Why you should never, never, NEVER, never judge when you hear about an affair...and why you should be wary of participating in one, Book Two

PRESENT


As I said, you never, ever, ever

                    EVER

see a current or potential affair the way it really is on your first glance. 

Or your second.

(Maybe you will on your third.)

Which is why it would behoove you, should you discover that your best friend is cheating on his wife of thirty-five years, whom you like and respect, not to light into him with judgement and castigation, until you know a wholewholewholewhole 

LOT MORE.

And why, should you be thinking of actually striking something up with that person you've kind of liked for a long time, even though there's a third party already involved, you should pause. Until you know a wholewholewholewhole

LOT MORE.


Let's start, shall we, with a couple of real-life examples, drawn, as it were, from my own very painful real-life experience.

Let's say you are an old friend of Rory and Chi's. You've known this couple forEVER. They're so charming, so sweet, they seem so good together. He has a very successful career, she's a wonderful homemaker and mother, they raised two beautiful children. The oldest had a beautiful wedding and now has a beautiful child herself. When you've had problems  in your marriage and wondered about walking out, you always looked sideways at this couple, and Rory and Chi always gave you hope that marriage could work...for somebody, at least.

Suddenly, you hear the impossible! Chi moved out?? After thirty-five years of wedded bliss?? And--HE HAS ANOTHER WOMAN??

Poor Rory!!

OH, my God. Not this couple!

And what are you going to do the next time you see Chi? How are you going to act??

Because you KNOW the TRUTH, right?? In that big beautiful house, they've lived thirty-five years of wedded bliss, and now Chi's just decided to turn bad, right?? Because YOU saw them out and about and things always LOOKED wonderful. Right???

WRONG.

If you could get the peek into reality that I've just had, if Chi ever sat down with you and told you the truth, what you would hear is that for the past twenty years, Rory, in the privacy of their home, has behaved like a plastic person. She doesn't really respond to anything, when they're alone, with any semblance of real emotion. She responds in five words or less. She tells Chi what a perfect husband he is in a monotone deadpan. She doesn't want to go on vacation. She doesn't want to curl up and snuggle. They've had sex two to three times a year for the past ten years. That's what you'd hear. And Chi feels so beaten up about it that he thinks he's worthless. And he believes that all marriages are like this, so there's nothing else to do but sit there and feel horrible. About marriage. About himself. About life.

Would you believe it?

Chances are you'd try to argue, just like Hope did. But, but-but-but-but-BUT.

Things aren't really what they looked on the surface to you at all, now, were they? Before you argue, try to feel this man's pain, please. 

Especially since ACoA's have spent their whole lives long ignored and treated like they weren't worth being around, as has anyone with a parent who was affected by drugs or mental illness. They felt like lower life forms anyway, not as good as other people, and then they marry someone like this. Now they feel worse.

You didn't know that about your friend, did you? Did you?

He sort of had reason to go out and find someone else, didn't he? Because how can you ask for more in your marriage, if you don't understand that there's more to be had? That not everyone will treat you like this? That you don't deserve to be treated like this??

(And that you really should be in therapy, which, thank heavens, someone finally got you to do!)

Next time you find out someone you know, or some public figure has had an affair, don't be so quick to judge. In this case, it LOOKED like someone was just being unreasonable, mean, and selfish, when really there were deep-seated emotional problems on both sides going back to childhood. You really didn't know the whole situation. 

And in any affair situation you might hear about, you really don't.

                                   ****

Now. You there, thinking of stepping into a relationship where there's already someone in the spot you want, or stepping out of one when you haven't divorced your spouse. The same phenomenon is likely to affect you in the coming months, in ways you can't even imagine yet.  

I was the conquering hero, saving him from Bad Old Rory. Who knew why she was acting the way she was? We only knew one thing: It was bad. Real bad.

And I was the one who saw he was ACoA, who knew enough to insist he find himself a therapist, who talked him down over the phone on one of the worst nights of his life (I won't even say where Rory was, only that he'd been going around the house crying all week; she didn't even notice and had left town). I was the one who showed him he was lovable and sexy--and he believed me! This tall, handsome, sharp, smart, successful, sweet, sexy guy believed in himself again. And I had done that. While she was still acting like a world class horse's ass.

I was going to win this fantastic guy, Rory would get what she deserved, and we would be happy ever after!

That was what it looked like at first. That was what I thought.

We spent so much time puzzling over Rory's behavior. She said what to you?? Why is she acting like that??

