"You will feel brilliant for moments at a time."
--a joke when I was in professional school.
Looking at the astrology, I am finding a number of intriguing clues I feel compelled to put together, about my future, about Chi's future, about his wife's future. As you read, you will see why. Some of these are downright scary.
Most of these bullet points represent the advice of one transit or progression, unless otherwise noted. I'm noticing as I learn that every time two points in a chart form an aspect to one another, it's kind of like a justice on the Supreme Court: it writes you an opinion. You get some conflicting opinions, or situations in which the opinions partially concur, say, about an outcome, but not the reasons why it's happening. Astrology isn't Game of Thrones, it's Game of Clues!
Obviously, the more deep understanding you have about the particulars of your own situation, the more of a leg up on this you have. And that's where the mountain of psychology, relationship, and self help books I have stand me in good stead. In order to steer your ship around the icebergs, you have to assimilate all these clues with your particular situation and try to put them all together and figure out what is actually going on.
To that end, in no particular order...
Obviously, the more deep understanding you have about the particulars of your own situation, the more of a leg up on this you have. And that's where the mountain of psychology, relationship, and self help books I have stand me in good stead. In order to steer your ship around the icebergs, you have to assimilate all these clues with your particular situation and try to put them all together and figure out what is actually going on.
To that end, in no particular order...
1.) Chi comes back in the (very) early spring. I'm trying to learn more precise techniques of prediction right now. The best I can tell, around Valentine's Day looks like a good candidate for this. Let's see if I'm anywhere close.
2.) (And this is the scary one.) Something inspires me to try to fight his family for him, even though I'm determined not to do that now.
3.) (This just comes from bitter personal experience.) We should never, never, never expect or plan on what we might ideally hope to get, because that is one scenario that never, ever happens.
4.) MOON OPP NEPTUNE.
5.) I'm told I'm not necessarily fated to lose Chi forever, but it depends partially on whether I wait to complete some "internal process."
6.) I don't know how to stand alone in the world. I'm utterly dependent on having close people in my life, or I don't know how to feel okay.
7.) If I don't learn this now, if I kick this can down the road ANY more, I will end up alone in extreme old age because I misnegotiated a relationship, trying too hard not to end up lonely. It will be hideously painful, first in two years from now when I'm left again, then in about nine years from now when I find out I've been cheated on during a crucial period in my life, then in twenty-two years when I finally dump the guy. And I'm seventy-fucking-one.
8.) Chi finally leaves Rory in the spring, I bully him to divorce her, he goes back to her in 2020-2021, ends up VERY unhappy, and I get him back for keeps in 2023.
9.) He's STILL horribly, horribly codependent, and our relationship goes poorly, with many of the hiding, not-telling-the-truth, refusal to know or stand up for himself for fear of anybody being unhappy in the moment, obsequious, acquiescing behaviors he did with Rory repeating with me.
10.) And I don't see it happening, because I'M JUST AS CONTROLLING AS SHE IS.
11.) A little story by way of illustration: I'm not getting a whole lot out of this astrology class right now. It isn't very structured, it's more like an instructor and some students hanging around shooting the breeze. The instructor is elderly, and, I'm afraid, getting a bit senile. She forgets she told you things and she'll tell you the same story three times.
And one of the things she's told me over and over is, "You have Neptune in the third house (the house of communication). You're prone to miscommunicate, prone to misunderstand. Prone to miscommunicate, prone to misunderstand."
12.) And I notice a transit to Chi's and my Davison right now that warns us to be very, very clear about what we're saying, to be very, very honest, and to avoid miscommunication and misunderstanding.
In the parts of my yearly transit reports that talk about a theme for the whole year: During a year that Chi's with Rory, I get a standard paragraph telling me that I'm addicted to drama, so I'm satisfied because there's lots of drama going on. (I'm beginning to understand that a liking for drama is NOT a good idea.)
And during a year I have Chi, what am I told?? I'm prone to miscommunicate, prone to misunderstand. Prone to miscommunicate, prone to misunderstand.
Um, does it sound like I'm being warned about something, here?? And SOMETHING this year makes me change my mind and accept Chi back into my life again, EVEN THOUGH I see the wisdom now of not doing so?? WTF is that???
13.) I'm informed that, this spring, Chi hits some kind of a breaking point and acts rashly and impulsively.
