Codependency Runs the World (Or, at Least, MY World.)

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I saw my middle stepson recently. I also purchased The Everything Guide to Codependency. I thought I was just reading Reasons To Stay The Fuck Away From Chi Unless And Until He Applies Himself In Codependency Therapy And Is Legally Divorced, but I also saw two other things, especially after seeing my middle stepson.


One, that boy has serious problems, and blames his dad, my late husband, for EVERYTHING. It really is something else to hear him talk about a family life that apparently was absolutely HORRIBLE, and bears very little resemblance to the guy I fell in love with, married, and spent my happiest years with. I already knew Simon's first wife was diagnosed with BPD. But, I also know that BPDs often pair off with extremely controlling people, including narcissists. In reading TEGTC, I can see how the narcissistic traits can come from codependency. I know Simon's father left the family when he was very young, and the mom, the older sister, and Simon all had to work as soon as the kids were old enough to get jobs. Simon used to joke about having enough money meaning the lights and the water were both on at the same time. And apparently he was a drinker and a compulsive gambler in his other life. In things he said about his background, it was clear that he was working EXTREMELY hard at a very young age. And you can see in his books, how his family was supposed to reflect back to him a perfect view of himself. His son says that, too, and he didn't even read his dad's last book. He said they made him mad. (I used to tell Simon they'd sell better if the main characters had a little deeper and more defined imperfections. And he was sort of getting there in the new series he had started.)


I think his life task was overcoming the narcissism. He had traces of it with me, but NOTHING like he had in his first family. I seem to be attracted to codependent men, and they seem to be attracted to me. My boyfriend before Simon had these tendencies, too. By the same token, Chi seems to be attracted to women whose fathers died when they were very young, leaving their overwhelmed mothers to manage multiple young children alone. The difference between Rory and me is that Rory's mother was high-functioning (held a job outside the home, etc.) and Rory turned out low-functioning (doesn't know her own feelings, only works one day a week, sickly and dependent on Chi for everything); and my mother was low-functioning and I turned out the opposite. Interesting.


It seems as if, all my life, people come to me when they're ready to do better. Look at my grandparents. They royally screwed up raising my mother and her brother and sister. Both girls were seriously psychologically messed up, and I know my uncle had his problems, too. My grandfather even knocked my brother around some when he was little. (When no one else was present; I didn't even know about it until we were grown.) But my grandparents treated me the way my mother should have. I think they are a big reason I have been able to make the strides that I did and why I've been able to make steady progress in my life. I hear the stories and think I must have had a charmed life: "Am I the *only* person these people didn't hit or molest??"


And Simon was a way different person with me than he was in his first family, too. I'll never forget him in the bathroom, barely able to stand up, wiping pee off the toilet rim while trying not to fall down in the last days of his life--something I had been begging him to do since he moved in. I had to stop him and tell him he didn't need to do that anymore. One of the things he said to me was, "I haven't been much help to you, have I?" in the last months of his illness. Interesting.


Out of all the people Chi could have picked to have a "flirtation" with, he picked me. Somebody committed to wellness. He must have actually considered getting well at some point.


BUT HE NEVER WILL IF I'M STILL CODEPENDENT MYSELF. (Neither, for that matter, will I.)


It's as if the relationship with Simon was a sort of cosmic break. "Okay," said the Universe. "You've been having too tough a time, here, and if we don't throw you one, you're never going to make it. So here's this 'easy' relationship, where the bumps on your head fit the holes in his, you're aimed the same way in life together, you've got the love he needs and he's got the humor, fun, and optimism you need, and all your interests are the same and you'll be best friends...juuuust long enough for you to gain some confidence in yourself and your ability to get along in the world alone, and then, we're taking him away and we now return you to your regularly scheduled program...


CODEPENDENCY! Now, here's the weakest, sickest codependent you could ever find, so you can go back and fix the last few codependency problems you got from Mom. 'Cause they NEVER would have shown up with Simon, and you thought you were fine!


Muahahahaha!!!"

Oh, that Universe. What a tricky little fucker.

I'm studying hard. I thought I had all the reasons I need to stand firm if the person in question does, in fact, make a reappearance as scheduled. Nope. Didn't have them all. I sort of feel like I'm taking a final exam.

Maybe this is one reason I'm all alone and can't seem to find the right people. Life doesn't always give us what we need. Especially when we're old, many, many, many, many people find themselves all alone. It's sort of like being a hermit in the wilderness or something. If you can't survive on your own, you may be a codependent. I'll need to be able to do that very, very well, or else I'll just fall prey again to Chi or any other codependent male who happens down the pike. Or, if Chi could otherwise do better, I'll be the one who messes him up!

I'm learning a lot about codependency I never knew before. People think if they've read Melody Beattie they know it all, but, um, no. That isn't the case.

If there's Some Great Fate that's assigned me and Chi to each other, only we have the choice to Do It Poorly, or to Do It Well, I need to know this stuff. If he's never going to get well and I Need To Run For My Life, I need to know this stuff. If I Just Go And Pick Out Another One, I definitely need to know this stuff.

Life was a lot happier four years ago. But if Simon had lived, I never would have progressed in the curriculum, here. That aspect of life really, really blows some stinky, green CHUNKS.

I hope wherever he is, Simon knows I'm thankful for who and what he was in my life.

@ Chi: Are you ready to progress in the curriculum, here? 'Cause if you're not, we need to never see each other again.

That would be a sad waste.

But I can't change that.

That would be codependent.