Is There Really A Cosmic Reason For Everything We Go Through? Yep. Yep. Yep.

PRESENT ... An Astrology Post. 

(Presenting the astrology behind all I just posted the last two weeks. Those not interested in some heavier astrology may wish to skip.)

For some reason, I started looking up yods on the internet again. I had found all this stuff on Ceres and Lilith (scary stuff on Ceres and Lilith, by several somewhat scary people), and that interesting thing on the Weeping Sisters and Saturn Chasing the Moon. I guess I wanted to look and see if there was anything I hadn’t found yet on yods.

Here’s the article by the Yod Queen, my astrologer, the gifted Alice Portman. 

Um, look at this. Here’s Alice, writing about quincunxes:

"The quincunx aspect is almost always present when there is death as death also describes a period of considerable change both for the person who dies and their family and friends.  The quincunx will involve the eighth house or the ruler of the eighth and the house that describes the person who dies.  E.g. if there is a transit of Jupiter in the 4^th house making a quincunx to Venus in the 8^th house, which  in turn rules the sign on the cusp of the 4^th house,  then a parent is likely to be the person who dies."

(And, OMG, look at this. The day my husband died: Transiting Neptune one degree off my descending [that’s the seventh house cusp, the house of marriage], quin my natal sun, and what rules my eighth house? Pisces, which is ruled by Neptune. Nice call, Alice!, So, here’s another way I could have predicted when my husband would die. I did, but not by this method.)

"Home moves also almost always have a quincunx transit, progression or direction as does conception and childbirth.

It can even show up when you meet the love of your life as this is likely to completely change your life."

And, um …

"If you have a natal YOD,  transits, progressions or directions that activate this configuration will indicate important times in the life.  If the YOD involves outer planets, then when that outer planet activates either of the other legs of the YOD  by transit you are likely to have some powerful experiences that can make core changes to your nature and your approach to life."

As I said, Uranus is one of the planets in my yod. Not only that, but when she read both our charts she felt that I was showing up as Uranus in Chi’s. (Apparently he shows up as Uranus in mine also.)

And WHAT did I just have?? Uranus sitting on Saturn, the apex of my yod and the handle of the bucket, making all those godforsaken squares. Now, when she read my chart she told me these things: This yod represents a spiritual test I have set up for myself before I came here to live this life, with great benefits to me if I pass. I am in spiritual graduate school and have done well with whatever situation I am testing myself on in this lifetime, over several lifetimes before. She didn’t think it had anything to do with Chi, or that there would be any adverse effects if I didn’t pass whatever test this is in this lifetime, just that my soul is trying to find out whether I’ve mastered something or not, and that it has to do with relationships and creativity due to the houses and signs involved. Hmm.

But then I found this yod article I had never seen before.

After I read that, I was thinking of what Alice had told me, but also of what I have learned about Saturn in my chart that I didn’t know enough astrology to know about at the time Alice read our charts a couple of years ago.

Now, what else is Saturn in this chart?? All those psychological problems introduced by my parents when I was growing up! So you have to look at the yod as, here are Neptune and Uranus here at the bottom trying to get along, but the thing damming up the works is the Saturn at the tip, the planet of restriction that we know, because of all the squares and what they represent, is all the psychological problems I have from growing up with a BPD mom and an absentee dad. I’m not really sure who “Astromanda” is, but she says that the two issues represented by the two planets at the ends of each long leg on the triangle don’t “see” each other or are blind to each other. 

Makes sense. I’ve been blind to much of what’s represented by the four Saturn squares most of my life. So much is made by astrologers of reading THE WHOLE CHART, and synthesizing THE WHOLE THING. So, instead of looking at this yod and going, “The apex is Saturn in the eighth,” I need to be saying, “The apex is these four emotional problems that growing up in a sick family with a BPD mother, overinvolved grandparents, and an absentee dad left me with.” That it took me 50 years to completely understand. “And they don’t work so well with the Neptune here and the Uranus here.”

