Present
I think Chi is showing me:
1.) where my self esteem still needs healing, and
2.) that I'm really, really, really, really needy. And that isn't good.
Why do I think all of this?
1.) When the astrologer told me Chi was "activating my house of self esteem," I assumed that was good. He thought I was beautiful, sexy, loved how well we communicated, and told me the night he broke up with me that I "had set the bar high."
Never did I think that he might be "activating my house of self esteem" in a BAD way--showing me what was still wrong with it! I thought, I had a great marriage with Simon! therefore I am capable of one, so nothing is wrong with me.
Maybe not. I was writing in my journal the other night, noticing that one reason I'd feel pulled to resume an affair with Chi is that I feel a great need to prove I'm a worthier choice than Rory, when I remembered a couple of things.
The whole reason this started in the first place is, the night I decided to tell Chi how I felt, I had a stack of reasons not to on one hand, and a stack of reasons to tell him on the other.
The thing that broke the tie was that CHI KNEW ME. He saw me with Simon for eleven years; he KNOWS I'm excellent, quality material, and that I treat any man I'm with very, very well. And I know he knows this.
I chose to tell him how I felt that night because he was telling me he felt repulsive to women and unlovable. I knew if it was ME telling him that he wasn't, that I in fact adored him: HE'D BELIEVE ME. And I was as good to Simon as I know how to be, and everyone who knew me and Simon (including Simon) agreed that that was considerable.
I remembered that I DO NOT HAVE TO PROVE TO HIM THAT I'M GOOD ENOUGH TO LEAVE RORY FOR.
He knows that already, and this is not in doubt. I can't offer any better proof of that than I already have.
So, any waffling about taking him back someday is unnecessary. I have already proven to him that I am pure gold, and there is no need to demean myself to prove that any further.
He knows what's over here.
That really made me feel a whole lot better. I felt better for two whole days.
Until I remembered this picture I saw online. It occasioned a comment from one of Chi's friends about a possible mid-life crisis, and Chi's reply was something about having gotten over that. Smiley-face emoji.
I felt punched in the gut when I saw it. (Everybody knows what most men do during their "mid-life crisis." And, in Chi's case, I was it.)
Now I remembered that "mid-life crisis" comment and felt punched in the gut again. Every time I thought of it.
I had to wonder where that came from. Why should I care so much if this person has written off the best I had to give him as nothing more than a "mid-life mistake?"
Apparently, I care very, very much about what this man thinks of me.
I love him very much. And when I receive evidence that he thinks I am not valuable, trash, a mistake, throwaway crap, it really, really, really, really hurts.
It hurts as much as when my stupid mother would start screaming at me about grades that weren't high enough, calling me lazy or something when the truth was that pre-algebra was just damn hard and I didn't quite get it. One time I was sitting there during a screaming match like this--she was angry because some other child had gotten a better grade than me, and I retorted that that child's mother was a teacher at that school--and all of a sudden my face stung. Really hurt. And I was like: What the hell was that?
Until I happened to look over a few minutes later and see the plastic comb she had been combing her wet hair with lying on the floor. She had thrown that comb and hit me in the face with it! And then got angry with me a few days later when my grandfather asked me how I got that bruise on my face and I didn't lie for her. (I didn't tell what she did, I just didn't say anything.)
During episodes like that, when my parents would scream and yell at me over things like this, I would start to cry because I was so upset. And then my mother would say, "Look at her, crying. She's just trying to manipulate us and get out of trouble."
And that would make me cry even harder, because it hurt so damn much. Here I was, so hurt and upset by the things they were saying to me, so upset that they thought so badly of me, and then they misread me so badly and I couldn't do anything at all about it. Nothing I could have said would have helped. They had me pegged as a bad, mean, manipulative, hateful little child, when I just wanted them to love me and I was trying so hard to be good.
And that is exactly how ripped apart I felt reading those words, "I'm well past that," with a smiley face. The very same punch to the gut.
As if Chi was doing the same thing to me and feeling the same way about me, that I had just been manipulative and mean, and that I was worthless, not worth caring about. That the best I had looked like trash to him, just like it looked like trash to my parents. When I loved them, I really was having trouble in math and I was not lazy, and I was trying so hard to be the best child I could be. To have that called something terrible and not have who I really was recognized at all, and then be treated so cruelly and meanly on top of that, is a horrible, horrible experience.
And this experience felt to me exactly like that one. And that's why it is still upsetting me, even though I know I have shown this man that I am pure gold and that when I love a man, I do a pretty good damn job.
It feels horrible to be so misunderstood, and to be called cruel names, when you gave the best that you had to someone you love.
But worse, here, is that some of it is true. I loved Chi, and I did all I could to show him who he really is--a person supremely worthy of being loved.
