Present
So, it's the Monday after we last spoke. I'm sitting in our old club meeting.
And I'm thinking, he asked to come. Chi could have been here.
I've missed him every single time I've come here. All that subtle humor that just sneaks up on you and kills you. That handsome, cute face. Those beautiful blue eyes.
And that voice. That crushed velvet voice that always slayed me.
He could have been here. I could be sitting here with him right now. And I said no.
***
I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing the right thing, I'm doing the right thing, I'm doing the right thing, I'm doing the right thing.
I know I'm doing the right thing. (Somebody's got to.)
***
Nobody's going to hold his feet to the fire if I don't. Nobody's going to ask him to deliver his best work if I don't.
The fact is, the same skills he needs to stand up for himself with children and family and get himself out of a bad marriage are the VERY same ones he's going to need to make a good one work.
If he can't develop them even to get himself out of a burning building, he's never going to when the sun is shining and the living is comparatively easy. And codependency and low self esteem will torpedo even the best of relationships founded in the best of intentions.
(That's because, as an ordinary human being, I can't read his mind.)
***
If I let him weasel next to me again, I'm letting him weasel out of ever, ever, ever getting well.
And that outcome is pure disaster.
***
I'm
doing the right thing. I'm doing the right thing, I'm doing the right
thing, I'm doing the right thing, I'm doing the right thing.
I know I'm doing the right thing.
***
This is the part where I say I don't want it; I'm stronger than I've been before.
I don't want an imploding relationship with a codependent who isn't getting well.
Chi: how about getting over this chronic poor doer-ship, and then we don't have to go through this any more?
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