If Nep Three is a writing career, that totally makes sense, because what are the Saturn squares? My parents made me think I was stupid, and I spent most of my life trying to succeed with fan fiction because I didn’t think I was smart enough or good enough to come up with my own original stories. My parents absolutely squashed any idea I might have of what I wanted to do in life, so I ended up in a career to please them and have had to work my butt off against student loans and time constraints in order to have the time to work on my own original novel ideas once I finally had them in my early forties. Saturn is holding Neptune back; Neptune is blind because of Saturn. Uranus One: Trying to assert myself in an original way in the world, with a Venus flavor because it’s in the Venus decanate. Saturn is holding Uranus back; Uranus is blind because of Saturn.

Astromanda writes that a yod describes a situation or a relationship that’s kind of off again, on again, and I can’t control how it works. Um, is that happening here?? Yup. And what do I see I have to do in order to avoid a huge lifetime catastrophe for two people? (Just sayin’: I think Alice was wrong about the “no big consequences” thing, here. I say two people because there may be nothing anyone can do about Rory. If she’s determined not to find her emotions, wake up in her marriage, and treat her husband better, there may be nothing anyone can do about those consequences for her. There isn’t a person alive on the planet who can be treated like that in a relationship and be okay with it.)

So look at all this: I’ve read one opinion (haven’t found it in other articles by other astrologers yet) that if Saturn is the highest planet in the chart, the individual will rise to prominence, but it’s a HORRIBLE road getting there. Also (different astrologer), if the chart has a formation like my bucket handle, where there’s ONE planet that contacts almost everything else in the chart, a transit going over that planet activates almost everything else in the chart at once, making it a very focused chart where all the planets are working together toward one goal. Often seen in the charts of prominent people, says this astrologer. I have Neptune in house three: often seen in the charts of prominent writers. AND … Midheaven (the point of career) is on the Weeping Sisters. And what do BOTH our transits say happens after 2023, when Chi leaves Rory and we’re together? Our bad legs: He’s still codependent, doesn’t talk up in the relationship, agrees to things he doesn’t like or want, acts and pretends so I have no idea he isn’t happy, and then …

And then …

And THEN …

Something happens in my career and I become successful, and I have a period where I’m busy, stressed, and worried and have to take my eyes off the relationship for a while. And Chi (who never recovered from codependency and STILL has no self-esteem) goes, “I KNEW I WAS REALLY UNLOVABLE! She doesn’t love me after all!!” attracts another affair, and at the highest point of my life I discover I’ve been cheated on and end up so brokenhearted I feel like my success is all dust and ashes.

Sounds like my career point is on the Weeping Sisters? Yeah. I’m going to end up crying, partially  because of my career.

Now look at Chiron in the eighth house: I keep attracting people who break my heart, let me down, and hurt me. I can react horribly, becoming hideously manipulative and controlling, or I can become very wise. Sound like it? Yeah. BUT: It’s also in Aries. According to one astrologer I’ve read, I blow through childhood emotional wounding with this placement like nobody’s business. (I’ll leave you to decide that.)

Here’s the thing: None of this bad stuff has to happen. He has one good leg in his transits where it doesn’t. (I have to look a little harder at mine.) But the only way for that to happen is for BOTH PEOPLE TO WORK THEIR ASSES OFF AT HEALING, GETTING WELL, AND BEING HONEST.

Right now he isn’t doing that, and I can’t control him into doing that. I can’t control him into leaving Rory. If I do that, I get a sick unhealed codependent and both our bad legs. The Weeping Sisters, all of it.

NOW. Having said all that …

Basically, my entire childhood created the idea that I not only can, but should, control other people and how they develop in life—just the same way Rory’s did her. My entire childhood created in me the powerful idea that I can be God and make someone else choose to heal. And that’s the Saturn that’s going to nix all that good stuff in the Davison and throw everything onto the bad legs. That’s going to give me the Weeping Sisters and a cheating husband and make a tragedy out of the second love of my life.

Now look at what our Davison says: Lots of hard work and tough tests for him, a leap of faith for me. Why a leap of faith for me? Because I can’t control whether he chooses to WORK AND GET WELL or not. The only power I have is to observe whether he is electing to do the work or not, and whether he is making progress or not, and STAY THE FUCK AWAY if he’s not. Even if I’m alone for the rest of my life and I’m heartsick about that. Even if it means the happiest times of my life are over forever, never, ever to return. Because I DO NOT CHOOSE WHETHER HE ELECTS TO WORK OR NOT, HE DOES, and WHETHER WE GET THE GOOD LEG OR THE BAD LEG IS ENTIRELY DEPENDENT ON WHETHER HE ELECTS TO WORK.

