So What Happened with Me and Chi??

PRESENT

(Yes, I'm going to update you on the Chi situation. Just let me get these three astrology blogs out first.)

Tune in next...

Everything Ends One Day

PAST

September 8, 2017

These blogs are usually on a time lapse. I write a pile—more than could ever fit in one post—so I break them up and schedule them one after the other. Chances are, you won’t find out whether the prediction came true or not for a couple of months after I know about it.

In the meantime, every time I have to write the date, I’m reminded that it’s one day closer to the end of the month. I guess it’s within the realm of possibility that, if the prediction comes true, it could be a bit late, especially since Chi’s preponderance of fixed and mutable signs reflects what I already know: a tendency to be afraid of change, and to run from the opposite direction of any kind of pain or upset, therefore letting problems fester in denial until they reach a horrible crisis. (Which is precisely what he did for twenty years the last time.)

But, much past the end of September, and that prediction isn’t coming true. Either they had EXCELLENT help, did lots of terrific work in therapy, both of them--and I’ve seen the transits these past two years reflecting that they’ve had those opportunities--and they’re fine, which is the best and most desirable outcome for them.

Or they didn’t, and he’s either fixated on someone else to avoid his problems with, or is just too ashamed, embarrassed, or scared to ever contact me again.

Even if he did, I'd have to send him back to her for reasons coming up in the next post. Either way, it’s definitely over, and I’m going to be alone for a long, long time. Quite possibly forever.

And besides, who the FUCK would ever look at this situation and think it holds any hope of any kind of future?

(This is, I note, the very same thing I said to myself when I knew I liked him all those years ago and went, There’s no way that can ever happen.)

But really. Sometimes you have to get real.

I am really, really sad, and really, really depressed. I hope that some day, life the way it is will feel like there’s enough meaning in it for me. Because it’s not going to change.

Well…I can’t say there isn’t meaning in it. I have learned an awful lot and grown a lot through this experience. I know things I never knew before, and I have changed some unhealthy perspectives on life and relationships that I have held and believed since I was little. I know that that is the main purpose of life, and in that, I have accomplished a great deal. There’s a school of thought that suffering is good for the soul. In that case, I imagine my soul is in excellent shape.

I just wish it didn’t have to be so joyless. So lonely and so sad. I guess that’s a consequence of having been happy. When you’ve been as happy in a relationship as I have been, nothing else is ever really going to compare. All I’ve really wanted my whole life is to belong with people, solid, healthy people who fit who I was.

I guess that’s just going to include only me from now on. And life is just so much better and happier with other people in it, if they’re healthy people. When your relationships have been horrible, being alone is wonderful and freeing. When your relationships have been happy, being alone is sad.

At least I know that the universe isn’t just being cruel, and that I’m supposed to get some crucial learning out of experiences like these. I know what crucial learning I was supposed to take home from knowing Chi, and from examining those relationships. 

I just don’t know what crucial learning I am supposed to take home from being this alone and this sad. It feels like my whole life is over, nothing much good is going to happen to me anymore, and I’m just waiting to get old, lose my faculties, move into a shitty nursing home, and sit in front of a TV set alone til I die. So what if I ever did become a successful writer? I’d still be all alone. 

Let’s face it, when you’ve had the happiest love in your life, nothing else even comes close, or ever will again. And when special people are gone, nothing ever will replace them.

Even pets feel this way. My friend in writer's group just had to put her dog to sleep a month ago, and woke up in a cold sweat the other night dreaming he was lost and she couldn't find him. Even her remaining dog is overeating, housesoiling, and experiencing symptoms of separation anxiety. There really is no way around it; losing someone special is traumatic.

I just hope I can find some way not to be this sad for the rest of my life.

So, I’m trying to be real here. These are just horoscopes. There’s no way I’ll ever see this guy again. (Although, I will say, they were just horoscopes before, and they predicted the beginning of this relationship perfectly, and right at the end of the transits that were relevant. Just like it’s the end of them again this time.)

One other thing I’ve learned: All that really has to happen for a horoscope transit not to come true is one thing…someone’s decision. If you decide a thing will not happen, you can alter any transit. 

Robert Hand and Liz Greene (famous astrologers, leaders in the field) both say this. In fact, what they write is that astrology is there so that we may peek into the future, see the bad decisions we are about to make, and change them before they happen. Use them to learn our lessons more quickly and efficiently and make ourselves better people, while avoiding some of life’s most painful consequences. Speed up our ability to reach the spiritual milestones we incarnated in order to reach.

Maybe that’s what Chi and Rory have done. If so, more power to them. If they could turn that Titanic around (especially Rory), then they deserve every happiness, and I’m just the chump who goaded them into it. I did my job, and ended up badly, badly hurt, as I was supposed to. As 99.999999% of all of us third-parties-to-the-marriage do.

So what does the chump do next? Finish her novel, I suppose. Complicating that, unfortunately, is the fact that now I’m up to the love affair and I have to reread ours to figure out how to structure that one.

