reserve posts--revisit if he shows up.

PAST

(This post is titled as it is because it's actually a compilation of two . I was writing them in September, right after that transit ended during which I expected him to get in touch with me, and he didn't.

I took it down, because it was so obsessive and so focused on divinatory oracles that I sounded like an idiot.

I ask you: is this prescient, or not?? Everything I say here that I saw in cards or in a horoscope, turned out to be the truth.)

But, I expected it last week, so I was upset, considering the possibility that everything really did go great over in Chi-land and the picture really was worth a thousand words. Very sad that it was Rory and not me. And that I’d never see him again. Et cetera. When I should have been happy for them.

The astrology and the cards still tell a different story. Again, either the picture or the cards are right. No way it can be both. 

And, if oracles are random, why do they tell me the same damn thing every time? That’s not random.

According to the cards, things are very bad over there for old Chi, because Rory hasn’t changed a bit.

Of course, I have to do the either-or thing here. Either the picture is correct, or the cards are. If the picture is the truth, I say again they’ve done great work and deserve their success and their happiness. Too fucking bad for me. I need to just go on with my life, forget them, and get over it.

But I noticed something. Clearly depicted in the cards is Chi struggling with a marriage, and a wife, that’s gone right back to the way things were when we first started speaking. He knows he isn’t happy. He knows he’s right back at Square One again. (And I have to say that, looking at the behavior Rory was showing him at the end of May 2015, which he did tell me about, this is SO not surprising. I could have told him it would end up like this. The only reason I didn’t was that self-effacement and self-reproach clearly had jammed their sharp bit between his teeth and were galloping off with him like runaway horses. He acted angry with me; he acted like he wished I’d just disappear, so he wouldn’t have to deal with me. There was no way he’d listen to me, so I didn’t say it. All I could do was caution him to restart individual therapy again while trying to deal with her. Did he do that? Let…me…guess.)

According to the cards, Chi knows he’s in trouble. He knows he needs to do something, but he’s scared and he’s delaying.

If it’s true, and I say again, If it’s true, here’s the interesting thing about that:

The last time this happened, and things broke down so badly in his life that no amount of misuse of Zen Buddhism, television, cleaning, or any other kind of escape could close down the pain, at least he reached out for help. He reached out for help, and he reached out to me.

Now, however, he isn’t. Not that I know about.

Of course, he could be discussing it in therapy…but if therapy were that much help, the picture would be the truth, now, wouldn’t it? After two and a half years??

If the true state of affairs is what the astrology, the cards, and the visits on Linked In suggest, I sure hope he’s reaching out to someone, even if it isn’t me. Because for twenty years prior to that, he endured the same thing, and told no one. Until me.

Now, what kind of person does that?

One who isn’t likely at all to get well, that’s what kind.

One who squelches every thought, every need, every feeling that comes up, before it can even fully form, if he notices that it will conflict with what others around him want from him. One who isn’t honest. One who doesn’t talk about feelings and find out about other’s feelings. One who makes up reasons other people do what they do. One who lives in his own little world and pretends the world it looks like the two of you are sharing is okay, until he can’t pretend anymore, and BLAM!! One who hardly knows his own mind, because he’s trying so hard to make it conform to everyone else’s. And then wonders why he’s unhappy, when the truth is: No one can ever be happy, who’s so determined to become someone other than he is.

One who’s really just a rudimentary, stunted, partial self.  A scared one. A hiding one. A running one. One who doesn’t like himself at all. And it’s sad, because the man is lovely, he truly is. The only thing wrong with him is he doesn’t know there isn’t anything wrong with him. A lovely, lovely person, trapped forever in a house of pain of his own making. (Well. And his parents’.)

If you can’t even fight for yourself when you know you’re in terrible trouble, if you’re just going to sit there and pretend you’re fine and not even reach out for help anymore, you truly are very, very ill.