And my entire childhood has GEARED me to believe I should and do have control over that. The fact is, I. DO. NOT. And therefore can do nothing, nothing, nothing to control the outcome of this. NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING.

Read the first part of that second yod article. Really.

Now, I have to remember that Chi is an EXTREMELY SKILLED ACTOR. (And here's Moon Opp Neptune, which--guess what? Chi and Rory have in their composite, too. By now it should be obvious why. We're controlling, and he picks controlling women and then can't speak up for himself, because of a childhood that made him feel like he's inferior and has to grovel for anyone to love him.) 

He’s GREAT at smoking out what other people want him to do and giving it to them on the outside, while the real truth is that he’s seething with the resentment of really not wanting to, feeling overtaxed and overwhelmed and overworked, and the depression of unmet needs on the inside. And if he doesn’t want anybody to know, nobody’s going to know. In most cases, therapists joke that if you really want to know the state of the parent’s marriage, ask the children. These children don’t have a CLUE—STILL—and that’s why they’re bludgeoning Chi back into the marriage. Told you … skilled actor.

Now, look at this. What dooms our relationships? In Rory's and my case, it's because we're controlling. Why are we controlling? In my case, it's because childhood taught me that being controlling in trying to make others heal was doing the right thing! But it isn't, and that is a CENTRAL LESSON OF MY LIFE. If I don't get that lesson, I'm going to keep picking and trying to control sick people who don't want to do their work, and the rest of my life is pretty much screwed as far as relationships with other people go.

(Rory appears to be controlling for other reasons.)

Why is Chi thinking he's inferior and groveling and martyring himself to controlling people? Likewise: CHILDHOOD TAUGHT HIM that was the right way, and HE THINKS HE'S DOING THE RIGHT THING. When really he's dooming his relationships, because he's just soul-murdering himself, demanding that he be other than who he really is, and taking a pile of abuse from other people besides. Then he ends up so crazy with pain--as anyone would!--that he has to escape into an affair. And, BOOM! There goes the relationship, even if it was with someone who was struggling to meet him halfway. Nobody can meet you halfway if you don't like yourself, or trust the other person, enough to communicate honestly about your needs and feelings.

This is how a bad childhood dooms relationships and lives. We go all our lives trying so hard to be good and do the right thing, when the problem is we learned the wrong shit to begin with. What we're believing is the right way is actually the WRONG way, and if we can't get that through our thick skulls, we make the same fucking mistakes over and over and over and the problems get worse and worse and worse.

And if you know how, you can find all this in your horoscope chart, as well as the best self-help books. When your chart and your childhood recovery literature is telling you the same thing, and then you see it play out in your life ... well, maybe you should sit up and pay attention. (Parents: Get thyselves into parenting classes immediately!)

If Chi chooses to ACT and LIE rather than GET WELL, and I’m too needy and controlling, I’ll believe him (Nep Three, square ascendant, Prone to miscommunicate, prone to misunderstand, prone to miscommunicate, prone to misunderstand)… leading to the Weeping Sisters and Disaster.

Anybody can tell you, “Don’t have an affair with a married man,” and, “He’ll just turn around and do the same thing to you.” And you can grit your teeth and obey, but you don’t want to. You haven’t changed in your heart, because you haven’t actually LEARNED ANYTHING.

THIS, IS LEARNING SOMETHING. Learning something BEFORE bad things happen, rather than learning something BECAUSE bad things happened. Something Chi’s never done, and needs to cultivate as soon as possible.

All my life, I’ve dealt with horrible situation after horrible situation, wishing I had known all the facts before I chose what I chose.

This time, my wish is granted, thanks to astrology and to a lifetime of reading that taught me what I needed to know to make sense of the astrology. (And desperation miserable enough to make me buy 25 years of transits.)

LEARNING SOMETHING removes the need to do that bad thing and have the affair.

Without the learning, we grudgingly agree to do something out of a lack of understanding, because “Other people say so.”

WITH the learning, we understand why and how. Now we don’t WANT to do it anymore.

Even if we’re still crying because we miss him.

So: Is this a test? Am I going to pass it?

I think it’s a yes on both counts.

