WHY does the truly nice person cheat?

FUTURE

Currently, this person is incapable of treating me well.

Currently, this person is incapable of treating me well.

CURRENTLY, THIS PERSON IS INCAPABLE OF TREATING ME WELL.

Wow.

I’ve known this person almost twenty years at the time of this writing, and this is the first time I’ve ever been able to see this BIG FACT clearly.

This person, furthermore, is incapable of treating ANYONE well, at least in an intimate couple relationship.

The first time I scribbled myself this note, as I often scribble down ideas for this blog, I went on about how I didn’t know why I didn’t see this before.

Now I do.

I didn’t know this before because I didn’t know that he was an adult child of an alcoholic. And when I did discover that, I didn’t realize his ACoA problems were this bad.

When I first met Chi, I didn’t hear anything that didn’t mesh with my ideal of what I wanted and needed in a man. He was the sweetest, the nicest, the most darling man. That was what wrung my heart over how unhappy he was. If he'd been a rat, hitting on me, I would have said, "Yuck!" and run the other way. But he wasn't. He was handsome, he was funny, he was ADORABLE. I couldn't for the life of me understand why his wife was acting like such an ASS.

He was unhappy at having a wife who didn’t pull her own weight. Therefore, I concluded, and correctly, I still assume, that he will be a person who will pay his share, do his share. I’ve been so tired in my life of struggling to do everything by myself, and I have had some pretty bad situations dumped on me to handle just about all by myself. I heard tales of a wife who, yes, appeared to be quite a slacker, and when I began a closer relationship with Chi and heard more, I was absolutely appalled at some of the behavior I heard about.

But. What I wasn’t seeing was his complete inability to do the most important, the most important, the most important thing in any relationship: Be himself, and promptly, clearly, and consistently tell the truth about who he is, how he feels, and what he wants.And have a little fucking self esteem of his own that isn't dependent on having someone else bolstering and bolstering and holding him up all the time, moment to moment to moment.

This part, was hiding.

It was hiding behind Rory’s behavior. When you try and try to tell your truth to someone, and that person bites your head off, finds something you feel insecure about and attacks you with it, puts you down and embarrasses you in public, cuts off communication, won’t snuggle, and cuts off the sex, and you don’t feel great about yourself anyway—and you don’t want to leave and hurt your kids—you’re going to just stop talking to the person.

It looked like it was all Rory’s fault.

Especially when he could tell me things he’d never told anyone else EVER. When you see that, you think, It’s her. All he needs is a change of partner. And I’m wayyy better at this communication stuff than she is, so Problem Solved.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

What I didn’t see was such low, low self esteem that this person won’t tell his truth to anyone who gets too close. Because he thinks he’s such a subpar romantic partner that if he disappoints the woman in any way, she won’t love him anymore. All Rory did was get angry for five minutes and blame everything that went wrong in the marriage on him, and she had him back again. Out of guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt. I didn’t hear one thing in that goodbye phone call that sounded like, We really love each other, I can’t leave her, she’s my wife, we’ve found each other again.

I heard guilt. Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt. When, I’m truly sorry to say it, but any idiot could look at the behavior I’d been hearing about for five months and know perfectly well that it was NOT all Chi’s fault. Not by a long shot.

So when I first met him, all the information I was exposed to was all the ways he’d make me a good partner, and during the four months we were in love all I was exposed to was him trusting me and telling me the truth.

I was not exposed to his fear of telling anyone too close the truth until the very end.

While he was with me, he felt good about himself. That made it easier to do the things a non-ACoA person would do: Recognize how deeply painful the relationship was and how it didn’t meet his needs. Notice the hateful way she often acted. Understand that nobody deserves to be treated that way, and make a comparison of how I made him feel vs. how she made him feel. Envision a better life. Know he was worth it.

Until she handed him guilt, and punctured that fragile self esteem again. Bye-bye!

I started out with a picture of him as a much healthier person than he actually was, and I didn’t see any evidence to disprove that until that last phone call.

And my vision’s been clouded still in all the months since.

Clouded by how happy I was. I didn’t want to let go of it.

Clouded by what a terrible thing I did in approaching a married man, and all of society’s mores concerning that. In this society, I am a bitch

                          bitch

bitch

                                                                                 BITCH

                                              BITCH.