It’s not the kind of illness one can ever have a relationship with. Because it’s going to hide deep inside the broken, shattered self, tell you nothing, and act and pretend its way to Armageddon.

If things are this bad, chances are he’s going to just stay there with Rory and die in slow, unspoken misery. Or let things get a little bit worse, and then pick someone equally as sick to have an affair with because he still can’t stomach leaving—something he has a transit warning him about this summer.

If things are this bad, oh, well. There’s nothing I can do with a person who won’t speak to me. And if he had enough fight in him to turn the corner here, he’d speak to somebody again if he were this unhappy. If he’s this unhappy and speaking about it to no one…that’s bad, bad news. Bad news.

This is where Rory’s transits are telling her she’s either got it or she doesn’t. She’s either made it, and the picture is true, or she hasn’t and she’s going to reap some consequences. I don’t see any more transits about therapy for her.

This is where the rubber meets the road.

If it’s really this bad, and Chi can do better, this is where he finds the guts to once again speak up, address the situation, figure out what went wrong and how to do better. If he doesn’t speak up to somebody, even if it’s not me…well, that’s a very poor prognosis for him, indeed. This is a really sick person, sicker than he was in 2015. And that’s bad, bad, bad.

And I won’t see him again.

And I’m glad, because a person this sick isn’t workable. I missed him based on a perception of someone, a perception he was showing me for a while, who had the guts and tenacity to grab those self-esteem and self-worth problems and WORK on them. And if he can’t even speak up for himself enough to question what’s wrong and tell someone, ANYone, that he’s in trouble, well…

He's just like my mother. Never going to engage his problems. Never going to get well.

The man is going to be fifty-nine, for Chrissakes. 

The astrology is betting on him. The astrology is betting that he’s going to reach out to someone, and it was going to be me. And it was warning me I’d better have my ducks in a row, or I’d screw up royally and do something very harmful. The astrology is betting on Chi, and it’s never been wrong before.

I’m betting it will be this time. I’m betting he’s either going to just sit there until the misery is so great he ends up in an affair with someone way worse off than I am. Or maybe he’ll tell a therapist, and Chi and Rory will have one more go at it. That whole astrological set piece, Chi and I Love Triangle Phase Two, won’t happen. I’ll be by myself, working on my North Node, and good luck to them.

For their sakes, I hope the picture IS true. All the alternatives aren’t great, frankly. Not without a lot of honesty and very hard work.

At any rate, very soon we’ll know. He’ll speak to me, or he won’t.

And if he doesn’t, I haven’t lost anything.

Really.


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HERE’S where my transits are advising me: INFORMATION ONLY. YOU MAY ADVISE, BUT DO NOT GRAB AT THE RELATIONSHIP. Here’s where Alice Portman told me, “They have to do it themselves, or they don’t learn anything.” Here’s where my natal chart is saying: Self-sufficiency. Neediness Kills.

And here’s where, thanks to all the hard work I’ve done since growing up with a mentally ill mother and getting tossed out into young adulthood a crazy emotional MESS (Ever read Susan Forward’s Obsessive Love? That was me at eighteen), I know exactly what they are talking about, I know exactly why, and I know E-X-A-C-T-L-Y What The Fuck To Do. (Not to mention, exactly what the fuck NOT to do!)
Now I K-N-O-W there’s something more than our rational existence, and I K-N-O-W there’s a reason for the shitty things that happen. I K-N-O-W we aren’t just put here to suffer.


The gift here is validation of everything I’ve learned, and everything I’ve thought might be true about my life. I don’t have to worry anymore that I’m full of shit, that I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about, and that I had better not aim too high, because what I think, what I know, what I offer, and what I write, has no value. Clearly, I know quite a lot, and clearly, it does have value. I’ve just saved myself from a lifetime of MISERY. 


And I saw it all…a year and a half ago.


I can’t save Chi from a lifetime of misery. I can tell him how to do it, but he’s the person who has to do it. No one else can do it for him.