I’m not clear what the great benefits are if I pass, though. I see what the consequences are if I don’t, but if I do … is the great benefit just that I get to spend the rest of my “Chiron return” untroubled by the fear that a codependent husband or significant other is lying to me about our relationship because he believes he is no good? Or is it that we get Chi’s good leg and a great relationship?

And, you know, I already know the answer to that.

The answer is what HE decides to do. And I have NO control over that. Period.

And that's what "Astromanda" says yods are about.

Isn't astrology fascinating? 

The Rory Post I Promised...About the Different Outcomes In Your Life Showing Up In Your Transits.

PRESENT...An Astrology Post.

So, here's how I discovered this. I'm walking through Rory's transits for the next six months, and I see a lot of what I expect given mine and Chi's, and also given the fact that she is still in the position I saw her getting promoted to in her transits this time last year. 

There's something about a sudden freedom from a restriction of some sort...that she may experience the arrival of a person into her life who's going to teach her something...that she's experiencing a time of good social relations with other people...more about confronting inhibitions and restrictions placed upon her by herself and other people...a need to break away from an established order...that she's inappropriately idealizing important relationships in her life...more about receiving a spiritual teacher or guide figure...the need to work very hard to accomplish a task. All of which I expected to see, given what I see in my transits and Chi's over the next two years.

And then...right there in the middle of this mostly ominous stuff...here I find a find a great big ol' Saturn trine Venus. Right smack dab in the middle of what is at great risk of becoming Chi's affair year.

(Some background: I recognized the Saturn trine Venus right away because it was part of the reason I so badly misjudged what was going to happen with Chi and me three years ago. I had this, which often augurs the advent of a very successful and happy relationship, plus a number of other very pleasant transits that promised the same. And, at the same time, I saw several that made me blink and think, Huh? That sounds like he's with Rory! I didn't know what to think. But, Chi asked me to trust him, and I loved him and promised to, and all three therapists believed the marriage was likely to end. So, I had three pieces of evidence leading me to believe the wrong thing. I've wondered about that for three years. What were both sets of transits doing there?)

Now, when I've heard from Chi again right when Alice Portman, several important transits, and my astrology teacher saw that I would, and in the middle of a shitpile of transits suggesting we end up in a real affair...Rory has a Saturn trine Venus.

WTF? Why is that there? What am I supposed to make of that?

I pondered this for several days, and suddenly it all made sense.

Remember several posts back, when I remarked that around two years ago Rory had all these transits telling her it was a good time to dig into her childhood problems and do some very deep and cutting psychological work? That it was a very good time to straighten out some problems that were keeping her from living the way she really wanted to?

She had them, I saw them then, and I knew he was in therapy and they were in marriage counseling. Naturally, I thought they were getting top-notch help (see Avoid the Below-Average Therapist), and I assumed they would both work hard and make real progress. She had these good work transits when she needed them. I assumed she would make good use of them. Therefore, I expected they'd save their marriage (as most marrieds in this situation eventually do). I'd lose Chi forever, and I was correspondingly depressed.

Then I heard from Chi again, and I heard what had actually happened.

Rory did NOT make good use of those transits. Here where she could have entered individual therapy herself, made progress herself, and saved her marriage...she elected not to make use of this opportunity.

Now it hits me--if she had, this is where the marriage would have started to work out! This is where things should be getting easier, and where they'd start to be happier and recommitted to one another on a healthier and more honest basis.  If that had happened, she'd be living that Saturn trine Venus in her marriage right about now!


But she didn't...and I'm living all the UNhappy ones instead. The ones that are talking about the need for deep psychological work and introspection, and the need for me to stay out of power and control. The ones coming up in the next few months that are calling me a control freak and telling Rory she's about to receive a spiritual teacher in the form of an enemy whose controlling nature is going to wreak havoc in her life.

THERE REALLY ARE TWO TIMELINES DEPICTED IN HERE FOR EACH PERSON.

Holy toledo!!!

The reason this is of extreme importance in the coming eighteen months or so:

ALL of those good psychological work transits Rory just finished with, are now coming up in Chi's chart.

Now he's getting them! HE now has the opportunity to work out unresolved childhood issues that Rory just had and elected not to pursue.

