I Will Accept It If

FUTURE

So I’m listening to Jerry Wise talk about the stuckness of the marriage after the affair. 

After the affair, the betrayed spouse remains permanently in a tizzy. “What happened? Why did it happen? Will he ever do it again? Who’s that texting him on his phone? I’m going to make him let me into his email and I’m going to read it all before he reads it. Oh, no, he’s going to hurt me again. When will that be?” and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Not that they don’t have reason to worry. If you’re Rory and you don’t stop behaving the way I’ve described in this blog, you are creating in your partner active unhappiness and the desire to get away from you.

And if you’re a guy like Chi, and you had an affair out of extreme codependency and the inability to talk up, be heard, and fight for your needs in the relationship so your end of the seesaw doesn’t end up all the way in China somewhere, chances are high that you are going to repeat the same thing in the next relationship, should you somehow manage to get yourself out of this one.

Which gives both the betrayed spouse and the affair partner pause. It doesn’t matter WHO gets him, or if neither gets him and some unknown third party ends up with him down the line. This is a codependent person who will bury himself in untold misery and have an affair before he tells you anything.

If he leaves “her” and you’re the new wife, how the fuck do you live with:  “What happened? Why did it happen? Will he ever do it again? Who’s that texting him on his phone? I’m going to make him let me into his email and I’m going to read it all before he reads it. Oh, no, he’s going to hurt me again. When will that be?” and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

For that matter, if he stays with you and you’re the OLD wife, how the fuck do you live with:  “What happened? Why did it happen? Will he ever do it again? Who’s that texting him on his phone? I’m going to make him let me into his email and I’m going to read it all before he reads it. Oh, no, he’s going to hurt me again. When will that be?” and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So you adore the guy and you still want to be with him.

Daunting, isn’t it?

How would I live with that?

That’s when I understood: This kind of situation, should you elect NOT to pass this one by and wait on the next car, requires a very distinct and solid fortitude. You have to be able to say, “I knew this, and I chose this anyway because I loved him and I wanted to give it every chance. I knew the risks. I also know that if worse comes to worst, I can and will just pass it by gracefully and live the rest of my life peacefully all alone. I thought it was worth it to me to take the chance, I took it, and this is how it turned out. Now I’m going to do this, this, and this, and this will be my new life all by myself. And there’s no upset, there’s no devastation, there’s no make-wrong, because I saw this with cool eyes and a cool head, this was one of the outcomes, and now it’s the outcome I’m in.”

I’d NEVER have had to do that with Simon, because Simon was a whole different animal. He’d have stood toe to toe with me forever, fighting like a tiger for what he wanted me to give him in the relationship, but he would NEVER have cheated. (I had other problems with him.) 

Chi will cheat rather than fight. It’s called, Codependency and Low Self-Esteem, and it’s raised and trained in. Obviously I’d require that both of us be in treatment for the rest of our lives, but that may fail. I’d have to totally adopt that credo up there if by some chance I ever married this guy. 

So then I thought, Why don’t I just do that now? If I’m so sure I can do it then, what’s the matter with now? Why am I so sure I can do it then when I’ve spent the last two years completely devastated after having him in my life only four months?

Neil Strauss has written this wonderful book, The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships. In it he describes his years-long recovery from sex addiction (and some very raunchy and damn near fatal episodes.) Near the end, he finds himself longing for his one true love, whom he left behind after cheating on her, because he wanted to try an open relationship and she didn’t. He’s understandably nervous about crawling back to her and begging her forgiveness, and anticipating how horrible it will be if she says no and he has to face the fact that he’s lost her forever.

Strauss writes,

     Accept what is.

     With one army vanquished, the next attacks, the terror of self-doubt. What if this is how I sound     when I see Ingrid? What if Ingrid thinks exactly what I’m thinking right now? What if she’s right? 

     What if…Today I will expunge those two words from my vocabulary and replace them with, I will accept it if.  

     I will accept it if this is how I sound when I see Ingrid. I will accept it if Ingrid thinks exactly what I’m thinking right now. I will accept it if she’s right.

And I will accept it if this guy leaves me for someone else.

He’s already left me to go back to Rory. It’s already happened. Two years ago. If I can’t accept it now, I surely won’t be able to at any other time in my/his/our/anyone else’s short time on this earth.

And if you can’t accept it, do not allow it back into your life.

And the KEY to accepting it is turning, I’m just going to die if he cheats on me again, it will tear me to shreds, into, I am strong enough to get through it and I know I will be okay.

And if you’re the wife, this same stance might also be useful for you.

And, yo! 

If you’re the codependent, get yourself into individual therapy with the goal of developing a solid core of self-esteem and childhood trauma recovery so that you don’t do this again to yourself or to anyone else.