14.) Chi's charts are advising him to slow down, think, mull options over, delay, learn.
15.) I'm told that the success of mine and Chi's relationship depends on how capable I become at not needing other people in my life and being able to stand alone.
16.) Well known to all psychologists and therapists: WHEN WE DON'T GET WELL, CYCLES REPEAT.
17.) I'm warned about the desire and need to control him because I'm scared of losing him.
18.) One of us is supposed to make a sacrifice for the other one. This cryptic information comes from our Davison relationship chart.
19.) His chart, my chart, and our composite, Davison, and synastry charts are FULL of yods. According to Alice Portman, a yod confers the ability to unlock constrictions and problems with the right sort of work. I can interpret some of our yods. Some of the others are a bit cryptic. The ones I can interpret carry the idea that there's one middle road that makes the relationship work. Too far one way, too far the other way, and it doesn't. Going too slow vs. jumping in too fast. Blithely thinking it's all a slam dunk, or getting too discouraged by the amount of work required. There's a lot of tests and traps for him, and a leap of faith for me. I'm said to be in spiritual graduate school and testing myself, having handled situations like this well in previous lifetimes.
Now,
WTF????
Assimilating the clues...Spring is right around the corner, and the transits that describe a (most likely disastrous) affair then are wayyy more prominent and findable than the ones that said I'd see Chi in October. (I had to go back and ask Alice what she was looking at that predicted his return in the fall.) These new transits are no joke. They practically hit you in the head with a two by four.
And look what just happened.
Look how unhappy he is right now. And I'm about to say goodbye forever. And we know, thanks to Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody, that to a love addict with low self esteem, a person walking away looks very, very attractive.
WHAT are the odds, given what we know now, that these transits are right? Especially since they're slow-moving Uranus and Pluto, VERY powerful in both Chi's and Rory's charts and last some seven years?? And especially since I have this lovely Uranus-about-to-move-off-Saturn transit that usually coincides with a big change of heart about something Important? I never thought it would be him...and that's exactly what this transit is telling me.
Obviously, what I'm being told is that, faced with losing me forever, Chi can't stand it and bolts. Even the online tarot is telling me the same damn thing. Only...how much work has Chi done the past three years on his childhood? Low self esteem? Assertiveness? Self-differentiation? Individuation?
Nothing! He's run around, once again, trying to make everybody else in the family happy instead, hence the problem. I don't care what he wants or needs to do, he's not healed enough from low self worth and codependency to be able to negotiate those relationships...or indeed any relationship at all. I'm a little easier for him to deal with because I've got all this shit figured out, but I still can't read his mind. If I have to read his fucking horoscope to know his mind, his needs, and his feelings, something is fucked up, and besides, that wouldn't work anyhow. They're not that specific.
What I couldn't figure out was, WHY THE FUCK DO I CHANGE MY MIND??
Especially since, clearly, I have every evidence and every reason to know better??
2.) (And this is the scary one.) Something inspires me to try to fight his family for him, even though I'm determined not to do that now.
3.) (This just comes from bitter personal experience.) We should never, never, never expect or plan on what we might ideally hope to get, because that is one scenario that never, ever happens.
4.) MOON OPP NEPTUNE.
5.) I'm told I'm not necessarily fated to lose Chi forever, but it depends partially on whether I wait to complete some "internal process."
6.) I don't know how to stand alone in the world. I'm utterly dependent on having close people in my life, or I don't know how to feel okay.
7.) If I don't learn this now, if I kick this can down the road ANY more, I will end up alone in extreme old age because I misnegotiated a relationship, trying too hard not to end up lonely. It will be hideously painful, first in two years from now when I'm left again, then in about nine years from now when I find out I've been cheated on during a crucial period in my life, then in twenty-two years when I finally dump the guy. And I'm seventy-fucking-one.
8.) Chi finally leaves Rory in the spring, I bully him to divorce her, he goes back to her in 2020-2021, ends up VERY unhappy, and I get him back for keeps in 2023.
9.) He's STILL horribly, horribly codependent, and our relationship goes poorly, with many of the hiding, not-telling-the-truth, refusal to know or stand up for himself for fear of anybody being unhappy in the moment, obsequious, acquiescing behaviors he did with Rory repeating with me.
10.) And I don't see it happening, because I'M JUST AS CONTROLLING AS SHE IS.