At first I thought she was just there for security. Chi is quite successful, after all. Then one morning I woke out of a sound sleep: She doesn't love him! Poor Chi! 

I spent a good deal of time very angry at Rory. I felt vindicated by how she treated him.

BUT...having a parent with mental illness teaches you a lot. Especially if you've read

                       and read

and read
                                                                and read

                                      and read  

about it. I read a ton of relationship books, too, which is one reason my marriage with Simon worked out so well. And one thing I knew from all that reading is that if one partner in a marriage is emotionally unwell, the other person is, too. Healthy people are only attracted to healthy people, and unhealthy people are only attracted to unhealthy people. So if Chi was so very desperately ACoA, something had to be wrong with Rory.

I was just damned if I could figure out what it was.

It looked like she was just being an ASS. 

And then, one day, Chi told me ONE thing she said that turned the light on. I started to realize why she was doing what she was doing, and I understood a little more how she felt and what it was like to be her.

I just didn't understand how it started.

I had a dilemma then. Do I tell Chi? If I do, I could lose him.

But I couldn't know what I knew and not say anything. 

It wasn't fair.

So I told him. And I told him he might have a chance at saving his marriage if he invited her to marriage counseling.

I won't put his reply here in case Rory ever happens along. She would find it hurtful. But I could totally see why he felt that way.

He didn't change his mind until much later, for a very ACoA reason.

And after he did, I was devastated.

I thought he'd made his decision and moved out, and that was it. Right?

I thought we were past all the hardest spots. 

Little did I know what ACoA guilt can do to a person.

I can only hope it's worked out for them now. Because if it isn't, Chi is going to be in quite a fix.

The other reason I hope it's worked out for them is this video I posted before, but will post one more time, because the information is extremely valuable. If I had seen it before my relationship with Chi, I probably wouldn't have entered the relationship.

Here it is:

The Slaughter of Trust, by the wonderful Mark Smith  


After I saw this, I realized: This is what I was looking at. This is why they were together. She really IS his other half.

(There's also a bit about what you have to do when the other person----WILL NOT work in therapy...well, you need to fire that person. And Chi needs to apply that to Rory, and I need to apply that to Chi.)
 
And I will bet any amount of money that this is Rory.

And NOW I know that.

                                   ****

Not what I thought in the beginning, now, was it??

                                   ****

And that's the thing about an affair.

It never is. 

Ah, but then I dug deeper.

Then I read some other stuff, and then I learned more.

NOW what I know is THIS: 

First Glance: "This poor guy. He's wonderful, and he's married to this cold, bitchy woman who doesn't love him and who's just using him. I know how to treat him, he's in therapy, so when we're together everything will be hunky-dory. (And it will be because of me.) <---There's MY problem, which I needed to be woken up to, and which Chi did very nicely.   

Second Glance: "She is in as much pain as he is, and they picked each other out of old childhood wounds they need to heal. Ideally, they'll do this together, so I really didn't belong there. Except 'the other woman' was necessary to give them both a good swift kick and get them into therapy together finally."

Third Glance: "These problems are WAYYY worse than I even saw on my second glance. If they have a GOOD therapist who understands abandonment and engulfment issues and the need to do family of origin work, they might be OK. 

If it doesn't work, and he shows up again, this guy has very serious problems, and this relationship could be very, very painful."


Wow.

Who saw that coming?? 

See what I mean? When an affair starts, you never, never

                    ever, ever

ever see what's really coming. 

If it's someone you know who's cheating, just shut the fuck up. You do NOT know the truth.

And if it's YOU getting ready to have the affair, look out.

It's not what it looks like.

It's way worse than what it looks like.

YOU DON'T SEE IT COMING.

You really don't. 

And that's why I named this blog, "All Too Easy."

When you're attracted to someone who's already with someone else...or you're with someone already and you're looking at a third party, it always seems like just the solution to some problem you're having.


Yeah, right.

Cue Darth Vader: "All Too Easy."  

 

Why you should never, never, NEVER, never judge when you hear about an affair...and why you should be wary of participating in one.

PAST

I was feeling better about things than I have felt in a long, long time. I'd gotten over the neediness, the thought that if he'd only come back, it would be the best, best thing, better than anything else I could ever have in my life. I understood that I wasn't operating in entirely healthy mode when I entered that relationship, and I have spent the past two years learning all about that and trying to fix these problems in myself. I understood that he wasn't healthy at ALL when he entered this relationship...and hasn't been healthy at all his whole life. 

I understood. And I considered that a triumph. And I feel better than I have in a year and a half, even though the memory of this man never leaves me even for a minute.

