So Why the Fuck Do I Change My Mind??

FUTURE

WHAT convinces me to do this, when I see how things are now?

All through this, I haven't been STUPID. Last time, I looked for the classic, married-man-swears-he's-leaving-but-always-has-an-excuse-and-never-moves-out. THAT'S what fooled me the first time. He consulted a divorce lawyer. He moved out. He went to counseling. It was going to be divorce counseling.

THEN it fell apart. Why? Guilt. Codependency.

Clearly, I'd need to see behavior at least as convincing as that in order to change my mind, so I presume that this is what happens. 

And we all know how well Chi can act. He's such a good actor, he even convinces himself he feels some way about a thing when he really doesn't. Anything, anything to make someone else happy and avoid conflict of any sort.

And then I remembered something.

A year and a half or so ago, I told my therapist, the wonderful Janice (who hasn't committed me yet over all this astrology!) that I was rereading all our notes to each other, and I had noticed something. Every time a new person walked onstage and started talking, what Chi thought would SWING to match what that person said.

Now, look at this: It's been three years. To all outside observers, the marriage LOOKS stable. (Because, once again, Chi is groveling to PLEASE OTHER PEOPLE, and NOT TELLING THE TRUTH.)

Because the marriage looks stable, the kids, the friends, and the relatives have all shut up.

Marriage counseling is over. He's upstairs writing me while Rory is downstairs. (Once AGAIN, as if the intervening three years never happened.) 

Rory has shut up.

There's no more individual therapy. He's only in group. His therapist, most unfortunately and unwisely, has shut up.

Once again, Chi is lonely. And once again, I am the only one talking.

And what did I just say?? "I guess we'll just have to end contact."

OH, SHIT.

He's already mimicking me now! About our club meetings. I already told him they'd just lead to disaster. I got no argument. I got agreement. Then: He started telling me what I originally said about it!

And then what did I say?? "You deserve so much more than this in life. How can you accept so little? Why are you doing this to yourself?"

Now his therapy group is going to talk. They've heard the ENTIRE story of the past two and a half years, much more than I heard. What do you think they're saying right now??

And we all know what Chi does when a new person steps up onstage and talks.

What's he going to say to himself now? BUT: Is he any more ready or able to follow through on that?

Let's add one more clue to the compilation I put up here one week ago:

20.) Chi NEVER thinks for himself until he's desperately, desperately unhappy. Literally, until he's entertained the idea of suicide a couple of times. (Really. A person needs to be thinking for himself long, loooong before that.) Until then, his first response--he believes it's his first DUTY--is to adopt the thoughts, opinions, and perspective of the other person. (Unhealthy Sun in Libra in action, folks!!) And he ACTS with the skill of Robert De Niro.

And THIS is why we have communication problems! 

Sometimes deception in a relationship happens because one person is  consciously trying to use and hurt the other one. 

This deception is happening because one person can neither find nor fight for the self.

THIS IS MOON OPP NEPTUNE. This is the deception and miscommunication I've been warned about.

He's going to come back to me and say all this--"I can't live like that anymore, I love you, I miss you, I have to leave--" AND FOLLOW IT UP WITH BEHAVIOR--and I believe him.

This is what happened the first time. And I fall right for it again, because:

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A MANIFESTATION OF CODEPENDENCY AND A WEAK, WEAK EGO. NOBODY DOES!!

I BELIEVE IT'S REALLY HIM.

Especially when, especially when, especially when, especially when--

It's what I think he should do anyway! (Remember how I'm advised to stop CONTROLLING?? Because I need him to make me feel less afraid and more secure in life? You know--that stuff I'm supposed to be doing for myself??)

Especially when, especially when, especially when, especially when--

I'm lonely and needy and it's what I long to hear.

There's my Neptune in house three! There's why I misunderstand.


But really, who knows? 

I mean, fuck, man. It could really be him, but...

...as soon as he leaves Rory, the relatives all start up again, and his thoughts, all over again, SWING to match their pain and SWING to match everything they're screaming at him. And the next thing we know, it's back to, "They're going to cut me out of the family. I'm causing other people too much pain." 