But I was selfish, too. I WAS trying to hook someone into taking care of me. I WAS afraid I couldn't manage in the world by myself, especially financially, and part of it was that I WAS trying to hook him into taking care of me. And, yup, he had every right to be angry and upset about that.
If he wanted to call me trash on that account, and put me down as nothing more than a mid-life crisis, well, he'd be well within his rights on that front. The affair wasn't ALL that, not by a long shot, but it was about 15% that. I was scared of being all alone to take care of myself financially for the rest of my life. I wasn't doing well enough at work then to do that. And now I had no one to fall back on.
And I actually remember thinking, early, before it all started, that he obviously was someone who could be easily strongarmed into taking financial responsibility for a woman, and God knows I'd offer him a HELL of a lot more help--a HELL of a lot more, period--and treat him a HELL of a lot better, than Rory.
I just wanted some damned HELP and support in my life, a real helpmate, instead of ending up struggling on my own all the time to take care of myself and a bunch of old, sick, feeble, dying people.
White Knight shit. (So-called after the book, White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from the Need to Rescue Others, by Marilyn Krieger and Mary C. Lamia.) Sometimes part of White Knight Rescuing really IS self serving. And on some level, Chi knew that. One of the best pieces of advice I've ever seen about Neptune (and Chi is heavy on the Neptune) is this:
The answer lies in an aspect of Neptune that provides the key to really understanding it. Neptune is a totally selfless energy, not readily harnessed to the demands of the human ego. If you have a strong ego-wish that something be a certain way, Neptune's involvement becomes dangerous. The more your ego needs to enforce a situation, the more Neptune will delude you about it.
I think Chi is showing me:
1.) where my self esteem still needs healing, and
2.) that I'm really, really, really, really needy. And that isn't good.
Why do I think all of this?
1.) When the astrologer told me Chi was "activating my house of self esteem," I assumed that was good. He thought I was beautiful, sexy, loved how well we communicated, and told me the night he broke up with me that I "had set the bar high."
Never did I think that he might be "activating my house of self esteem" in a BAD way--showing me what was still wrong with it! I thought, I had a great marriage with Simon! therefore I am capable of one, so nothing is wrong with me.
Maybe not. I was writing in my journal the other night, noticing that one reason I'd feel pulled to resume an affair with Chi is that I feel a great need to prove I'm a worthier choice than Rory, when I remembered a couple of things.
The whole reason this started in the first place is, the night I decided to tell Chi how I felt, I had a stack of reasons not to on one hand, and a stack of reasons to tell him on the other.
The thing that broke the tie was that CHI KNEW ME. He saw me with Simon for eleven years; he KNOWS I'm excellent, quality material, and that I treat any man I'm with very, very well. And I know he knows this.
I chose to tell him how I felt that night because he was telling me he felt repulsive to women and unlovable. I knew if it was ME telling him that he wasn't, that I in fact adored him: HE'D BELIEVE ME. And I was as good to Simon as I know how to be, and everyone who knew me and Simon (including Simon) agreed that that was considerable.
I remembered that I DO NOT HAVE TO PROVE TO HIM THAT I'M GOOD ENOUGH TO LEAVE RORY FOR.
He knows that already, and this is not in doubt. I can't offer any better proof of that than I already have.
So, any waffling about taking him back someday is unnecessary. I have already proven to him that I am pure gold, and there is no need to demean myself to prove that any further.
He knows what's over here.
That really made me feel a whole lot better. I felt better for two whole days.
Until I remembered this picture I saw online. It occasioned a comment from one of Chi's friends about a possible mid-life crisis, and Chi's reply was something about having gotten over that. Smiley-face emoji.
I felt punched in the gut when I saw it. (Everybody knows what most men do during their "mid-life crisis." And, in Chi's case, I was it.)
Now I remembered that "mid-life crisis" comment and felt punched in the gut again. Every time I thought of it.
I had to wonder where that came from. Why should I care so much if this person has written off the best I had to give him as nothing more than a "mid-life mistake?"
Apparently, I care very, very much about what this man thinks of me.
I love him very much. And when I receive evidence that he thinks I am not valuable, trash, a mistake, throwaway crap, it really, really, really, really hurts.
It hurts as much as when my stupid mother would start screaming at me about grades that weren't high enough, calling me lazy or something when the truth was that pre-algebra was just damn hard and I didn't quite get it. One time I was sitting there during a screaming match like this--she was angry because some other child had gotten a better grade than me, and I retorted that that child's mother was a teacher at that school--and all of a sudden my face stung. Really hurt. And I was like: What the hell was that?
Until I happened to look over a few minutes later and see the plastic comb she had been combing her wet hair with lying on the floor. She had thrown that comb and hit me in the face with it! And then got angry with me a few days later when my grandfather asked me how I got that bruise on my face and I didn't lie for her. (I didn't tell what she did, I just didn't say anything.)
During episodes like that, when my parents would scream and yell at me over things like this, I would start to cry because I was so upset. And then my mother would say, "Look at her, crying. She's just trying to manipulate us and get out of trouble."