And all I know is how happy I was. I’m happy just rereading it.

And so, so sad that it will never happen again.

Part of knowing that you’ve had good things in your life, and done good things in your life, is the fact that you have happy memories to look back on. And when you can look back and see the good things you did. Because I did do some, even with regard to their marriage, and that much is evident.

But it sure is sad when your present life is dismal by comparison.

I have to remember two things: One, if he ever came back, it should be for HIM, not me. I don't want him back because he feels guilty that he hurt me or that I'm upset. That wouldn't be any better for him than going back to a bad relationship with Rory because he felt guilty about her would be. 

If a relationship does not work for YOU, it's not going to work, period. As bad as I feel, I'm healthier emotionally now than he was when I last saw him. He was in very bad shape, and as such, it's his welfare before mine. If I'm unhappy, handling that is my job, not his job. Healing his codependency and low self worth is his job, not my job.

We can't do these jobs FOR each other. Humans can do these jobs WITH each other, but never FOR each other, Bible stories about Jesus dying on the cross "for" our sins notwithstanding. If we try that in real life, it's codependent and unhealthy.

Second, I need to remember that THIS IS LIFE.

No matter what happens, if you love someone, you're going to lose them ONE day, unless you die first.

That's the way it is. Tough.

Sooner or later, every one of us is going to spend time alone--maybe a  long time--and every one of us needs to learn how to do that.

So it's been almost four years, and I still haven't figured that out.

That's my job.

Why you should never, never, NEVER, never judge when you hear about an affair...and why you should be wary of participating in one, Book Two

PRESENT


As I said, you never, ever, ever

                    EVER

see a current or potential affair the way it really is on your first glance. 

Or your second.

(Maybe you will on your third.)

Which is why it would behoove you, should you discover that your best friend is cheating on his wife of thirty-five years, whom you like and respect, not to light into him with judgement and castigation, until you know a wholewholewholewhole 

LOT MORE.

And why, should you be thinking of actually striking something up with that person you've kind of liked for a long time, even though there's a third party already involved, you should pause. Until you know a wholewholewholewhole

LOT MORE.


Let's start, shall we, with a couple of real-life examples, drawn, as it were, from my own very painful real-life experience.

Let's say you are an old friend of Rory and Chi's. You've known this couple forEVER. They're so charming, so sweet, they seem so good together. He has a very successful career, she's a wonderful homemaker and mother, they raised two beautiful children. The oldest had a beautiful wedding and now has a beautiful child herself. When you've had problems  in your marriage and wondered about walking out, you always looked sideways at this couple, and Rory and Chi always gave you hope that marriage could work...for somebody, at least.

Suddenly, you hear the impossible! Chi moved out?? After thirty-five years of wedded bliss?? And--HE HAS ANOTHER WOMAN??

Poor Rory!!

OH, my God. Not this couple!

And what are you going to do the next time you see Chi? How are you going to act??

Because you KNOW the TRUTH, right?? In that big beautiful house, they've lived thirty-five years of wedded bliss, and now Chi's just decided to turn bad, right?? Because YOU saw them out and about and things always LOOKED wonderful. Right???

WRONG.

If you could get the peek into reality that I've just had, if Chi ever sat down with you and told you the truth, what you would hear is that for the past twenty years, Rory, in the privacy of their home, has behaved like a plastic person. She doesn't really respond to anything, when they're alone, with any semblance of real emotion. She responds in five words or less. She tells Chi what a perfect husband he is in a monotone deadpan. She doesn't want to go on vacation. She doesn't want to curl up and snuggle. They've had sex two to three times a year for the past ten years. That's what you'd hear. And Chi feels so beaten up about it that he thinks he's worthless. And he believes that all marriages are like this, so there's nothing else to do but sit there and feel horrible. About marriage. About himself. About life.

Would you believe it?

Chances are you'd try to argue, just like Hope did. But, but-but-but-but-BUT.

Things aren't really what they looked on the surface to you at all, now, were they? Before you argue, try to feel this man's pain, please. 

Especially since ACoA's have spent their whole lives long ignored and treated like they weren't worth being around, as has anyone with a parent who was affected by drugs or mental illness. They felt like lower life forms anyway, not as good as other people, and then they marry someone like this. Now they feel worse.

You didn't know that about your friend, did you? Did you?

He sort of had reason to go out and find someone else, didn't he? Because how can you ask for more in your marriage, if you don't understand that there's more to be had? That not everyone will treat you like this? That you don't deserve to be treated like this??

(And that you really should be in therapy, which, thank heavens, someone finally got you to do!)

Next time you find out someone you know, or some public figure has had an affair, don't be so quick to judge. In this case, it LOOKED like someone was just being unreasonable, mean, and selfish, when really there were deep-seated emotional problems on both sides going back to childhood. You really didn't know the whole situation. 

And in any affair situation you might hear about, you really don't.