And I know, from reading ahead in his transits and mine--confirmed by everything I know about codependency and enmeshment in relationships--what happens if he does not do the work, and I've already detailed it before in this blog. He stays hideously codependent, flip-flops between two women for some FIVE YEARS (tearing the living shit out of everyone involved), as I detailed in The Missing Piece One and Two. He finally leaves the marriage, but his next relationship (unfortunately reflected in my transits) is unhealthy. He begins codependent behavior almost immediately, and in a few short years finds that, once again, he's agreed to things in the relationship that he doesn't really like, and once again is afraid to speak up for himself.

Then crisis hits the relationship. His relationship partner has something going on in her career that takes her eyes off the relationship for a time. Chi, being emotionally fused and still codependent, goes into a tailspin. "I KNEW I wasn't lovable!" He finds someone else and has another affair, and the relationship is never the same, and ends HORRIBLY about ten years later, when we're 71 and 81.

IF you follow his leg of bad transits.

In actuality, starting right about now and picking up steam after 2019, there's a good leg of transits, showing a person who uses the opportunity coming up in the work transits this year I've just told you about. This leg shows a person who works hard and makes a good recovery, and whose life goes much, much better from then on.

Now, what makes the difference between Bad Leg One, and Good Leg Two? In Bad Leg One, why doesn't Chi take advantage of those good work transits, dig in, do the work required, and get the fuck well??
 
Because he's having an affair with me instead.

Because I didn't put all this together, didn't get over my childish need for emotional fusion with someone else (see the post that's coming next week for details), and didn't hold off, hold his feet to the fire, and absolutely refuse to be with him if he doesn't take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to free himself of codependency and low self worth, work his little ass off, and HEAL.

Because I was afraid I'd lose him if I did that, and decided to have the affair and see if I could tempt him away from Rory.

I wasn't farsighted enough to see that if I did that, all I'd get was a very sick, STUCK codependent who would turn around and hurt me the way he does himself (and, eventually, everyone else.) Just like my mother. Just like Jane. I didn't fucking learn anything, and turned around and picked yet another one...when I could have put my foot down, and maybe he'd have worked and gotten well!

And, whaddya know?? Look at MY transits right now!

Another split!

Out of six big transits going over the next six months:

One talks about being noticed in a career.

One talks about having big ideas tempered with common sense, and knowing what I can and can't do.

Here's Robert Hand writing about the third one on the good leg:

Pluto trine Pluto: Up to you 

Beginning of February 2018 until mid-December 2019: This is a period of stability, in which very deep and perseverant energies lend themselves to you. Whether you make use of them or not is completely up to you. However, if you do decide to use them, there will be potential for inner growth. From this position you can gain deep insights into the functioning of your psyche which might have shocked you at other times. This is a time for simplification and for finding out what is really meaningful to you. It is a period when you are not only able to, but should, make changes. It is a time when you are able to eliminate the old and outworn elements of your life with relative ease because there will be little in the way. It may even seem so easy that you are not aware of its being an issue, but you should not rest on your laurels. Take an inventory of your life, your friendships, your possessions and other attachments and involvements. See which of these support you and at the minimum allow you to grow. These should be preserved. But do not struggle to preserve anything that does not serve you, especially if it seems to want to pass away. This is most important, because whatever you do not eliminate from your life now that does not serve you could become a cause of difficulty during more stressful times that may come along later.
 

And the last three, the bad leg, is talking about a spiritual teacher that will come into my life, who doesn't look like a spiritual teacher, and a transient, bad relationship that's very challenging and likely to end fairly soon. Right through the middle of 2020, which is when Rory's transits sound like Chi is back, and mine sound like I've been very painfully dumped, and more brokenhearted than I've ever been.

(And considering the last four years I've spent, that's really saying something.)

Now: Astrologers typically read only two or three years of transits at a time. If I had done that, I would never have been able to make sense out of all of this. To make sense out of all of this, I needed all three charts, and I needed to look at ALL the transits over a period of some twenty-five years!

But now that I have, look what I've learned!

And, I hate to point this out, but everything in everyone's bad transit legs has happened so far, right on schedule, from 2014 up until October of last year.

Will it happen again?

Stay tuned...

Yep. I think there really is something to the idea of doing a Whole Life Progression. There really is. 

