So Why the Fuck Do I Change My Mind??

FUTURE

WHAT convinces me to do this, when I see how things are now?

All through this, I haven't been STUPID. Last time, I looked for the classic, married-man-swears-he's-leaving-but-always-has-an-excuse-and-never-moves-out. THAT'S what fooled me the first time. He consulted a divorce lawyer. He moved out. He went to counseling. It was going to be divorce counseling.

THEN it fell apart. Why? Guilt. Codependency.

Clearly, I'd need to see behavior at least as convincing as that in order to change my mind, so I presume that this is what happens. 

And we all know how well Chi can act. He's such a good actor, he even convinces himself he feels some way about a thing when he really doesn't. Anything, anything to make someone else happy and avoid conflict of any sort.

And then I remembered something.

A year and a half or so ago, I told my therapist, the wonderful Janice (who hasn't committed me yet over all this astrology!) that I was rereading all our notes to each other, and I had noticed something. Every time a new person walked onstage and started talking, what Chi thought would SWING to match what that person said.

Now, look at this: It's been three years. To all outside observers, the marriage LOOKS stable. (Because, once again, Chi is groveling to PLEASE OTHER PEOPLE, and NOT TELLING THE TRUTH.)

Because the marriage looks stable, the kids, the friends, and the relatives have all shut up.

Marriage counseling is over. He's upstairs writing me while Rory is downstairs. (Once AGAIN, as if the intervening three years never happened.) 

Rory has shut up.

There's no more individual therapy. He's only in group. His therapist, most unfortunately and unwisely, has shut up.

Once again, Chi is lonely. And once again, I am the only one talking.

And what did I just say?? "I guess we'll just have to end contact."

OH, SHIT.

He's already mimicking me now! About our club meetings. I already told him they'd just lead to disaster. I got no argument. I got agreement. Then: He started telling me what I originally said about it!

And then what did I say?? "You deserve so much more than this in life. How can you accept so little? Why are you doing this to yourself?"

Now his therapy group is going to talk. They've heard the ENTIRE story of the past two and a half years, much more than I heard. What do you think they're saying right now??

And we all know what Chi does when a new person steps up onstage and talks.

What's he going to say to himself now? BUT: Is he any more ready or able to follow through on that?

Let's add one more clue to the compilation I put up here one week ago:

20.) Chi NEVER thinks for himself until he's desperately, desperately unhappy. Literally, until he's entertained the idea of suicide a couple of times. (Really. A person needs to be thinking for himself long, loooong before that.) Until then, his first response--he believes it's his first DUTY--is to adopt the thoughts, opinions, and perspective of the other person. (Unhealthy Sun in Libra in action, folks!!) And he ACTS with the skill of Robert De Niro.

And THIS is why we have communication problems! 

Sometimes deception in a relationship happens because one person is  consciously trying to use and hurt the other one. 

This deception is happening because one person can neither find nor fight for the self.

THIS IS MOON OPP NEPTUNE. This is the deception and miscommunication I've been warned about.

He's going to come back to me and say all this--"I can't live like that anymore, I love you, I miss you, I have to leave--" AND FOLLOW IT UP WITH BEHAVIOR--and I believe him.

This is what happened the first time. And I fall right for it again, because:

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A MANIFESTATION OF CODEPENDENCY AND A WEAK, WEAK EGO. NOBODY DOES!!

I BELIEVE IT'S REALLY HIM.

Especially when, especially when, especially when, especially when--

It's what I think he should do anyway! (Remember how I'm advised to stop CONTROLLING?? Because I need him to make me feel less afraid and more secure in life? You know--that stuff I'm supposed to be doing for myself??)

Especially when, especially when, especially when, especially when--

I'm lonely and needy and it's what I long to hear.

There's my Neptune in house three! There's why I misunderstand.


But really, who knows? 

I mean, fuck, man. It could really be him, but...

...as soon as he leaves Rory, the relatives all start up again, and his thoughts, all over again, SWING to match their pain and SWING to match everything they're screaming at him. And the next thing we know, it's back to, "They're going to cut me out of the family. I'm causing other people too much pain." 


Because he hasn't done any work within himself to know any other way to handle the situation.

And how do I know that?? Because I've spent the past two and a half years reading books, watching videos, uncovering what's wrong with ME, journaling, and healing--and he hasn't. All he's done is sat in the back of a therapy group watching OTHER people working, healing, getting well, and moving on. While he speaks in that group maybe once every few weeks. And focuses ALL HIS ATTENTION on other people, other people's problems, doing what other people want, and making sure other people are happy and nobody's mad at him.

Folks, this is the definition of codependency. All he's doing is cycling and cycling back through it, 

f
  a
    l
      l
       i
        n
          g
             
           back, back, BACK INTO THE ILLNESS that got him here

                       DOING IT ALL OVER AGAIN

instead of studying, working in therapy, healing from the sick childhood with sick parents that did this to him in the first place,

            INSTEAD OF GETTING THE FUCK WELL.

