you die. That's what I'm doing. If you show up here, whatever else happens, I am going to require that of you. That's what I'm doing myself.

It's come to my attention that one of my real problems is that I don't believe in myself, so I try to escape into relationships and other people's problems instead of finding the courage to actually finish something, and then go out into the world and risk and try with my writing, instead of wishing and dreaming while I tell myself it'll never work.

Correcting that issue in my behavior is where I'm going to be.

If you're here because things aren't working and you're in absolute despair, come find me. You know I'll always listen and have some thoughts.

And if you don't come find me, always remember me as fondly as I will remember you.

I love you forever and ever.

Friday, August 3, 2018

The Most Horrible Two Words In The English Language

Never. (I Wish.)


This month has been an occasion for much worry and unhappiness on my part.

I expected him back sometime soon. The astrology accurately predicted this last time, and this time, well...

Out of five transits that specifically mention an affair, one has just now finished. One more finishes at the end of August. Two more are over in two months. The other goes through 2020. The thing is, these transits are H-U-G-E, spanning all three charts. And after they're over, more take up where they leave off, and they talk about the triangle all the way through 2023. In all three charts.

Last October, the astrological indications that I'd see Chi again were pretty subtle. I only had one clue. There were others, which Alice Portman found straight away, my teacher Kay and some of the more advanced students in my class found right off, and Anne Ortelee obviously saw but either grossly misread or chose to lie to me about.

This time, any idiot can see all these. They clonk you right over the head, especially if you have all three charts to look at.

But...I haven't heard from him.

Not that I can go ahead and have an affair with this person. THAT would be distinctly terrible and would impede the healing of all involved. No, the only thing this corner of the triangle can legitimately do, if approached once more, is demand that the other two corners of the triangle go back to childhood and heal from their respective codependency issues.

So, why the fuck do I even want to SEE this person again??? I know that right now, we can't have a relationship.

Because if he misses this date, he's probably going to miss all the other ones, too. Because I know the history of the situation, and I know enough to see that, barring a change of therapeutic community, the chances that ANYTHING has changed in that marriage are zero. Because I know the ultimate outcomes, and I want hope. Because I now know the most horrible two words in the English language:

GOODBYE FOREVER.

I don't want to say those words.

Don't get me wrong, I've come a long way since I was widowed. I used to be terrified at the thought of being alone, like a dog with separation anxiety. Now, I'm alone and I'm okay.

I just miss Chi.

Some people just have this wonderful quality of their minds and souls; it just shines out of them. Simon was like that, and Chi was like that. And we were compatible. I miss him, the inner essence of this person. That sweet, gentle, cute, adorable person who just had that way about him. That's how it goes: that person who gets you and you get him. They always have the way. That person who was so funny and alive and curious and intelligent, that person who did everything and knew so much about so much.

(Well, the healthy parts of him, that is. If a person is reflexively yessing you, pretending and acting as if everything is okay in the relationship while secretly they're unhappy about one, then two, then three, then oh, ten million things, while complaining to strangers behind your back and triangulating other people in while you have no clue anything is even wrong...that bit is codependency and that has to GO. No one wants to be LIED to, no matter how bad the news. Even if they think that's what they want at the time.)

The rest of him. That's what I miss.

But he's not back. The tarot: Let's see...ten of swords. Three of swords. The Tower. The Death card. The World, upside down of course. Hm. What else have I been getting that I hate? Five of cups. Six of swords. Look up some of those. None of them are good.

Last October, I discovered that the astrology was right and the tarot was wrong. They got good cards because they were in marriage counseling, I guess, and we got horrible ones for obvious reasons, but the report I got from that time was nothing like the rosy tarot cards they got. This time, I don't know. I said no last October. Maybe that's the reason the tarot cards will be right this time. Or, he's dragging the aspects ALL the way to the end, like last time. (Many mutable signs. That's typical. These people deny problems til they're almost literally ready to slit their wrists. And this I can vouch for.)

But I have to face the possibility, no matter how sad I am, that This. Is. The End.

Thoughts:

1.) Grief. I guess one thing that's happened here through all of this is I've put off saying goodbye for three years. It hasn't made it any easier. When I think of never seeing Chi again, I'm just so sad I can barely stand it. I wanted to get to know this person in ways I didn't get to. I wanted to stick out life's ups and downs with this person. I wanted to experience this person's presence.