Years ago, when I didn't know crap about astrology, and used to scrimp and save to buy one yearly transit report off astro.com at a time, I used to notice that half my transits always sounded lovely and half sounded bad. That I always lived the bad ones, and never the good ones. It got to where, if I saw a transit that sounded wonderful, I knew that one wouldn't happen. And I always wondered why.

It happens because we're unconscious, we're fucking SLEEPWALKERS, and we don't fucking LEARN. A classmate said it in the last class I took: "Astrology is only predictive when we don't learn anything. Astrology is only predictive because people do the same things over and over."

After this, you can't tell me astrology is bunk, or that it's not useful!

How I Used Astrology To Figure Out My Relationship

PAST


Note: Sorry if this post seems redundant. YourTango has a large astrology section, and this post is sort of an "audition piece" for them.

I promised y'all a Rory post--about seeing the outcomes of major decisions as two different timelines in your horoscope transits. That one IS coming...next week.

Three years ago, I found myself unceremoniously dumped.

My heart was shattered, lacerated, ripped into a million pieces. I didn’t think I’d live. Worse, I didn’t want to.

The person in question was married; however, he’d moved out, consulted a divorce lawyer, and told me the marriage was over. From what he told me about the way she was behaving, and had behaved for the past twenty years, I could see why. For the past four months, he’d described an emotionally cold and distant marriage, with a woman who alternately bossed and belittled him. It was clear why he’d taken this long to finally move out: he was darling, but he was an adult child of an alcoholic, and I knew everything that meant. (See my article on YourTango, 13 Signs You’re An Adult Child Of An Alcoholic, for more information.)

It was one of those situations where you just know you’re going to be happy together, just like when I got together with my late husband. And then … and then …

*POOF!* He was gone.

Most of us are familiar with those horrible feelings of desperation, those times we’d do anything, and I mean anything, to get our old love back. This is when the desperate turn to astrology.

I didn’t know a thing about astrology. I had surfed the free parts of astro.com, and I had even bought some of their Liz Greene yearly transit reports on occasion. But I had no idea what those little symbols scribbled in the margins meant, or how on earth Saturn could “trine” Jupiter, much less how Pluto could ever “trine” itself! And I’d never bought more than one at a time, because they aren’t exactly cheap, and my money had always been tight.

But now, in the midst of this huge personal crisis, I was at least doing better at work. With that came the ability to buy more than one yearly transit report at a time, and for multiple people. I started snooping. Everything I knew about me, him, her, and their marriage told me it wouldn’t last. He’d have to come back to me; I just knew it. 

Thus began the education of this budding astrologer, courtesy of astro.com.

For those who are as bewildered now as I was then, “transits” refer to where the planets in the heavens are now, in relation to where they were at the moment of your birth. Every time a planet makes an exact angle with the position it or another planet occupied at the moment of your birth, it reflects a mood, a feeling, a quality of time in your life. A crack professional astrologer who reads literally thousands of charts a year notices repeating themes, and will be able to tell you, “Typically when I see this aspect come up in someone’s transits, these kinds of events are what’s been happening in these people’s lives.” When you’re consulting a professional astrologer, or you’re buying a computerized transit report, this is what you’re paying for.

I bought transit reports for myself, him, and his wife for the next few years, buying dates three years apart to save money, as I’d noted that many of the transits spanned over one year and they overlapped one another. I began to read. The first thing I noticed was that everything that appeared in one chart reflected in the other two. That gave me the creeps. Then, as I read on … it happened! Reflected in all three charts was his leaving her and returning to me. In about three years!

Overjoyed, I bought one more set for three years from the last date I’d read. I expected to see that he’d left her for good, and we were happy ever after. 

Um … not so.

Instead, I saw myself left again. Even though the marriage was still rotten, and her behavior had improved not at all, there he was, back home again. She looked supremely happy, and the two of us were miserable. If I thought my heart was broken now, apparently it was nothing compared to what I’d experience then.

What … the … hell?

Of course, after that I had to keep on reading. He was still unhappy at home! Surely, surely he’d be back! And there, two years on, he’d finally had enough, and he was. Our transits reflected a joyous reunion, and hers, frankly, didn’t know what had hit her, despite decades of questionable behavior.

Yey! I mean, normally I feel sorry for the wife, but in this case … well …. 

This had to mean we’d live happily ever after, right? I just wanted that wonderful confirmation, and so I bought one more set, three years farther ahead. And received one nasty surprise.