PLEASE NOTE:

Recovery from a broken childhood is not a spectator sport. 

If you spend sixty years avoiding difficult emotional work, you spend sixty years forever a lonely, sad, broken child, making everyone else your parent, bending over backwards for mommy and daddy to love you and take care of you the way you needed when you really were a child. 

And you do the same damn thing, over and over...ruining everyone else's life in the process, because YOU WON'T LET YOURSELF KNOW WHO YOU ARE, AND WHEN YOU DO KNOW YOU WON'T TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT IT. 

Because, believe it or not, YOU ARE A PERSON. You are a real person, just like other people, with the VERY SAME NEED to BE YOUR REAL SELF.

Only, growing up in a sick family, you learned that you shouldn't be your real self. What you should do instead is look at everyone else to tell you who you should be. And when we do that, it hurts. Humans have to be themselves, and acting hurts. And everyone else knows that, but sick families don't. And you believe that being your real self instead of performing for the people around you, is bad. 

Because your family of origin displayed to you that YOU were bad, and should not have a self. And you're still believing that, even when you experience that living this way hurts you. So you don't even understand why it hurts, and you keep trying to mute out the hurt, stamp it out, push it in, cram it in, so you can keep doing all the things that please everyone else and keep everyone else happy. 

And eventually it hurts so much you can't stand it anymore, and blow up and move out or have an affair, and it's right about now that everyone else wonders, "What's wrong with you?"


AND YOUR LOVED ONES GET THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF THEM, BECAUSE THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR NEED TO ACT FOR THEM, AND THEY TRUST YOUR WORD.

And half the time, you're so worried about what they will think of you, you're trusting your word, too! When, 


if you just had some of your OWN approval,

you wouldn't need so much of everyone else's.

(I don't know how many times I thought this same thing of my mother, watching the way she acted when I was a child.)

So you run around and around the same worn track, avoiding those codependency books and videos like they're the damn plague, when they are the only way OFF the same worn track. 

Then you wonder why three more years passed and you're still living in a world of pain.

                                 ***

There's a saying among astrologers that the only reason astrology is predictive is: WE DON'T LEARN.

Yes, it all happens all over again, only this time I'm even more horribly devastated. Because this time I thought it was for keeps. He stays out of the marriage for two years this time. Marriage counseling didn't work; Rory is still behaving abominably; anybody else would leave. 

And I'm judging him by that adult part of him that holds a Very Important Position that requires a lot of smarts and made him a million dollars. I expect that that sad hurting little boy healed and grew up, because he can LOOK like it for months at a time.

But without the WORK, these things don't happen. And look who spent the past three years working on other people, instead of on himself. Again!!!

This time, we're together twenty-four months instead of only four.

And this time, I am devastated beyond ALL recognition.

                                  ***

Unhealed from old child feelings of being scared, lonely, and unable to take care of myself or find any meaning in life if I don't have some close loved one around, and without the tool of astrology, 

I can't see this.

Healed, and with astrology, I can.

And THAT'S the crucial internal process I was supposed to wait to complete, and why I've been so obsessive and in such a damn hurry these last three years. 

If I'm incapable of finding my purpose and my own two feet, I'm so needy, a-tiptoe to hear him say those magic three words ("I'm divorcing Rory") that I have NO hope of figuring out what's actually going on. (And I'd better, because I'm not too sure if this therapist of his has any fucking clue.)

I need too badly for it to be real.

And our whole relationship goes on and on like that!! For TWENTY YEARS! IT NEVER STOPS. Because he never sets to work and HE NEVER GETS WELL. And I was going to perpetuate it, because before I started reading the astrology and seeing all these warnings, I was frozen in place, that sad, scared, lonely little child wounded and hurt by HER parents. I wasn't going to get well, either.

No matter how hard I thought I was listening or how it looked like he was telling me the truth, our relationship would have been just like Chi and Rory--especially if I stay controlling, trying to mold him and our life the way I wanted. I'd hear this, and it would look like it was the truth: 

"Yes-dear-yes-dear-yes-dear-yes-dear," until one day...

"AAAUUGGHH!! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!"

Only he isn't assertive enough to a.) say that early on, and b.) back himself up...which would have prevented the problems! 

Instead, he just finds other people to complain to, and one of them about ten years from now is an unattached woman, and then... and then ... 

I get to be Rory.

(Hence the saying, If he cheated on her, he'll cheat on you. In this case, here's why. Unhealed, untreated, RAMPANT codependency and low self worth. Ah, giving in to codependency always looks like you're doing the right thing at the time...doesn't it??)

And Rory and I and everyone else are always baffled. It looks so much like it's really him.

                               ***

And IT'S ALL HAPPENING. In the next three months.

HOLY

FUCKING

SHIT.

Well, now I've already started it. I've already started the trajectory. Here we go.

How to alter the forthcoming bad transits? Is there any possibility of a happy ending? What's the middle road? Is it so dangerous to me that I no longer care?

In a word: YIPES.