I will say, I wanted the positive potential of this relationship, and not the negative. And I know what both are. And I'm grieving that there's no chance of the positive now. (The negative I can do without.)

I don't want to replace him and Simon with anyone else. If I can't have Chi, I'm fine. I don't want some nameless, faceless generiguy. I don't want someone just to have someone.

I'm willing to acknowledge that some other man as special as Chi and Simon were probably exists on the planet. If he turns up, I guess I'll know then, and that will be that. But I can't imagine him, I don't want him, and I'm not looking for him.

If I can't have Chi, fine. I'll just become a little old lady all by myself, thank you, and that will be okay.

But I'm sad. To think that I'll never see him again.

I'm so sad.

2.) The cards keep talking about the need for planning. I only recently realized that may not be about the relationship. I need to plan the rest of my life, now that I'll be spending it alone. I keep seeing the need for measurable goals. And I know that as far as things like my writing and my website, yes, I do have a few, and I have gotten some stuff done. But I spend far more time mooning and being miserable than I do on establishing any of the things I'll need to make some pretense at a career marketing my writing.

My cousin who was just in town--a recovered codependent and adult child of an alcoholic--BECAUSE SHE DID HER WORK--once said that any time she caught herself saying, "I don't have any choice," she knew she was in her disease. Similarly, every time I catch myself mooning over this recently ended past and not doing my work, I'm in my disease.

Now, look at this. I have a Grand Trine in my chart, between Chiron, Aries, 8th house, my Sun and Moon (which are conjunct), Leo, 11th house, and Neptune, Scorpio, 3rd house. (Interesting, because that's two fire signs and a water sign. Normally a Grand Trine is all three planets in the same element.)

A Grand Trine denotes talents you have that all work together. These come very easily to you, so easily you can become lazy and never do anything outside the trine, or never get very good at the talents because you think you don't have to work at them. Sun and Moon, my ego and my emotions, especially subconscious emotions; Chiron, the Wounded Healer (hence the name, "Chi"), and Neptune, planet of blurred boundaries, intentional or unintentional deception, transcendent experiences, and artistic talent.

Sound like a "fixer" personality to you? Like an enmeshed codependent, perhaps?

Hey, I come by it honestly. I was raised by an enmeshed codependent, raised to think I could blur boundaries and make others decide to heal, and not only that, but that it was what I should do!

I'm beginning to think that when I'm just sitting here stuck in wishing for this relationship back again so I can tinker with it some more instead of doing other parts of life--like setting goals for a career, for example--I'm "stuck in the trine." Talented at being in enmeshed relationships, and having lived in one or another of these for most of my life, I'm trying to go back to where I'm comfortable, instead of striking out where I'm not comfortable: Being all by myself, developing my talents and putting them out in the world to succeed or fail. I want to sit here and yearn for the relationship instead of working. Yeah, I know a lot about emotional problems, relationships, and mental illness, but just sitting here yearning for the relationship instead of making something marketable out of what I know is just practicing my disease. Which I know full well all fucking three of us need to recover from.

The last thing I notice is, as my instructor pointed out to me in class the other night, I have no air signs in my chart. I wonder if this has something to do with all of this.

I think it might. For those who are curious, the elements have to do with aspects of your character, how you approach things, what you're good at and what you're not. Fire is that go-getting energy that gives you an idea and makes you want to get started on it; earth is homey and sees to practicalities, and water is emotional, empathic, and sometimes blurs boundaries between yourself and other people. Air is about objective analysis. Air is about logic and intelligence and the use of the mind. I have no air in my chart, so I'm attracted to air, which is the element Chi has more than anything else in his chart. And often, when we don't have something, instead of making the effort to develop that, we try to marry it instead and make the other person "be" that quality for us. (Simon had a nice balance of all the elements in his chart. I have more fire than anything else.)

The thing I initially found most attractive about both men is they were so damn smart. They were so worldly and mature, and I felt like I didn't know anything about anything next to them. Had I read (fill in the blank)? No. Had I ever seen (fill in the blank)? No. But they did, and I admired them so much, I was just in awe. And they were successful in their careers, and I felt like I'd always be a failure in mine, to the point I was seriously concerned about becoming a professional bag lady. Does air have anything to do with success in a career? I think you need all four elements to make most careers go well, but seriously, why don't I want to brush relationships aside and concentrate on getting somewhere writing?

