MAYBE IT'S ALL A TEST.

Past, Present, and Future ...

Maybe it’s all a test.

Do I understand, deeply understand, deeply grok it in fullness, that I cannot accept an unhealthy codependent relationship no matter how painfully lonely and needy I am, or how perfect-for-me the guy otherwise is? (Because, otherwise, he is!!) No matter how much I miss him, or how much I love him or he loves me? And that I can’t fix another person or induce that person to heal no matter what I feel for them or how they imply that I can? Do I understand that other people have to fix themselves and I have to fix myself? In other words,

Have I learned anything?

Because I really, really, really, REALLY

HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THIS, OR I WILL FUCK UP THE REST OF MY LIFE, AND, WORSE, THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

If this is a test, I'd still have to be painfully lonely and needy now, and I'd still have to really love him and miss him, or I wouldn’t care if he showed up or not! I'd still have to remember how otherwise great he is, or I wouldn’t care if he showed up or not!

And he has to show up, implying exactly as my mother did that I can fix him and that life will be hunky-dory if I just get my fingers all up in that pie again, as if I’m God and can change the soul of another person. The way children think. And he's such a good actor that if I succumb to this, for ten whole years, it will look like it's all working out! Until ...  

Just as our Davison warns.

We tell little children, “When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true,” and they believe it. I know I believed it when I was five and six.

HERE’S THE THING.

If it’s a test, then it’s all happening. FUCKING GUARANTEED.

That’s why I can’t find any appropriate people: so I still won’t have any good relationships and so I’ll still be lonely. And so the sick people can keep reinforcing the lesson, the way Richard and Jane just did, in case I’m still not getting it.

That’s why I’m happiest with other people in good relationships and therefore look back sick with longing.

That’s why Rory is so goddamned stubborn and obtuse. (Saturn square Pluto). If she weren’t, Chi would be more comfortable and have an easier time staying in the marriage. That’s why the family is so in love with the fake marriage and willing to heap scorn and condemnation on Chi to force him to stay.

That’s why Chi can’t find the guts to apply himself in therapy instead of using it as a complaining outlet, just like my mother did.

IF IT REALLY IS A TEST, THE DOMINOES ARE SET UP. And they’re scheduled to topple this summer.

Which way will they topple?


I'm going to be all right.
I'm going to be okay.

I'm going to be all right.

I'm going to be okay.

I'm going to be all right.
I'm going to be okay.

I'm going to be all right.

I'm going to be okay.