Because he hasn't done any work within himself to know any other way to handle the situation.

And how do I know that?? Because I've spent the past two and a half years reading books, watching videos, uncovering what's wrong with ME, journaling, and healing--and he hasn't. All he's done is sat in the back of a therapy group watching OTHER people working, healing, getting well, and moving on. While he speaks in that group maybe once every few weeks. And focuses ALL HIS ATTENTION on other people, other people's problems, doing what other people want, and making sure other people are happy and nobody's mad at him.

Folks, this is the definition of codependency. All he's doing is cycling and cycling back through it, 

f
  a
    l
      l
       i
        n
          g
             
           back, back, BACK INTO THE ILLNESS that got him here

                       DOING IT ALL OVER AGAIN

instead of studying, working in therapy, healing from the sick childhood with sick parents that did this to him in the first place,

            INSTEAD OF GETTING THE FUCK WELL.

PLEASE NOTE:

Recovery from a broken childhood is not a spectator sport. 

If you spend sixty years avoiding difficult emotional work, you spend sixty years forever a lonely, sad, broken child, making everyone else your parent, bending over backwards for mommy and daddy to love you and take care of you the way you needed when you really were a child. 

And you do the same damn thing, over and over...ruining everyone else's life in the process, because YOU WON'T LET YOURSELF KNOW WHO YOU ARE, AND WHEN YOU DO KNOW YOU WON'T TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT IT. 

Because, believe it or not, YOU ARE A PERSON. You are a real person, just like other people, with the VERY SAME NEED to BE YOUR REAL SELF.

Only, growing up in a sick family, you learned that you shouldn't be your real self. What you should do instead is look at everyone else to tell you who you should be. And when we do that, it hurts. Humans have to be themselves, and acting hurts. And everyone else knows that, but sick families don't. And you believe that being your real self instead of performing for the people around you, is bad. 

Because your family of origin displayed to you that YOU were bad, and should not have a self. And you're still believing that, even when you experience that living this way hurts you. So you don't even understand why it hurts, and you keep trying to mute out the hurt, stamp it out, push it in, cram it in, so you can keep doing all the things that please everyone else and keep everyone else happy. 

And eventually it hurts so much you can't stand it anymore, and blow up and move out or have an affair, and it's right about now that everyone else wonders, "What's wrong with you?"


AND YOUR LOVED ONES GET THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF THEM, BECAUSE THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR NEED TO ACT FOR THEM, AND THEY TRUST YOUR WORD.

And half the time, you're so worried about what they will think of you, you're trusting your word, too! When, 


if you just had some of your OWN approval,

you wouldn't need so much of everyone else's.

(I don't know how many times I thought this same thing of my mother, watching the way she acted when I was a child.)

So you run around and around the same worn track, avoiding those codependency books and videos like they're the damn plague, when they are the only way OFF the same worn track. 

Then you wonder why three more years passed and you're still living in a world of pain.

                                 ***

There's a saying among astrologers that the only reason astrology is predictive is: WE DON'T LEARN.

Yes, it all happens all over again, only this time I'm even more horribly devastated. Because this time I thought it was for keeps. He stays out of the marriage for two years this time. Marriage counseling didn't work; Rory is still behaving abominably; anybody else would leave. 

And I'm judging him by that adult part of him that holds a Very Important Position that requires a lot of smarts and made him a million dollars. I expect that that sad hurting little boy healed and grew up, because he can LOOK like it for months at a time.

But without the WORK, these things don't happen. And look who spent the past three years working on other people, instead of on himself. Again!!!

This time, we're together twenty-four months instead of only four.

And this time, I am devastated beyond ALL recognition.

                                  ***

Unhealed from old child feelings of being scared, lonely, and unable to take care of myself or find any meaning in life if I don't have some close loved one around, and without the tool of astrology, 

I can't see this.

Healed, and with astrology, I can.

And THAT'S the crucial internal process I was supposed to wait to complete, and why I've been so obsessive and in such a damn hurry these last three years. 