And that would make me cry even harder, because it hurt so damn much. Here I was, so hurt and upset by the things they were saying to me, so upset that they thought so badly of me, and then they misread me so badly and I couldn't do anything at all about it. Nothing I could have said would have helped. They had me pegged as a bad, mean, manipulative, hateful little child, when I just wanted them to love me and I was trying so hard to be good.
And that is exactly how ripped apart I felt reading those words, "I'm well past that," with a smiley face. The very same punch to the gut.
As if Chi was doing the same thing to me and feeling the same way about me, that I had just been manipulative and mean, and that I was worthless, not worth caring about. That the best I had looked like trash to him, just like it looked like trash to my parents. When I loved them, I really was having trouble in math and I was not lazy, and I was trying so hard to be the best child I could be. To have that called something terrible and not have who I really was recognized at all, and then be treated so cruelly and meanly on top of that, is a horrible, horrible experience.
And this experience felt to me exactly like that one. And that's why it is still upsetting me, even though I know I have shown this man that I am pure gold and that when I love a man, I do a pretty good damn job.
It feels horrible to be so misunderstood, and to be called cruel names, when you gave the best that you had to someone you love.
But worse, here, is that some of it is true. I loved Chi, and I did all I could to show him who he really is--a person supremely worthy of being loved.
But I was selfish, too. I WAS trying to hook someone into taking care of me. I WAS afraid I couldn't manage in the world by myself, especially financially, and part of it was that I WAS trying to hook him into taking care of me. And, yup, he had every right to be angry and upset about that.
If he wanted to call me trash on that account, and put me down as nothing more than a mid-life crisis, well, he'd be well within his rights on that front. The affair wasn't ALL that, not by a long shot, but it was about 15% that. I was scared of being all alone to take care of myself financially for the rest of my life. I wasn't doing well enough at work then to do that. And now I had no one to fall back on.
And I actually remember thinking, early, before it all started, that he obviously was someone who could be easily strongarmed into taking financial responsibility for a woman, and God knows I'd offer him a HELL of a lot more help--a HELL of a lot more, period--and treat him a HELL of a lot better, than Rory.
I just wanted some damned HELP and support in my life, a real helpmate, instead of ending up struggling on my own all the time to take care of myself and a bunch of old, sick, feeble, dying people.
White Knight shit. (So-called after the book, White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from the Need to Rescue Others, by Marilyn Krieger and Mary C. Lamia.) Sometimes part of White Knight Rescuing really IS self serving. And on some level, Chi knew that. One of the best pieces of advice I've ever seen about Neptune (and Chi is heavy on the Neptune) is this:
The answer lies in an aspect of Neptune that provides the key to really understanding it. Neptune is a totally selfless energy, not readily harnessed to the demands of the human ego. If you have a strong ego-wish that something be a certain way, Neptune's involvement becomes dangerous. The more your ego needs to enforce a situation, the more Neptune will delude you about it.
This is ACoA stuff. Chi is so exquisitely sensitive to what others want from him in a relationship that if he wants the caring and the love from you, he just sniffs your dream out and presents you with it--voila! And he even deludes himself.
How many years had I been hearing how fascinating a certain hobby of his was, only to be hearing now that his heart really wasn't in it, he really wanted to pursue other activities, and he just got into this other hobby in order to get through gatherings of hundreds of people when he was such an introvert and really didn't enjoy it. He was just doing it because of Rory and the kids.
Here he was asking me how I felt about moving in together and sharing expenses, or him moving upstairs and helping me with expenses anyway even if he wasn't living in my space! At the time, I was shocked. (And happy.)
And now I'm just ashamed of myself. I am doing fine at work. I can take care of myself. I never, ever needed to manipulate or ask this of him.
Yep, on this front, I AM a bad decision, and a "mid-life crisis," too! Rory may have lived in that house in a very lopsided situation regarding who does the most work and contributes the most to keep their life going, but she was the stay at home WIFE who raised the kids and that was the dynamic they agreed on.
I was just the interloper Jezebel. And a calculating, selfish one at that.
So, it's both things. I react to Chi's opinion of me just like he's my family members--the threat of whose shaming kept me in professional school even though I knew I wasn't going to be happy--and I'm ashamed of myself for being selfish. For USING HIM. When I was very, very angry with Rory about the same thing.
I would like to know what to do about this leftover parental shame. I know how they treated me was bad, and that I don't deserve it. Why does this keep cropping up? How do I get rid of it?
I never had to deal with it with Simon, because it never came up. With Chi...it's coming up. Along with the White Knight shit.
(And that's exactly what that is. Shit.)
I'd like to figure out how to root these things out of my personality. They are causing me trouble.
I guess here's where I have to ask for advice, since most of the time I can figure it out. This time I am having a bit of trouble.
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