Because I don't think what I have to say is important to anyone, and even if it is, I don't expect the world to treat me well. I expect to give it everything I've got (and establishing a writing career is more WORK than anyone would ever, could ever guess) and the world will just dump me on my ass again. I expect bad luck, because I've had way, way, wayyy  more of that in my life than I've had anything else. Would that make me, everything I've lived, and everything I know and have tried to share worthless, or would it just make me feel worthless? Or would it just make me poor?

I'm trying to understand that it would just make me poor (once I'm too old and sick to work the career I have now). It doesn't have to confer a value judgement on anything else I am, do, or have.

Would someone gifted in objective analysis have a far easier time internalizing this as the truth, I wonder? Because if I did, I might not have so many hopeless feelings that drive me away from working on the career I want, and back to the trine to sit there and feel hopeless about a dead relationship instead, thinking relationships are the only way I can feel happy.

3.) Reasons I need to motivate myself.

(And any time I have motivated myself to do something I really didn't want to do, it was because I saw what would happen to me if I didn't. It was terrible, and I was scared, so I dug in and got it done out of fear.)

I see what will happen to me if I DON'T get out of the trine and find another focus for my life. It's part of my getting well. Even if Chi were here, if I didn't get out of the trine and change my focus, I'd just be all mired in his problems, overfunction for him, and ruin his health and mine.

When Simon was sick, I was overwhelmed, but I was in my element, helping another person. And I knew what I was doing was worthwhile to someone. I had an ear out for what the needs were, and I was coming up with ways to take care of those. I was trying to find ways to juggle all the responsibility, and I got lots of positive feedback from everyone around me, who saw I was doing a difficult job well and with love. And that was what I wanted to do. He was sick, and I wanted to help. That works well when a person is physically ill.

When a person is emotionally ill, however, this is all backwards. A cancer patient, as he dies, needs you to do more and more and more. A recovering codependent needs to do more and more himself, even though he thinks he can't do it and is asking you to do it for him instead, and telling you how great you are while you do it...just like my mentally ill mom. But your actual job is to have balance in your life and be out there happily pursuing your own goals, not fretting over the codependent, enmeshed in the relationship, and smothering. I have to do this job if I have that relationship in my life.

But I definitely have to do this job if I don't have a relationship in my life. Otherwise, there I am, stuck in the trine, not developing my talents and my will and bravery to risk and try in the world, crying and crying because I don't have a relationship, most likely a sick one, to hide from the world in. It was fine with me while Simon was sick, because I was most likely to fail as a writer anyway, I didn't want yet more horrorific disappointment and letdown in my life, and now I could just take care of him. I had a family, and of course that was far more important.

Not so when you have a codependent. That person needs to become emotionally undependent on you,  not more dependent, and overcaretaking in that relationship results in its unfortunate demise. As our bad transit legs so terrifyingly point out. That's what's happened to Chi and Rory's relationship. Too dependent on each other for the wrong things.

I've said it before, I think life took all my relationships away so that I'd have no other choice but to grow in this area. I mean, now I have NOTHING else to do.

And it looks as if this relationship is gone forever, and I never will see him again.

Grieving because the person is a real loss in my life is legitimate.

Staying stuck in grief so I never have to do anything else, isn't. Basically, everything I used to have in my life is blasted all to pieces, and nothing is left that really mattered. I'm busted all the way down to nothing now, and the only thing to do is start all over again and build a completely new life from the ground up. 

Sometimes, when people are gone, they're gone.

What happens when we just cry forever? I'm supposed to grow up and find a completely different focus for my life. Apparently one that doesn't involve any people, not for the foreseeable future, unless they're agents and editors, perhaps.

Hold me to it, okay? I have no wish to become permanently mentally ill, here. Oh, and what happens once I'm too old and sick to drive all over the state for work anymore? I need a way to have another source of income. If I don't change my focus, I'll never develop that, and I'll be living in a tent on Social Security. (At least, until the Republicans finally abolish it.)

Since I have no real reason anymore to expect Chi back again, I guess this is the next to last post in this blog.

Thanks for reading. It's been nice knowing you.