If I'm incapable of finding my purpose and my own two feet, I'm so needy, a-tiptoe to hear him say those magic three words ("I'm divorcing Rory") that I have NO hope of figuring out what's actually going on. (And I'd better, because I'm not too sure if this therapist of his has any fucking clue.)

I need too badly for it to be real.

And our whole relationship goes on and on like that!! For TWENTY YEARS! IT NEVER STOPS. Because he never sets to work and HE NEVER GETS WELL. And I was going to perpetuate it, because before I started reading the astrology and seeing all these warnings, I was frozen in place, that sad, scared, lonely little child wounded and hurt by HER parents. I wasn't going to get well, either.

No matter how hard I thought I was listening or how it looked like he was telling me the truth, our relationship would have been just like Chi and Rory--especially if I stay controlling, trying to mold him and our life the way I wanted. I'd hear this, and it would look like it was the truth: 

"Yes-dear-yes-dear-yes-dear-yes-dear," until one day...

"AAAUUGGHH!! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!"

Only he isn't assertive enough to a.) say that early on, and b.) back himself up...which would have prevented the problems! 

Instead, he just finds other people to complain to, and one of them about ten years from now is an unattached woman, and then... and then ... 

I get to be Rory.

(Hence the saying, If he cheated on her, he'll cheat on you. In this case, here's why. Unhealed, untreated, RAMPANT codependency and low self worth. Ah, giving in to codependency always looks like you're doing the right thing at the time...doesn't it??)

And Rory and I and everyone else are always baffled. It looks so much like it's really him.

                               ***

And IT'S ALL HAPPENING. In the next three months.

HOLY

FUCKING

SHIT.

Well, now I've already started it. I've already started the trajectory. Here we go.

How to alter the forthcoming bad transits? Is there any possibility of a happy ending? What's the middle road? Is it so dangerous to me that I no longer care?

In a word: YIPES.

Why you should never, never, NEVER, never judge when you hear about an affair...and why you should be wary of participating in one.

PAST

I was feeling better about things than I have felt in a long, long time. I'd gotten over the neediness, the thought that if he'd only come back, it would be the best, best thing, better than anything else I could ever have in my life. I understood that I wasn't operating in entirely healthy mode when I entered that relationship, and I have spent the past two years learning all about that and trying to fix these problems in myself. I understood that he wasn't healthy at ALL when he entered this relationship...and hasn't been healthy at all his whole life. 

I understood. And I considered that a triumph. And I feel better than I have in a year and a half, even though the memory of this man never leaves me even for a minute.

That's progress, I suppose.

And then I was in the bathroom at Panera Bread today, and our song started playing.

We had more songs in four months than most couples have in forty years. We played each other music a lot. For his part, Chi had a "Ridley mix CD" which held a lot of songs that made him think of me. He played me a few once. The music was just like him--eclectic, different, indie, sad songs by artists I had never heard of before. Plaintive, ephemeral, sad. He'd said several times he was sure something would happen and this happiness would be snatched away. That he had the feeling he just wasn't fated ever to be happy in this life.

My songs were more upbeat. I played him a lot of Taylor Swift. But THE song, the one I hardly ever hear anywhere, the one I finally heard today, was "Say Geronimo" by Sheppard. I think it's in the promos for Zootopia; I don't know if it's in the movie. Our flagship song.

That was the one I played him after he left me the first time.

Before he moved out, I had the luxury of being the only voice in his ear besides that of the therapist I insisted he find once I realized how severely ACoA he is. After he moved out, a lot of other voices started talking. For one thing, Rory, of course, finally realized (after basically ignoring him for two decades) that they had serious problems. And their grown daughter, Hope, had a lot to say, too.

Hope took him to breakfast the morning after he moved out and lobbied him not to leave. It wasn't fair, she said. They'd been married thirty-five years, and hadn't really talked for twenty.

Hmm, okay, but I had to point out to Chi the sort of treatment Rory had been handing him ever since he had started trying to tell her they had serious problems. Unacceptable. Completely unacceptable. If I ever treat any man that way ever in my life...shoot me.