We weren’t happy. We were having significant problems. Only I was largely unaware of them, because … what?

Here’s where astrology has given me its greatest gift. I was raised by a parent with borderline personality disorder. For those who don’t know what that is, it’s a serious mental illness that wreaks havoc not only on the sufferer, but on any minor children being raised in the home. Because my relationship with my mother was so difficult, I had spent a good portion of my twenties and thirties reading self-help books, relationship books, and adult-child-of books, and because of this, I know a great deal about codependency. Enough to recognize it when I see it described in a horoscope transit.

Astrologers are a poetic lot. Anxious not to antagonize the client, they excel at presenting clinical signs with sympathy and from the client’s point of view. Especially if they’re Liz Greene and their previous career was as a counseling therapist. 

I was reading phrases in his report such as: “If you have allowed your need for closeness with others to obstruct your need to be a separate individual, you may be challenged to assert your own values and ideals with greater honesty and openness. External conflicts and relationship issues may highlight the fact that you need to achieve a new and more creative balance between these two sides of yourself.” “Try not to turn your back on opportunities just because you don't want to upset others or are afraid of seeming selfish in their eyes.” “But somehow what you want may not be communicated properly to those who could help or support you; and you may feel very angry, frustrated, aggrieved or victimised.  You are not wrong in pushing for change and better opportunities.  You may also need to define yourself as an individual more directly within your personal relationships, and this could involve friction with family members.  But you may first have to consider the ways in which you are asking for what you want, and recognise that you yourself have created or accepted the role you are now playing, and others have assumed this is who you are.”

Huh? I thought. This is codependency! What the hell? Hasn’t this person been in therapy for years already? How could he leave her to be with me, and still be codependent?

This utterly confused me. I pondered it on and off for several days, and as I considered it, one solid fact emerged.

Codependent when we met; codependent years later when we finally get together. He’s with me, he’s with her, he’s with her, he’s with me, the family is all upset, the adult children are involved … years and years of drama, this is! 

But during all those years of drama, what was missing? This much-adored man of mine applying himself to his core problems of codependency and low self-worth, studying and healing and getting well—that was what! Look at all the progress he could have made over those five years! But he didn’t. What was he doing instead?

Having an affair with me.

Then I started to recall phrases from my transit reports, about being too needy and anxious, about the need to stay out of power and control. I hadn’t known what to make of those. Me, domineering and overcontrolling? Why, that was his wife, not me!

Apparently not.

What I finally understood, after months of poring over these transit reports, was that, even though I recognized him as codependent from the beginning—I was the one who insisted he start therapy—if I elected to pursue an affair with this man, I would be the person keeping him from what he most desperately needed to do:

Apply himself in therapy to his own problems—not everyone else’s—study healthy relationships, what went wrong in his family of origin, and heal and work and get well.

And that’s a hell of a way to treat someone you say you love.

It was about that time I figured I had better start studying astrology, and learn how to read this stuff for myself, instead of relying on a computer to do it for me, or hiring an expensive professional I know nothing about. Since then, I’ve become a good enough astrologer to cast all our relationship and natal charts, and I can pick out the aspects in ours that reflect the issues I’ve just described here.

This is only the beginning of my story. I plan to post more about it here, from time to time. I’ve predicted events in all three of our lives that actually happened. Last October, there were a number of signs that I would indeed hear from this man after three years apart. It happened. (Only this time, I was ready.)

Most important, I’ve learned so much about myself. It turned out that my charts and transits were pointing out aspects of my unhealed childhood that I never would have suspected still needed my attention, and that’s proven to be an invaluable resource to direct me in my own therapy.

I used to doubt astrology, but after this experience, I see what an important and useful tool it can be. If you’re searching for answers in your own relationship, it’s certainly worth a look.

Avoid the Below-Average Therapist

PAST...

I still remember, and you might, too, the times last summer and fall when I was on here shaking in my size 8 shoes, wondering if Chi would be back when the astrology said he would and if I was just plumb crazy.

I thought, just because I turned out to be right and he DID show up again, that would be the end of my worries. Right?

Wrong.

There turned out to be quite a big difference between what I had expected, through everything I had been reading, and what actually turned out to have happened.

