Look Out! Your Ghost May Linger Forever...

PRESENT

I knew more about affairs, marital problems, adult child issues, and codependency than most people, at the time that Chi happened along, I think.

But there was one thing I was naïve about.

I thought that if the married guy rejected you, he and the wife would be hunky-dory, would close ranks against you, the enemy; and henceforth their marriage would be strengthened, and your name and memory would be forever mud. 

Turns out that's not entirely the case.

If I had known this when I started up with Chi, would I still have done it? 

I might have. 

On the one hand, I had such qualms about what I knew Rory would go through that I put myself in the hospital having a one-hour panic attack. (Yes, that was all about Rory. I never told Chi that.) On the other hand, I was very angry with Rory. Her behavior was appalling and reprehensible, and worse, Chi did not know that all marriages were not like this and that he did not deserve it. 

I was angry enough at Rory that if I had known I was potentially damaging the marriage forever, I might have done it just to have that extra bit of leverage at wresting him from her. I also faced the possibility that, if I didn’t give Chi the (limited) experience of love that I did, and he went back to Rory and nothing ever got better, he very well might climb into his grave at ninety and a half never having known any better treatment from anyone.

Oh, no. HELL, no. NO WAY was I risking that one. Not with a sweet, smart, good-hearted, lovely, absolutely darling guy like this one.

But now I do know that, and (I know. Horoscopes again. Bleah.) But, should they be correct, I have to consider this if there’s a change in circumstances in the near future.

Do I want to use this fact to, in effect, drive Rory half nuts and force her into pushing Chi away? Because, dear sisters in harlotry, that is what we are doing. Now you know.

For my part, I don’t think so. If I win, I want to win fair and square, not simply because I drove Rory insane. (Especially if I was mean enough to actually do it on purpose.) 

 And if Chi leaves, he learns and matures a great deal more if the decision comes from him and is enforced by him, rather than if he’s forced into it by someone else, or lets the women in his life make (yet another) major life decision for him.

If he shows in my section ever again, it’s going to be Healthy Self And Healthy Relationship Boot Camp or the highway. He’s gonna need those skills for that.

For your part, recognize this. If he leaves you and goes back to his wife (or she leaves you and goes back to her husband)—and the odds are overwhelming that this is exactly what will happen—YOU HAVE DAMAGED ANOTHER PERSON’S MARRIAGE POSSIBLY FOREVER, and you still lose the person anyway.

Do you really want that on your conscience, besides the broken heart you could be nursing, oh, for the next two or so years??