WHY the Right Answers Are the Right Answers, Book Three

FUTURE

(includes ANOTHER PREDICTION.)

So we’ve seen that all three of the people in my triangle, Rory, Chi, and me, all didn’t grow up right due to unhealthy parenting, and we’ve all given up on ourselves in some way. We each have the child’s desire to avoid the hard work of growing up by fusing with someone else who will kiss the boo-boos on our knees the way Mommy should have when we were three, and who will take over our problem areas and do them for us.

But we’re not three anymore, and we don’t need Mommy to kiss our boo-boos and take over and do it for us. What we need is to experience our own feelings of strength, and the competence that comes in finding out we can do it ourselves. Rory and I need to do whatever it is we want to do on our own, without somebody super-competent in worldly affairs like Chi there to take over for us in case we can’t. Chi needs to esteem himself appropriately on his own, instead of martyring himself to someone else so we’ll keep telling him he’s okay.

(It doesn’t matter WTF we say anyhow. He doesn’t believe it anyway. His believer is broken, and nobody can fix that but him, under the guidance of a competent therapist.)

Everybody in the triangle needs to grow, heal, and develop so they feel okay on their own, standing as separate people, and don’t smother their significant other, in the event that they do have someone.  I can look back over the past four years, and the entries in this blog, and I think I’ve done most of my work and am about there.

What I saw two and a half years ago was Chi waking up and realizing he needs to get there, because maintaining this infantile fusion state with other people has costs. Yes, they love him, but they don’t love who he really is, because he’s too scared to show them anything they won’t love. So he’s kept the parts of who he really is that will disappoint anyone under wraps, and acted and pretended to be who others wanted and only who others wanted, for forty years. It hurts to be someone else and not yourself all the time, and two and a half years ago Chi noticed it was getting more and more and more and more painful. Especially when you’re with ANOTHER person who also wants fusion because she doesn’t want to grow up, either, and that person’s need for fusion manifests as caustically as Rory’s.

Here’s the sad thing. Looking down the road at Chi’s transits from about 2023 on, if he doesn’t complete growing up emotionally within the next seven years, and he gets paired with someone weaker than Rory, he starts acting just like her! Demanding emotional fusion and caretaking from his next partner—only in a sullen, whiny, needy, complaining way that’s childishly, babyishly demanding and drives his next partner away.

So:

Seeing that this is the problem for all three people—this fear of how tough the world is, that we’re in some way not good enough, that we’ll never be good enough to be loved or to competently take care of ourselves, so we think we need someone else to be Mommy and do it all for us—obviously, growing out of it is good. We all need to grow out of unhealthy Neptune into mature adult beings.

But, there’s only one right way. And, for anyone contemplating an affair out there, that is: Your ASS in the therapy chair—with somebody COMPETENT—finding out what went wrong in your particular childhood. Reading the books, watching the videos, keeping the journal, suffering the pain of remembering what happened to you, crying the tears, listening to what your therapist tells you and doing as you are asked.

That’s what I’ve done the past two and a half years, and that is the process you see reflected in this blog.

Not that that’s the only way to do it. There is another way, and it sounds something like this:

I feel stifled in my relationship. I feel unhappy. This person is treating me badly. I find another person who treats me better. (What’s talking here: the need for growth, the need for health, the need to develop oneself as a whole person.)

But when I try to leave—! Uh, uh-oh, but my son said this. Uh, uh-oh, but my daughter said that. Uh, uh-oh, but my cousin just WON’T approve! Oh, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, but everybody is looking at me funny! Oh, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, but Rory just showed me real emotion (for five minutes out of the past twenty years) and she was angry and she said everything was allmyfaultandI’mabadguy! (What’s speaking up and talking here: Unhealed, unhealthy needs for approval; unhealed, unhealthy needs for fusion with other people.)

So what happens? The person runs to the second partner, feels unlovable for doing something so bad, then runs back to the first one and feels unloved again. Back to Number Two, feels unlovable and bad, back to Number One, feels unloved. Ping-ping-ping-ping-ping! like a pinball in an arcade machine. And unfortunately, in our case, it’s pretty clear that THIS triangle can become stable, last a miserable seven years, and destroy ANYONE’S chances of getting well.

Folks, THIS is why the right things are right. THIS is why we don’t have affairs. THIS is why the better way is working in the therapist’s office to grow ourselves up in a careful, compassionate, thoughtful way. THEN we can decide which relationship is right for us and why, and we can carry that out with a minimum of back-and-forth trauma to everyone. Because when we’re weak, scared, and afraid to do that work, look at what happens. If we just give up the ping-ponging and sit ourselves down in the therapy office and do some damn work on our damn childhood, we can see it if we’re being slaughtered in our primary relationship and we really have to leave someone, and we can do it in a growth-promoting way, with as little damage to ourselves and other people as humanly possible.

And this is why all three charts in my case are in perfect agreement that a stable triangle starts in the next month and wreaks TERRIBLE havoc, and why I’m getting all this advice no matter what oracle I consult, NOT to enter it. Why the tarot says that right about now, either ORDERLY STEPS are taken to SOLVE THE PROBLEM or an unhappy family situation ensues, and the person who decides that outcome is the most feminine knight in the deck, riding slowly and carefully along: ME.

I have to put my foot down and not allow this person to run from pain and try to solve his childhood wounding in a way that won’t solve it: an affair.

All I can say is, thank fuck for all that Saturn I wrote about earlier, all those difficult circumstances that made my life hell for so long. At every horrible mess I fell into, I always wished I had had access to all the facts BEFORE I made the decision to do something, because if I had, I would never have made the choice that I did.

Well, now, thanks to that horrible childhood that made me read all that psychology, and those enchanting four months, the loss of which drove me to astrology, I had the capacity to do the work to see all this ahead of time, so I can heal the right way and insist that others do, too. If I didn’t know then what I know now, I’d be so scared of losing Chi again that I’d hang on and refuse to let go this time.

When the truth is, if he will not get himself into the therapy chair and heal from his childhood at the hands of alcoholic and woefully incompetent parents, he will always live his life dishonestly, and he’ll never have a relationship that does not end in disaster.

And it’s important that both he, and I, know that.

And now that I DO know that, there is NO EXCUSE for ANY unhealthful behavior on my part over the coming months. (Should the occasion, in fact, arise.)

Folks, there really is only one right way.

Go to therapy, not your affair.