Everything Ends One Day

PAST

September 8, 2017

These blogs are usually on a time lapse. I write a pile—more than could ever fit in one post—so I break them up and schedule them one after the other. Chances are, you won’t find out whether the prediction came true or not for a couple of months after I know about it.

In the meantime, every time I have to write the date, I’m reminded that it’s one day closer to the end of the month. I guess it’s within the realm of possibility that, if the prediction comes true, it could be a bit late, especially since Chi’s preponderance of fixed and mutable signs reflects what I already know: a tendency to be afraid of change, and to run from the opposite direction of any kind of pain or upset, therefore letting problems fester in denial until they reach a horrible crisis. (Which is precisely what he did for twenty years the last time.)

But, much past the end of September, and that prediction isn’t coming true. Either they had EXCELLENT help, did lots of terrific work in therapy, both of them--and I’ve seen the transits these past two years reflecting that they’ve had those opportunities--and they’re fine, which is the best and most desirable outcome for them.

Or they didn’t, and he’s either fixated on someone else to avoid his problems with, or is just too ashamed, embarrassed, or scared to ever contact me again.

Even if he did, I'd have to send him back to her for reasons coming up in the next post. Either way, it’s definitely over, and I’m going to be alone for a long, long time. Quite possibly forever.

And besides, who the FUCK would ever look at this situation and think it holds any hope of any kind of future?

(This is, I note, the very same thing I said to myself when I knew I liked him all those years ago and went, There’s no way that can ever happen.)

But really. Sometimes you have to get real.

I am really, really sad, and really, really depressed. I hope that some day, life the way it is will feel like there’s enough meaning in it for me. Because it’s not going to change.

Well…I can’t say there isn’t meaning in it. I have learned an awful lot and grown a lot through this experience. I know things I never knew before, and I have changed some unhealthy perspectives on life and relationships that I have held and believed since I was little. I know that that is the main purpose of life, and in that, I have accomplished a great deal. There’s a school of thought that suffering is good for the soul. In that case, I imagine my soul is in excellent shape.

I just wish it didn’t have to be so joyless. So lonely and so sad. I guess that’s a consequence of having been happy. When you’ve been as happy in a relationship as I have been, nothing else is ever really going to compare. All I’ve really wanted my whole life is to belong with people, solid, healthy people who fit who I was.

I guess that’s just going to include only me from now on. And life is just so much better and happier with other people in it, if they’re healthy people. When your relationships have been horrible, being alone is wonderful and freeing. When your relationships have been happy, being alone is sad.

At least I know that the universe isn’t just being cruel, and that I’m supposed to get some crucial learning out of experiences like these. I know what crucial learning I was supposed to take home from knowing Chi, and from examining those relationships. 

I just don’t know what crucial learning I am supposed to take home from being this alone and this sad. It feels like my whole life is over, nothing much good is going to happen to me anymore, and I’m just waiting to get old, lose my faculties, move into a shitty nursing home, and sit in front of a TV set alone til I die. So what if I ever did become a successful writer? I’d still be all alone. 

Let’s face it, when you’ve had the happiest love in your life, nothing else even comes close, or ever will again. And when special people are gone, nothing ever will replace them.

Even pets feel this way. My friend in writer's group just had to put her dog to sleep a month ago, and woke up in a cold sweat the other night dreaming he was lost and she couldn't find him. Even her remaining dog is overeating, housesoiling, and experiencing symptoms of separation anxiety. There really is no way around it; losing someone special is traumatic.

I just hope I can find some way not to be this sad for the rest of my life.

So, I’m trying to be real here. These are just horoscopes. There’s no way I’ll ever see this guy again. (Although, I will say, they were just horoscopes before, and they predicted the beginning of this relationship perfectly, and right at the end of the transits that were relevant. Just like it’s the end of them again this time.)

One other thing I’ve learned: All that really has to happen for a horoscope transit not to come true is one thing…someone’s decision. If you decide a thing will not happen, you can alter any transit. 

Robert Hand and Liz Greene (famous astrologers, leaders in the field) both say this. In fact, what they write is that astrology is there so that we may peek into the future, see the bad decisions we are about to make, and change them before they happen. Use them to learn our lessons more quickly and efficiently and make ourselves better people, while avoiding some of life’s most painful consequences. Speed up our ability to reach the spiritual milestones we incarnated in order to reach.

Maybe that’s what Chi and Rory have done. If so, more power to them. If they could turn that Titanic around (especially Rory), then they deserve every happiness, and I’m just the chump who goaded them into it. I did my job, and ended up badly, badly hurt, as I was supposed to. As 99.999999% of all of us third-parties-to-the-marriage do.

So what does the chump do next? Finish her novel, I suppose. Complicating that, unfortunately, is the fact that now I’m up to the love affair and I have to reread ours to figure out how to structure that one.

And all I know is how happy I was. I’m happy just rereading it.

And so, so sad that it will never happen again.

Part of knowing that you’ve had good things in your life, and done good things in your life, is the fact that you have happy memories to look back on. And when you can look back and see the good things you did. Because I did do some, even with regard to their marriage, and that much is evident.

But it sure is sad when your present life is dismal by comparison.

I have to remember two things: One, if he ever came back, it should be for HIM, not me. I don't want him back because he feels guilty that he hurt me or that I'm upset. That wouldn't be any better for him than going back to a bad relationship with Rory because he felt guilty about her would be. 

If a relationship does not work for YOU, it's not going to work, period. As bad as I feel, I'm healthier emotionally now than he was when I last saw him. He was in very bad shape, and as such, it's his welfare before mine. If I'm unhappy, handling that is my job, not his job. Healing his codependency and low self worth is his job, not my job.

We can't do these jobs FOR each other. Humans can do these jobs WITH each other, but never FOR each other, Bible stories about Jesus dying on the cross "for" our sins notwithstanding. If we try that in real life, it's codependent and unhealthy.

Second, I need to remember that THIS IS LIFE.

No matter what happens, if you love someone, you're going to lose them ONE day, unless you die first.

That's the way it is. Tough.

Sooner or later, every one of us is going to spend time alone--maybe a  long time--and every one of us needs to learn how to do that.

So it's been almost four years, and I still haven't figured that out.

That's my job.