11.) A little story by way of illustration: I'm not getting a whole lot out of this astrology class right now. It isn't very structured, it's more like an instructor and some students hanging around shooting the breeze. The instructor is elderly, and, I'm afraid, getting a bit senile. She forgets she told you things and she'll tell you the same story three times.
And one of the things she's told me over and over is, "You have Neptune in the third house (the house of communication). You're prone to miscommunicate, prone to misunderstand. Prone to miscommunicate, prone to misunderstand."
12.) And I notice a transit to Chi's and my Davison right now that warns us to be very, very clear about what we're saying, to be very, very honest, and to avoid miscommunication and misunderstanding.
In the parts of my yearly transit reports that talk about a theme for the whole year: During a year that Chi's with Rory, I get a standard paragraph telling me that I'm addicted to drama, so I'm satisfied because there's lots of drama going on. (I'm beginning to understand that a liking for drama is NOT a good idea.)
And during a year I have Chi, what am I told?? I'm prone to miscommunicate, prone to misunderstand. Prone to miscommunicate, prone to misunderstand.
Um, does it sound like I'm being warned about something, here?? And SOMETHING this year makes me change my mind and accept Chi back into my life again, EVEN THOUGH I see the wisdom now of not doing so?? WTF is that???
13.) I'm informed that, this spring, Chi hits some kind of a breaking point and acts rashly and impulsively.
14.) Chi's charts are advising him to slow down, think, mull options over, delay, learn.
15.) I'm told that the success of mine and Chi's relationship depends on how capable I become at not needing other people in my life and being able to stand alone.
16.) Well known to all psychologists and therapists: WHEN WE DON'T GET WELL, CYCLES REPEAT.
17.) I'm warned about the desire and need to control him because I'm scared of losing him.
18.) One of us is supposed to make a sacrifice for the other one. This cryptic information comes from our Davison relationship chart.
19.) His chart, my chart, and our composite, Davison, and synastry charts are FULL of yods. According to Alice Portman, a yod confers the ability to unlock constrictions and problems with the right sort of work. I can interpret some of our yods. Some of the others are a bit cryptic. The ones I can interpret carry the idea that there's one middle road that makes the relationship work. Too far one way, too far the other way, and it doesn't. Going too slow vs. jumping in too fast. Blithely thinking it's all a slam dunk, or getting too discouraged by the amount of work required. There's a lot of tests and traps for him, and a leap of faith for me. I'm said to be in spiritual graduate school and testing myself, having handled situations like this well in previous lifetimes.
Now,
WTF????
Assimilating the clues...Spring is right around the corner, and the transits that describe a (most likely disastrous) affair then are wayyy more prominent and findable than the ones that said I'd see Chi in October. (I had to go back and ask Alice what she was looking at that predicted his return in the fall.) These new transits are no joke. They practically hit you in the head with a two by four.
And look what just happened.
Look how unhappy he is right now. And I'm about to say goodbye forever. And we know, thanks to Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody, that to a love addict with low self esteem, a person walking away looks very, very attractive.
WHAT are the odds, given what we know now, that these transits are right? Especially since they're slow-moving Uranus and Pluto, VERY powerful in both Chi's and Rory's charts and last some seven years?? And especially since I have this lovely Uranus-about-to-move-off-Saturn transit that usually coincides with a big change of heart about something Important? I never thought it would be him...and that's exactly what this transit is telling me.
Obviously, what I'm being told is that, faced with losing me forever, Chi can't stand it and bolts. Even the online tarot is telling me the same damn thing. Only...how much work has Chi done the past three years on his childhood? Low self esteem? Assertiveness? Self-differentiation? Individuation?
Nothing! He's run around, once again, trying to make everybody else in the family happy instead, hence the problem. I don't care what he wants or needs to do, he's not healed enough from low self worth and codependency to be able to negotiate those relationships...or indeed any relationship at all. I'm a little easier for him to deal with because I've got all this shit figured out, but I still can't read his mind. If I have to read his fucking horoscope to know his mind, his needs, and his feelings, something is fucked up, and besides, that wouldn't work anyhow. They're not that specific.
What I couldn't figure out was, WHY THE FUCK DO I CHANGE MY MIND??
Especially since, clearly, I have every evidence and every reason to know better??
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