He was afraid she'd manipulate him back into the marriage again and then start her behavior all over again. She'd done it before, he said. She'd do just enough, in previous years when he'd complained about her near-constant neglect, to keep him, then go right back to her old ways yet again. He didn't trust her. 

I asked him, Do you trust her now? Can you trust her? Because I can't carry on a full-blown affair with a married man. The only reason I'm still here is that you moved out, and you're planning to file for divorce. If you start counseling with her, I have to say goodbye.

And I didn't want to. I really didn't want to.

After that conversation, I played him that song. 

He told me he really didn't want to fix things with Rory. His therapist asked him, if it wasn't for his daughter, would he be thinking about marriage counseling at all. He said no.

In two days, he was back.

                                   ****

Now I'm hearing that song in the bathroom at Panera Bread. And what comes back to me is how silly, how unrealistic, what a child I was. I was the conquering hero, saving him from Bad Old Rory. Who knew why she was acting the way she was? We only knew one thing: It was bad. Real bad.

And I was the one who saw he was ACoA, who knew enough to insist he find himself a therapist, who talked him down over the phone on one of the worst nights of his life (I won't even say where Rory was, only that he'd been going around the house crying all week; she didn't even notice and had left town). I was the one who showed him he was lovable and sexy--and he believed me! This tall, handsome, sharp, smart, successful, sweet, sexy guy believed in himself again. And I had done that. While she was still acting like a world class horse's ass.

I was going to win this fantastic guy, Rory would get what she deserved, and we would be happy ever after!

                                   ****

When you first enter a relationship where one party is already in a relationship with someone else, it always looks simpler than it is. 

By the same token, when you first hear that someone you are close to has cheated on their longtime spouse, it always looks simpler than it is.

Trust me on this one: You never, ever, ever, 

                                      ever

ever, ever, ever,

        EVER

see it the way it REALLY IS 

with your first damn glance.


Or your second.


Or your THIRD.


Trust me on this one. Really.

I'm about to prove it to you.

Are you ready?? 

(coming next week...)
 

To See You Again...

PRESENT

When you lose someone you love more than life, all you can do is double over in pain, your hands cradling this gaping, bleeding wound. All you want is to have that person back again.

I had this experience double-whammied—two guys in as many years.

The difference is, when one of them is still alive, he could come back…and you know it.

Especially when the behavior he left you for was questionable at best.

Two years ago, doctor gave me a choice: take medication for my panic attacks, or go to therapy. I chose the therapy.

A year and a half ago, my therapist and I sat shaking our heads. If it were me being left, by Chi, Simon, or the loser I had before Simon, I would have run after the person: “How have I failed you? Did I do something wrong? Why are you unhappy? Please tell me what I can do to make things better.”

Rory? Rory responded with some behavior I'd never go back for in a million years if it were me. If you went into marriage counseling complaining about a behavior and the person just showed you more of it--even after you'd just moved out--the writing is on the wall. Note, ladies: If you want the guy to stay, you might try acting nicer, not nastier. (Unless the guy is a codependent. Then guilt and nasty behavior is, in fact, likely to get you what you want.)

Next to behavior like that, I am a no-brainer. I should have been a no-brainer for this guy, and I knew it. Which is why my therapist and I sat there and shook our heads.

How, how could this wonderful man leave me for treatment like this?? We anticipated that he’d soon figure out she wasn’t going to change. About a year, tops.

A year came and went. This is when the desperate turn to astrology.

I looked ahead a couple of years, and in a six-to-nine month period beginning in January 2017, here is what I found:

The same transit I had describing feelings of blissful happiness in a new relationship, that coincided perfectly with Chi and I two years ago, Chi and I both have coming up, at the same time. Rory’s horoscope transits, all of which have described calm interludes of personal growth for the past two years, are now predicting turbulence in a relationship. She’s getting the same one Chi got when he moved out: “This effect manifests itself in a variety of ways. First of all, you will demand more emotional satisfaction in your relationships. It will not be enough for a relationship simply to go on as it has. If your existing friendships and love relationships do not meet your needs, you will find new ones that do. Your goal is freedom of emotional self-expression and experience.” The one quoted in the previous post, about needing to be completely honest about all the problems in the relationship, lasts almost until the end of 2017.