                                   ****

Now. You there, thinking of stepping into a relationship where there's already someone in the spot you want, or stepping out of one when you haven't divorced your spouse. The same phenomenon is likely to affect you in the coming months, in ways you can't even imagine yet.  

I was the conquering hero, saving him from Bad Old Rory. Who knew why she was acting the way she was? We only knew one thing: It was bad. Real bad.

And I was the one who saw he was ACoA, who knew enough to insist he find himself a therapist, who talked him down over the phone on one of the worst nights of his life (I won't even say where Rory was, only that he'd been going around the house crying all week; she didn't even notice and had left town). I was the one who showed him he was lovable and sexy--and he believed me! This tall, handsome, sharp, smart, successful, sweet, sexy guy believed in himself again. And I had done that. While she was still acting like a world class horse's ass.

I was going to win this fantastic guy, Rory would get what she deserved, and we would be happy ever after!

That was what it looked like at first. That was what I thought.

We spent so much time puzzling over Rory's behavior. She said what to you?? Why is she acting like that??

At first I thought she was just there for security. Chi is quite successful, after all. Then one morning I woke out of a sound sleep: She doesn't love him! Poor Chi! 

I spent a good deal of time very angry at Rory. I felt vindicated by how she treated him.

BUT...having a parent with mental illness teaches you a lot. Especially if you've read

                       and read

and read
                                                                and read

                                      and read  

about it. I read a ton of relationship books, too, which is one reason my marriage with Simon worked out so well. And one thing I knew from all that reading is that if one partner in a marriage is emotionally unwell, the other person is, too. Healthy people are only attracted to healthy people, and unhealthy people are only attracted to unhealthy people. So if Chi was so very desperately ACoA, something had to be wrong with Rory.

I was just damned if I could figure out what it was.

It looked like she was just being an ASS. 

And then, one day, Chi told me ONE thing she said that turned the light on. I started to realize why she was doing what she was doing, and I understood a little more how she felt and what it was like to be her.

I just didn't understand how it started.

I had a dilemma then. Do I tell Chi? If I do, I could lose him.

But I couldn't know what I knew and not say anything. 

It wasn't fair.

So I told him. And I told him he might have a chance at saving his marriage if he invited her to marriage counseling.

I won't put his reply here in case Rory ever happens along. She would find it hurtful. But I could totally see why he felt that way.

He didn't change his mind until much later, for a very ACoA reason.

And after he did, I was devastated.

I thought he'd made his decision and moved out, and that was it. Right?

I thought we were past all the hardest spots. 

Little did I know what ACoA guilt can do to a person.

I can only hope it's worked out for them now. Because if it isn't, Chi is going to be in quite a fix.

The other reason I hope it's worked out for them is this video I posted before, but will post one more time, because the information is extremely valuable. If I had seen it before my relationship with Chi, I probably wouldn't have entered the relationship.

Here it is:

The Slaughter of Trust, by the wonderful Mark Smith  


After I saw this, I realized: This is what I was looking at. This is why they were together. She really IS his other half.

(There's also a bit about what you have to do when the other person----WILL NOT work in therapy...well, you need to fire that person. And Chi needs to apply that to Rory, and I need to apply that to Chi.)
 
And I will bet any amount of money that this is Rory.

And NOW I know that.

                                   ****

Not what I thought in the beginning, now, was it??

                                   ****

And that's the thing about an affair.

It never is. 

Ah, but then I dug deeper.

Then I read some other stuff, and then I learned more.

NOW what I know is THIS: 

First Glance: "This poor guy. He's wonderful, and he's married to this cold, bitchy woman who doesn't love him and who's just using him. I know how to treat him, he's in therapy, so when we're together everything will be hunky-dory. (And it will be because of me.) <---There's MY problem, which I needed to be woken up to, and which Chi did very nicely.   

Second Glance: "She is in as much pain as he is, and they picked each other out of old childhood wounds they need to heal. Ideally, they'll do this together, so I really didn't belong there. Except 'the other woman' was necessary to give them both a good swift kick and get them into therapy together finally."

Third Glance: "These problems are WAYYY worse than I even saw on my second glance. If they have a GOOD therapist who understands abandonment and engulfment issues and the need to do family of origin work, they might be OK. 

If it doesn't work, and he shows up again, this guy has very serious problems, and this relationship could be very, very painful."


Wow.

Who saw that coming?? 

See what I mean? When an affair starts, you never, never

                    ever, ever

ever see what's really coming. 

If it's someone you know who's cheating, just shut the fuck up. You do NOT know the truth.

And if it's YOU getting ready to have the affair, look out.

It's not what it looks like.

It's way worse than what it looks like.

YOU DON'T SEE IT COMING.

You really don't. 

And that's why I named this blog, "All Too Easy."

When you're attracted to someone who's already with someone else...or you're with someone already and you're looking at a third party, it always seems like just the solution to some problem you're having.


Yeah, right.

Cue Darth Vader: "All Too Easy."