PAST...
(written BEFORE the update on 10/22, scheduled, and left here because there are some other good insights in it.)
(written BEFORE the update on 10/22, scheduled, and left here because there are some other good insights in it.)
Chi
and another good friend of mine are both atheists. Neither one of them believes
in any, and I do mean ANY, underlying spiritual purpose in life that can’t be
scientifically proven.
I
used to be that way, too. So many horrible disappointments occurred in my life
that I concluded there simply was no benevolent force in the Universe. (People
want to call this God, but I do not believe it is some angry punitive
Superbeing who watches us and demands that we believe this, think that, do this
and don’t do that, while worshiping reverently on our knees. It has a lot more
to do with US, and what WE chose to come here to experience in order to evolve.
And WE chose that, NOT Someone Else.)
Some
of this IS scientifically provable. Look at what psychologists know and have
been able to prove about the genesis and resolution of problems in human
relationship.
It’s
when it starts to intersect with the astrology and the two agree and reinforce
each other that things start to get a little scary. When I started to see the
gifts in self-understanding that the worst things in my life have had to offer
me—Simon and Chi leaving, the afteraffects of a childhood with a mentally ill
mother—and the healing pattern there is in them, should we choose to take that
path, that’s when I realized there really is something more after all, and we
aren’t just the victims of a cruel, evil, and random universe.
When
you’re an atheist, and all you believe is hard science, you can miss that. Last
night, my other atheist friend brought a section into writer’s group, of the
memoir she has been writing. In it, she’s writing of a time much earlier in her
life when her marriage was in trouble, and she embarked on an affair with a
colleague in graduate school. Here she is, marveling all these years later at
the strength of her attraction to this person, and still not able to comprehend
it into her seventies. At the time, she chalked it up to pheromones, and the
memoir chapter devolved into a trip to the morgue where she tried to convince
the M.E. to do a search for a human vomeronasal organ.
Good,
fucking, grief.
Here
I’d been rereading these blogs and telling myself, I’m crazy. Nobody reading this will ever believe me, and for good
reason. I’m clearly a crazy, desperate, horribly lonely and empty person who
needs to close the computer up for good, unless it’s to search for someone new
on Match.com. (And that person had better look out.)
But
last night, I saw that I can see why Chi and I happened, and everything the two
of us, and Rory, were supposed to get from it. I see what the blocks were in my
life, and what I’m really supposed to be here working on and growing in, and
how Chi showed that to me. And I see what he was really supposed to have worked
on and grown in these past two years, and how I showed that to him. And how
both of us have shown that to Rory, and she to us. It’s in the psychology. It’s
in the astrology.
And
because I have the ability to know and suss out these things, and see WHY
things happen, life doesn’t look like senseless pain, the way it does to Chi
and my other atheist friend. It’s painful, all right, especially this week—more
on that to come—but it’s no longer SENSELESS pain. And I worry about it a whole
lot less. I mean, the concept that I am SUPPOSED to be alone at this point in
my life—without that, I’d still be the miserable wreck I was when I started
therapy two and a half years ago.
So,
this shit may sound a little woo-woo, but it is FAR from useless.
It
means I won’t still be sitting around a writing table at age seventy-two, sadly
wondering why my life was so senselessly painful, and unable to make any meaning
or peace out of it. I won’t be like elderly relatives I have known, still
crying about why they were treated so badly by their parents, into their own
NINETIES.
In
fact, if I knew a little more about the marriage in question, and had the
charts of each person, I could probably tell my friend a good deal about why it
happened. The person in question even once said to her that they were old souls
who knew each other in another life and planned to come together in this
one—which her ultra-scientific mind immediately pooh-poohed.
You’re
going to reach seeing the meaning in your life experiences really fucking slow
that way. But, it’s each person’s own choice.
And
right when I was feeling really stupid and silly over the whole fucking thing,
that happened. Amazing.
Painful
though many events have been over the last four years, at least I don’t have to
live like Chi and my other atheist friend. And I have a feeling that is turning
out to be a very good thing.
By
the 24th of September, I had heard no more from Chi. Looking more closely
at the relevant transit, I guess that’s to be expected. All it really says is,
I’m trying to guess what’s going on with the trends in my life, and highly
likely to be wrong.
The
first time I saw it, I jumped to conclusions and assumed I'd be trying to figure
out what was going on because I’d
heard from him.
(Um,
actually, when you think about it, that is
exactly what happened. I did hear
from him. In a very sneaky way, with lots of plausible deniability. And then I
started trying to guess why!)
If
there’s any more, I thought it would be this week. The reason I believe that is: The transits
that talk about an ongoing resumption of a relationship start in the middle of
October and go through November and on into next spring and summer. If he waits
too much longer, he’s going to miss them, and effectively break our date.
But the fact is, these transits go on a long time. All I can really tell is, if it's getting on into late spring/early summer and he hasn't spoken to me, he isn't going to. But I'm not able to pinpoint when any closer than that. I had guessed mid-September, and I did hear something, but that was it.
What I need to think about is how to just build a life all alone, because either way, I will still be alone a long, long time. Maybe for the rest of my life. If the astrology is correct, I have to throw Chi a gauntlet: We both have to get well, and become emotionally well people. And emotionally well people don't try to pursue two relationships at once if they have to lie and deceive to do that.
If he lets that gauntlet lie there, I'm alone. If he never shows up again, I'm alone. When you have so many problems being alone, alone is where you NEED to be, not in a relationship. When you're perfectly happy and perfectly fine all by yourself and you don't need a relationship, that's when you can be in one. Not before.
Except, quite interestingly, for Chi. In order to accomplish some of my life objectives, so the astrology goes, I don't have to have a relationship. In fact, I will probably accomplish them more readily without any close people at all.
But Chi. He has Venus on his North Node. Relationships and learning to navigate properly within them are a major reason he's here. He can't accomplish his objectives in this life without one. So if it isn't Rory, and it isn't me, it's going to be someone else.
But the fact is, these transits go on a long time. All I can really tell is, if it's getting on into late spring/early summer and he hasn't spoken to me, he isn't going to. But I'm not able to pinpoint when any closer than that. I had guessed mid-September, and I did hear something, but that was it.
What I need to think about is how to just build a life all alone, because either way, I will still be alone a long, long time. Maybe for the rest of my life. If the astrology is correct, I have to throw Chi a gauntlet: We both have to get well, and become emotionally well people. And emotionally well people don't try to pursue two relationships at once if they have to lie and deceive to do that.
If he lets that gauntlet lie there, I'm alone. If he never shows up again, I'm alone. When you have so many problems being alone, alone is where you NEED to be, not in a relationship. When you're perfectly happy and perfectly fine all by yourself and you don't need a relationship, that's when you can be in one. Not before.
Except, quite interestingly, for Chi. In order to accomplish some of my life objectives, so the astrology goes, I don't have to have a relationship. In fact, I will probably accomplish them more readily without any close people at all.
But Chi. He has Venus on his North Node. Relationships and learning to navigate properly within them are a major reason he's here. He can't accomplish his objectives in this life without one. So if it isn't Rory, and it isn't me, it's going to be someone else.
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