Twenty-two General Principles for Dealing with Codependency

FUTURE

At night, when the stars come out, if I'm outside, usually in the car, the first one I see, I always do that little "Star light, star bright" prayer. 

What do I wish for? Always the same thing. "If Chi isn't going to get well, please don't let him come back. I don't want to see him again if he's never going to get well." 

Doesn't mean I don't miss him. I do get so caught up sometimes in all I've learned about codependency and the negative consequences of the behavior that I forget the good stuff.

And there was good stuff. If these guys were absolutely no good for us at all, they'd be easy to forget, right? This guy was so sweet, so sharp, so smart. We understood each other so well. He was so funny. We could talk forever about so many things. Once upon a time, Chi posted a joke on his Facebook that was so brilliant and so funny, it was just the epitome of why I fell in love with him and thought he'd be The One, that long-ago someday before Simon ever got widowed and asked me out. (Only I thought Simon would be The One, too. Odd sensation, that. Just look at our horoscopes ... they think the same things!) I can't post the joke here. I wish I could. It's just emblematic of the mind the man has. 

I have a pretty limited, specialized field of knowledge. I've spent so much time with my nose in a medical book, an astrology book, or a psychology book that I really can't tell you much of anything about classic movies, classic books, classic music. But he can. One reason I think Chi knows so much about everything but his own problems is that his inquisitive, brilliant, far-reaching mind has seized on all these other amazing things the world has to offer as a way to distract himself from thinking or learning about his problems. And, yeah ... so does his natal chart. (Sun conjunct Neptune. Moon square Jupiter.)

It's had the side effect of making him absolutely brilliant. And a kindred spirit I still miss very much. 

It's hard to lose the two loves of your life.

And I wonder why I feel so lackluster in life now. When you've had the best, and then you lose it, life isn't going to feel the same ever again. It just isn't. Maybe I should just quit dumping on myself for feeling bad about that and just accept it. This is life. Oh, well.

So, what happens now?

Well, the astrology for the end of this spring and this summer is pretty darn clear. It would smack any idiot upside the head.

If it doesn't happen, I have to assume Chi is just going to stagnate and never, ever get any better, and I don't need to feel bad about losing him. The consequences of a relationship with a codependent this stuck are so clear to me now that I'll know I've dodged a big, bad, bullet.

If the charts call their shot once again, though ... there's where things will get interesting. Let's put it this way: Just because he shows up again does NOT mean he will eventually turn the corner, put his back into it, and become healthier; but the only way I will see him ever again is if that is a distinct possibility. If he's just going to stagnate, he's going to do that at home, or with someone else just as sick and stuck.

Will I follow my own damn common sense, or relapse and do something DUMB? Will Chi ever engage his own problems and get better?

Tune in next ... (For reasons I can't write here, I'm betting the end of the month.)

To that end, I composed the following:

 

TWENTY-TWO PRINCIPLES FOR DEALING WITH CODEPENDENCY

1.)    The truth always comes out. The truth always comes out. The truth always comes out. The truth always comes out.

2.)    That’s because it is, in fact, the truth, and truth is supreme in the universe.

3.)    The longer the truth takes to show itself, the worse the outcome is, and the greater number of (and the worse) people get hurt.

4.)    For these reasons, any and all relationship must always be grounded in the truth.

5.)    Hiding the truth from anyone, including yourself, in any way or for any reason, is never an acceptable thing to do, even when you’re scared. Even when you think you are trying to be nice or kind. Even when someone might get angry.

6.)    When in doubt about this, start at Number One and repeat.

7.)    If you are thinking or feeling the words, “I have no choice because someone might get upset,” or “Someone will get upset, so I have to ...” it’s codependent posturing, you're just groveling to get approval from other people, and you’re not displaying the real truth to yourself or to other people.

8.)    The truth is that you are a human being like all other human beings, with feelings like any other human being, born to unfold YOUR unique needs, talents, and potential, just like any other human being.

9.)    It doesn’t matter if your parents treated you as if you were not a human being because they needed to continue drinking, using drugs, being mentally ill, or whatever it was that they were doing. Even though you were born to people who shouldn’t have been entrusted with the care of precious, vulnerable, tender young children, the truth is that you are still a human being, with the same worth, feelings, rights, and needs to be yourself as any other human being.

10.) It doesn’t matter if you then picked out more relationships in which people treated you the same way your parents did. Principle Eight is STILL true.

11.) While it is true that human beings should not act out aggressively toward other beings or inflict injury to get what they need or want, it is also true that acting, pretending, lying, and turning one’s own feelings and needs down so as not to hurt anyone else is just as deeply painful and hurtful to the self. Refer again to Principle Eight.

12.) If this is hard to understand, start over at Principle One, paying special attention to Principle Eight.

13.) When any person is injured, or when truth is ignored, there are always consequences, and they are usually bad. In pondering this fact, please again review Principles One and Eight.

14.) When we ignore those consequences and repeat the same mistakes, the consequences happen again, and they are usually worse.

15.) When we are codependent, or we have low self-worth, we haven’t acquired a good grasp of the first fourteen principles.

16.) Therefore, the consequences take many years to show themselves, because we are acting, pretending, lying, and fundamentally dishonest in character. So, when the consequences happen, they are exceedingly bad. Life-ruiningly bad, in some cases.

17.) When people have emotional problems, the only thing that will fix those problems is their own determination to do so--their own reading, learning, and study, and their own hard work. Past the teenage years, the time when emotional problems can be altered by treating the sufferer differently is OVER.

18.) For this reason, the best way to help a person with emotional problems is to stand firm and demand that this individual do his own reading, learning, and therapy, and his own hard work. You cannot heal or mature an adult by babying him.

19.) Therefore, the truth is that trying to help an emotionally disturbed person by accommodating yourself to their problems and pain is a solution that never, never works, and this practice must be stopped.

20.) Those who fail to heed these principles will pay a price, usually a very big and very nasty one. It is quite possible to ruin lives by the failure to learn and practice these principles.

21.) The fact that our parents and our early life taught us something other than these principles, or implied that we were bad  or unlovable children if we acted on them when they wanted something else from us, does not make these principles any less true.

22.) Humans are not supposed to spend miserable lives in codependency and low self-worth. We are supposed to work, heal, and get well! So do that. NOW.