Maybe it’s all a test.
Do I understand, deeply understand, deeply grok it in fullness,
that I cannot accept an unhealthy codependent relationship no matter how
painfully lonely and needy I am, or how perfect-for-me the guy otherwise is? (Because, otherwise, he is!!) No matter how much I miss him, or how much I love him or he loves me? And that I can’t fix
another person or induce that person to heal no matter what I feel for them or
how they imply that I can? Do I understand that other people have to fix
themselves and I have to fix myself? In other words,
Have I learned anything?
Because I really, really, really, REALLY
HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THIS, OR I WILL FUCK UP THE REST OF MY
LIFE, AND, WORSE, THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
If this is a test,
I'd still have to be painfully lonely and needy now, and I'd still have to really love him and miss him, or I wouldn’t care if he showed
up or not! I'd still have to remember how otherwise great he is, or I wouldn’t
care if he showed up or not!
And he has to show up, implying exactly as my mother did
that I can fix him and that life will be hunky-dory if I just get my
fingers all up in that pie again, as if I’m God and can change the soul of
another person. The way children think. And he's such a good actor that if I succumb to this, for ten whole years, it will look like it's all working out! Until ...
Just as our Davison warns.
Just as our Davison warns.
We tell little children, “When you wish upon a star, your
dreams come true,” and they believe it. I know I believed it when I was five
and six.
HERE’S THE THING.
If it’s a test, then it’s all happening. FUCKING GUARANTEED.
That’s why I can’t find any appropriate people: so I still
won’t have any good relationships and so I’ll still be lonely. And so the sick
people can keep reinforcing the lesson, the way Richard and Jane just did, in
case I’m still not getting it.
That’s why I’m happiest with other people in good
relationships and therefore look back sick with longing.
That’s why Rory is so goddamned stubborn and obtuse. (Saturn
square Pluto). If she weren’t, Chi would be more comfortable and have an easier
time staying in the marriage. That’s why the family is so in love with the fake
marriage and willing to heap scorn and condemnation on Chi to force him to stay.
That’s why Chi can’t find the guts to apply himself in
therapy instead of using it as a complaining outlet, just like my mother
did.
IF IT REALLY IS A TEST, THE DOMINOES ARE SET UP. And they’re
scheduled to topple this summer.
Which way will they topple?
I'm going to be all right.
I'm going to be okay.
I'm going to be all right.
I'm going to be okay.
I'm going to be all right.
I'm going to be okay.
I'm going to be all right.
I'm going to be okay.
I'm going to be okay.
I'm going to be all right.
I'm going to be okay.
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