FUTURE
2017 is here. In my horoscopes, it coincides with the entry of a very difficult relationship into my life. One that sounds suspiciously like the one that left in 2015. It could be anybody, but when I look at Chi's horoscopes, they are showing me the same thing at the same time, from the other side of the fence.
At first, I was happy!
And then I went, Now I'm expecting this, and fall will roll around and it hasn't happened. And I'll be dejected.
Then I went a little bit further. Apparently, in whatever dysfunctional relationship that's supposed to present itself--and yes, it's two girls and one guy--in a few years, I win.
And it's a disaster.
He's disappointed with me. I'm not what he expected. And I am the recipient of some very unsettling behavior *I* never expected.
Reality sets in, and in this case it truly does bite.
I didn't know WHAT to make of all this. I've known Chi for almost twenty years! He isn't like this!!
And then I just happened to stumble upon a video by the Fabulous Jerry Wise of Family Tree Counseling, about "Being Married to an ACoA." Halfway through the video, the horoscopes all made sense.
NOW I see why the horoscopes look so bad.
He has mood problems I don't expect, more than likely occasioned by PTSD-type reactions to things in the present that seem like things that happened in his childhood, and I don't know what's going on. I enter the relationship believing that now that he's FINALLY left Rory, everything will be hunky-dory--and then I get hit with these, possibly intractable, mood disorder-type problems, and I don't know what hit me. And I'm determined to stay with him, because I've promised myself and him that he's my whole life and I love him forever and ever and he's the only one for me, and now I'm all enmeshed and he's all enmeshed and the problems don't get addressed properly, and I'm not taking care of myself.
I MUST NOT grab an arm and pull if he shows up again with Rory still on his other arm.
IF I DO, I damage him irreparably, and I'm only doing it because I'm damaged myself. Because I'm soooo attached to my initial fantasy of him that I can't move on. Because I can't see any other way to be happy in my life and I'm depending on him to "make" me happy.
If you ask my charts, anyway, I wear Rory down and get him, but I'll still be so obsessed with him "making" my life and me being able to think of myself as a hero for it; and he'll be so destroyed by the seven years of angsting and back-and-forthing, instead of being in treatment, that he won't get well.
And it all ends in hell and disaster.
So, what needs to happen is: If he melts down suddenly and comes back. I'll say no. I'll have to tell him all this. And he'll go back to Rory, and either it will be so bad he'll leave her, or he'll make the compromise to stay whether he is or isn't happy.
And I have NO timeline as to how THAT will go, so I'll need to assume I've seen him for the last time and just move on with my life. It's entirely possible we never see each other again.
Unless he surprises me, which I doubt. If he does, I have a guidebook for the rest of the relationship. And I know I can't be there unless both of us are much, much healthier.
WHEN I refuse to take an arm and pull, whatever outcome happens, just happens sooner. He'll see Rory is a mess and leave sooner than seven years, or I'll meet someone else sooner, and that will turn out to be the right relationship.
If he comes back this year, all it really means is I get a do-over...a chance to DO THE RIGHT THING this time, send him back to his marriage, and walk away. I have that job to do, and if he shows up again, it's my responsibility to do that job to the best of my ability, then see what my next assignment is, him or someone else.
***
But it may very well be that my assignment really is to just spend the rest of my life alone. I'm forty-eight, and I'm getting fat and losing my hair. I don't meet many--make that ANY--people who even look remotely suitable. Ever.
So let's just get on with spending the rest of my life alone.
***
The whole reason I did this is I'm afraid of being alone. I was left alone emotionally my whole life, with an emotionally unstable mother who turned me into a mini-her and cruel schoolmates who made me feel like dogshit. So I envisioned a beautiful life where everything would one day be perfect and make it all up to me, where I would be vindicated as a better person than all those who had wounded me and treated me so terribly, and where I would finally find the love and the good relationships I had always needed.
But I got older, and life wasn't working out that way. I was having problems in my career, and I was terrified of being unemployable and homeless. When Simon came along, it looked like my dream was finally coming true!
And part of it did. I really did have that supportive, perfect-enough, happy, wonderful, loving relationship, but other things didn't go right in the world. I got stuck with the care of two mentally ill, handicapped people. We didn't have much money. And then cancer happened, and my Simon died and left me.
And I was still convinced I couldn't make it in the world alone, and I was still scared of being alone.
And all that got dumped onto Chi.
Poor Chi.
If the relationship ever happens again, it needs to be two people committed to honesty and becoming healthy, not two people committed to achieving fantasies of perfect meeting of needs. That's not the real world. Either we're two authentic people committing to growing and working on health--while also enjoying life--or I need another relationship that works like that.
And if I don't find one, then I'm alone.
There's no point being scared. Unless you die first, someday you're going to be all alone no matter what. Just like I am now.
It may be that I am only with him for as long as it takes to learn this lesson, and once I've learned it, he's gone and I never see him again. My horoscopes only look as awful for as long as they do because I originally intended to take my entire lifetime to learn this lesson.
(Boy, is THAT a frightening thought.)
I'd SO much rather than he can get well and I can get well, and we link hands and choose to get well together. Assuming Rory doesn't wake up and do this sooner. (She's not healthy, either.)
Guess we'll find out.
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