That's progress, I suppose.

And then I was in the bathroom at Panera Bread today, and our song started playing.

We had more songs in four months than most couples have in forty years. We played each other music a lot. For his part, Chi had a "Ridley mix CD" which held a lot of songs that made him think of me. He played me a few once. The music was just like him--eclectic, different, indie, sad songs by artists I had never heard of before. Plaintive, ephemeral, sad. He'd said several times he was sure something would happen and this happiness would be snatched away. That he had the feeling he just wasn't fated ever to be happy in this life.

My songs were more upbeat. I played him a lot of Taylor Swift. But THE song, the one I hardly ever hear anywhere, the one I finally heard today, was "Say Geronimo" by Sheppard. I think it's in the promos for Zootopia; I don't know if it's in the movie. Our flagship song.

That was the one I played him after he left me the first time.

Before he moved out, I had the luxury of being the only voice in his ear besides that of the therapist I insisted he find once I realized how severely ACoA he is. After he moved out, a lot of other voices started talking. For one thing, Rory, of course, finally realized (after basically ignoring him for two decades) that they had serious problems. And their grown daughter, Hope, had a lot to say, too.

Hope took him to breakfast the morning after he moved out and lobbied him not to leave. It wasn't fair, she said. They'd been married thirty-five years, and hadn't really talked for twenty.

Hmm, okay, but I had to point out to Chi the sort of treatment Rory had been handing him ever since he had started trying to tell her they had serious problems. Unacceptable. Completely unacceptable. If I ever treat any man that way ever in my life...shoot me.

He was afraid she'd manipulate him back into the marriage again and then start her behavior all over again. She'd done it before, he said. She'd do just enough, in previous years when he'd complained about her near-constant neglect, to keep him, then go right back to her old ways yet again. He didn't trust her. 

I asked him, Do you trust her now? Can you trust her? Because I can't carry on a full-blown affair with a married man. The only reason I'm still here is that you moved out, and you're planning to file for divorce. If you start counseling with her, I have to say goodbye.

And I didn't want to. I really didn't want to.

After that conversation, I played him that song. 

He told me he really didn't want to fix things with Rory. His therapist asked him, if it wasn't for his daughter, would he be thinking about marriage counseling at all. He said no.

In two days, he was back.

                                   ****

Now I'm hearing that song in the bathroom at Panera Bread. And what comes back to me is how silly, how unrealistic, what a child I was. I was the conquering hero, saving him from Bad Old Rory. Who knew why she was acting the way she was? We only knew one thing: It was bad. Real bad.

And I was the one who saw he was ACoA, who knew enough to insist he find himself a therapist, who talked him down over the phone on one of the worst nights of his life (I won't even say where Rory was, only that he'd been going around the house crying all week; she didn't even notice and had left town). I was the one who showed him he was lovable and sexy--and he believed me! This tall, handsome, sharp, smart, successful, sweet, sexy guy believed in himself again. And I had done that. While she was still acting like a world class horse's ass.

I was going to win this fantastic guy, Rory would get what she deserved, and we would be happy ever after!

                                   ****

When you first enter a relationship where one party is already in a relationship with someone else, it always looks simpler than it is. 

By the same token, when you first hear that someone you are close to has cheated on their longtime spouse, it always looks simpler than it is.

Trust me on this one: You never, ever, ever, 

                                      ever

ever, ever, ever,

        EVER

see it the way it REALLY IS 

with your first damn glance.


Or your second.


Or your THIRD.


Trust me on this one. Really.

I'm about to prove it to you.

Are you ready?? 

(coming next week...)
 

Five Ingredients That Will Save Your Marriage

FUTURE

If you read this blog at all, you know I'm a big fan of Family Tree Counseling's You Tube channel.

If you're married and cheating-or-about-to cheat, what's your future?

The Fabulous Mark Smith on the Five Ingredients You Need to Save Your Marriage. (In short, here they are, but the video is linked up there.)

1.)     Let psychological walls down and be highly motivated—not to “not get divorced,” or to “save the marriage so we don’t have the public embarrassment and the financial problems of a divorce,” but to fix your OWN brokenness. Be disturbed about YOUR OWN dysfunction, have insight into how messed up YOU are and be motivated to work on THAT. 

2.)    Be teachable. Know how much you don’t know and be open to feedback in your therapy.

3.)    Pain informs you that something is desperately wrong with YOU. Consider it a gift.

4.)    Trust in the process of therapy.

5.)    Be willing to read books and watch videos and do your homework.