To explain: What was I reading? (And, more to the point, what was I watching? I spent a lot of time on You Tube, watching the fabulous videos put together by Family Tree Life Coaches . Although, I have to say, for codependency, life coach Lisa Romano is quickly becoming a fave.)

I was reading a bunch of stuff by therapists, about all these relevant issues. And the thing is, it's usually the BEST therapists who get books published and put free videos out online. So I was sort of living in a dream world where, wherever Chi and Rory went, they would be getting that caliber help.

It doesn't sound like it, to put it mildly.

I was reading books like Should I Stay or Should I Go? How a Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage 

and

The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from the Need to Rescue Others

and

Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love

That last one really mislead me, in a way. Not that I didn't see a whole lot of truth in it about me, Chi, and Rory, but from what I was reading there, I at least expected Chi and Rory to reconnect. In that book, the pattern described is: the love addict moves out, and when that person gives up and tries to end the relationship, the love avoidant turns around and tries to pursue the love addict, and for a while things look good. The love addict is happy to be wanted, the love avoidant is happy to have the love addict back again, and they're close again for a while until things get too close for the love avoidant again and the love addict gets too clingy and needy again and well...

...it all falls apart.

I was also, of course, reading the astrology.

Rory certainly had the transits where she could have knuckled down and done some hard work on herself to save her marriage. I saw when they were, and looking up at the above, thinking they were getting that caliber of help, and seeing only what I could see on their Facebooks, it certainly looked like it.

I expected either that they would be fine, or, if they weren't and he came back, it would be because they had a moment of reconnection and relapsed. I thought if he showed up again, it would be my relationship with Chi vs. Rory's relationship with Chi, not my relationship with Chi vs. a total nonstarter and the opinions of family and friends.

Then Chi actually showed up again, and I got the report of what really HAD happened.

Good grief.

Imagine my surprise and dismay when I heard what their therapy experiences had really been like. Imagine my surprise and dismay when I heard that Rory, after attacking Chi with the news that ALL the problems were his fault and she was angry he didn't even want to go to marriage counseling, sort of sleepwalked through it and acted like she really didn't want to be there herself. I thought when Chi left our club meetings and didn't come back, it was because they reconnected and he moved back home.

Well...he'd moved back home, all right. The reconnection bit...not so much. He lived in the father-in-law suite for several months and is in the process of halfway moving back in there again.

Jesus.

I thought I would be peeking back in on a situation in which the participants had done at least SOME work and made at least SOME progress. Not so!

Rory is just as cold and self-centered and emotionally vague and constipated as ever. Chi, instead of working on his own codependency and low self worth--which were the things I talked to him about that day, lo, THREE FUCKING YEARS AGO when I convinced him to go for help, went right back to focusing on other people and other people's problems, and through a combination of family issues, health issues, and therapists I believe were downright incompetent, pretty much hasn't moved an INCH since I last spoke to him.

This is bad. Really bad.

For those reading this, there are a lot of bad therapists out there. If you go to therapy for a marital issue, especially a midlife one, what you need to be seeing and hearing when you start is some assessment of your childhood home and family environment. This is because most marital issues start in childhood, and we all bring any wounding done to us by parents and family on into the present unless and until we sit ourselves down and do some very serious WORK on it.

If your therapist isn't requiring that you do this, you may be spending your money on a rather expensive Band-Aid. Go check out the videos I mention and you will see the kind of approach I mean.

I spent my childhood watching a stuck parent not take advantage of therapeutic materials around her and continue ruining her own and everyone else's life.

I hate to say it, but it kind of looks like I am watching it again.

And that's sad, because what if Chi ever did leave Rory? He's still as sick as a goddamn dog. Now I inherit the problems, and this person has shown little motivation to work on them. Let any family member anywhere in the northern hemisphere wave one of their own problems at him, and...oh...whoops! There he goes...up...up...and AWAY to solve all their problems for them, and then complain three years later how he's taking care of all these other people again.

That's codependency.

And I could kick, I really could kick, this therapist of his all over town for putting him in group therapy only after a measly eight weeks, and not insisting on ATTACKING THE CODEPENDENCY AND LOW SELF ESTEEM. Head on. With serious intensive work. BEFORE marital therapy!

Look how much work I've done in three years and look how sad this situation is.

Ai, ai, ai.

Anyway, don't end up like this. Check those links out, and avoid the below-average therapist.