Rory also has Saturn opp Mercury:

“At this time your ideas and plans may be defeated, or they may have their greatest concrete realization. In either case, you will run into considerable resistance from others to what you say. This may result in severing relationships with those who disagree with you because there is no longer any communication between you. Or it may result simply in the breakdown of communication that was once quite good.

Although this is not an especially easy time, you shouldn't take a negative or pessimistic view of matters. There are concrete challenges to be met, and you should use your energy to recognize and meet them. Negative thinking is a form of self-indulgence that you cannot afford at this time.

One factor of this influence may be causing you problems. If you have already allowed your thinking to become too rigid and fixed, you will find it difficult to make occasional necessary compromises when you are challenged. Even with the best ideas, a certain amount of mental flexibility is necessary. Rigidity is almost certain to spell defeat, because the forces that oppose you will become equally unbending and rigid.”

And for Chi, I can make two columns: The transits reflecting a time of peaceful change, enlightenment, and growth within a stable relationship, without disturbing his personal life, and those describing painful change and turbulence in home life and relationship. For most of 2015, and all of 2016, most of the checks are in the “peaceful growth” column.

In 2017, ALL of the checks but two (out of a possible twenty-six) fall into the “domestic disruption” column. And in 2018, four separate transits reflect an extramarital affair. Again.

Now, here’s my next six months:

“Watch out for impulsive actions, rash decisions and other actions that may have sudden, unexpected consequences and undesirable results in the future. You may feel that your ego is at stake in some way and that you have to assert yourself now regardless of the risk of getting involved in an accident.

The only real answer to this influence is to try to achieve some security about who you are and what you are doing. Then you will not feel such a great need to break free and take rash and ill-considered actions. You may still feel obliged to do something that is a significant break from your normal routine, but it will not be so destructive.

This influence signifies increased mental activity and a desire to communicate to others something that you consider important. Whether or not your message is important, you probably think it is, so you should take the time to see if that is true. There is no point in loading people up with your ideas and opinions unless they are worth something. And when you speak to others at this time it is vital that you listen to their response. For although you have big ideas and plans, there is a tendency now to overlook details. You may be unwilling to listen to criticism, but if you listen and heed what you are told, this can be an excellent time for making decisions, planning, negotiating and concluding deals or agreements. But this will happen only if you listen to others' opinions.

This is when sloppy thinking can become especially dangerous. During this period you may encounter resistance to your ideas and opinions from a number of sources. It is a good time to examine your ideas and see how well they really hold up in an argument.

This can be a difficult time in your life. Because of circumstances and other people, you find it very difficult to make the changes you would like to make in the world around you. Sometimes the experience of this transit is much like struggling against chains that hold you down. The temptation is to resist and struggle with all your might. The best way to handle it is with some degree of detachment. Understandably you will be quite upset with some of the obstacles that crop up now, but regard them as a way of finding out which areas of your life are working and which are not. This influence usually represents a call to eliminate the unnecessary and superfluous elements in your life. It requires that you get rid of the dead and useless structures. If you do it voluntarily, it will be easier.

With care and planning and adequate restraint, this influence is a general sign of fortunately timed action that takes advantage of the proper moment and makes the most of it. And this is not luck on your part, but insight and skill. All of this requires preparation, however, because impulsive actions at this time are not likely to be very effective.

During this time communications with others may become quite difficult, if the reason for communicating is to coerce opinions and thinking rather than to inform. Such coercion provokes resistance and then a general breakdown of communication. You must let others be and let them think what they want. Avoid fanatical ideas, that is, opinions that you believe in absolutely and consider worthy of forcing on others.

At this time you can incorporate into yourself the fruits of previous successes, look them over and appreciate them for what they were. The key idea is that you are in a position to understand your life and therefore better able to be in conscious control of it. This is not merely an intellectual understanding, it is born of experience. You have lived through certain things, and now you can proceed on the basis of that understanding.”It's almost 2017.

If I ever see this guy again, it’s going to happen soon.And I don't know how I feel about that right now. 

I really don't.