So of course I lost him. I am a bitch!

Therefore, it was all my fault.

After all, we all believe the marriage is always best, (unless you’re Hillary and you go back to Bill), and anything that’s not the marriage is therefore bad.

So I beat myself up for several months over that. And I was insecure, and trying to acquire a helpmate in life. User! Manipulative!! So I beat myself up for several months over that. And, of course, all two people in a bad marriage need to do is talk things out, and so I beat myself up several more months over that.

And he’s such a good person. Such a sweet person. He truly is one of the gentlest, kindest souls I have ever, or will ever, meet. He is not a user. He is not a player. He is not a commitmentphobe. He is not a psychopath. He is a dear, darling, smart, sharp, hardworking, fair, sweet, sweet person.

So how can he ever treat anyone badly?

It has taken me an entire year and a half to realize that he will always treat the one closest to him badly, because he’s trying too hard not to!

(Yes, Virginia, you can be too damned sweet.)

When you cannot be honest, you will always,

                                                                                                 always,

                                always,

ALWAYS

hurt the person you love and destroy your relationship,

BECAUSE

you will pretend

                                              and pretend

                                                                     and pretend

                                                                                          and pretend

AND PRETEND

to be what they want until it

HURTS SO BADLY

that you can’t do it anymore.

And, if you are ACoA,

YOU STILL CAN’T STOP PRETENDING.

And that, my friends, is when you start to do things that hurt the other person SO MUCH MORE

than simply TELLING THE TRUTH IN THE FIRST PLACE ever would

that you are a clear and present danger to anyone you are in an intimate relationship with.

If we’d stayed together, this would have applied to me.

I grieved and grieved for a year and a half because I was reacting as if I’d be treated well. And as far as I knew, that was the case. He treated me well for four months. Because we didn’t live together, and he wasn’t afraid of losing me.

I wonder what the odds are that he’s being truthful now. He probably feels so guilty about the affair, and so thankful that the wife who rejected him for twenty years is acting loving again, that he’s doing the whole thing over.

                           AnythingbutdisappointRoryanythingbutdisappointRoryanythingbutdisappointRory

EspeciallyafterthehorriblethingIdid.

If I see him again, it’s because he’s done the whole thing over,

And it hurts too much not to be himself.

It hurts to play someone other than yourself. It really, really hurts.

And WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.

I don't care how Mom and Dad treated you, that doesn't make you bad. There isn't anything wrong with you, and you're supposed to be yourself. If you're not going to be yourself, why have a relationship? If all you want is to play a pleasing role and get your kudos for being other than who you really are, you can go to work and do that. You don't need a girlfriend, husband, or wife. Those are the people who are supposed to know and love THE REAL YOU.



 
Unless and until some people learn that, they will always end up destroying their relationship,

Because they believe it’s good to be someone else, and bad to be themselves

which leads to the WORST BEHAVIOR OF ALL,

which is done OUT OF THE MOST HORRIBLE PAIN.

And this is why Chi is not capable of treating me well. He’s only capable of treating me badly. Because to be dishonest in your intimate relationship is the WORST TREATMENT short of abuse that you can give someone. Because it's a relationship destroyer. It makes your whole relationship FAKE.  And a fake relationship, one in which you can't be yourself, one in which don't get your needs met, is one that's going to have a third party in it pretty darn soon.


But ACoA-ness, codependency, childhood abuse, low self-esteem make you believe that dishonesty is the right thing, because today it makes your partner happy. And this is very difficult to unlearn. Because you believe if anyone knew the real you, they couldn't love you.

This is very sad. But it does make it easier to let go of someone.

And it does make it easier to change your stance toward them to one that will promote health. Before, I was trying to trade love for devotion. “I’ll treat you the way you always wanted to be treated, and in return, you will be…

SO grateful.”

Ugh.

So I'm not talking about the sociopaths. I'm not talking about the commitmentphobes. I'm not talking about the sex addicts, the Anthony Weiners who just CANNOT keep their weiners in their pants.


The truly nice, decent, sweet, loving people who really don't want to hurt anyone? This is why they are having an affair with you.


And it's no substitute for therapy.


It's no substitute for finally learning, waywaywayway deep down, that you are a lovable person.