Nobody's Cryin', Nobody's Lyin', and Nobody's Dyin'.

PRESENT


Oh, my God, what a WEEK. I literally feel like I've been bound in front of a firing squad and riddled with bullets.

My eldest stepson. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I've been trying to settle Simon's estate matters, and this person has treated me like a criminal since day one, and I have done NOTHING to deserve it. I have done NOTHING TO this person! Ever!

And he communicates like a goddamned Neanderthal, and then he's angry when I can't read his mind.

And the things this person takes offense at. Jesus Fucking Christ! Apparently the normal way that most people hash out agreement and disagreement is completely foreign to this person.

But then, one needs to consider the source. Mom had a diagnosis of BPD (that's borderline personality disorder, not bipolar.) And we know that BP's often pair up with very controlling people. And, from several reports, Simon was a real asshole when he was younger, with a drinking AND a gambling problem. And there were a ton of arguments and fights. None of those three boys is 100% right. I wonder if the middle one, as detailed elsewhere on this blog, may have BPD himself. 

The oldest one, from all reports, is a long-term pothead who committed welfare fraud, moved into Simon's house and never paid rent so they almost lost it, then tore it all up. We could have been married two years earlier had Simon not had to move back there to remodel it. And the youngest one, well...grumpy, surly, depressed, sarcastic, and bitter. Has he ever had a date in his whole life? God knows.

The whole thing almost ended up in a lawsuit. Fortunately, it didn't, but it's all just taught me a little more about the tenacity of the blinders a bad childhood slaps over a person's ability to perceive reality, and to get their mind around the truth about another person's communication, no matter how desperately they're trying to get it across. And how easy it is to fall into a damnable repeating pattern; even though I had just been told (finally!) what upset the other person, I went right back and did the same thing anyway.

And I know who else had a bad childhood, and how tenacious those problems are, and that is really sobering.

Because that person hides, pretends, and lies. And ACTS, as skillfully as Robert DeNiro. If Chi doesn't want you to know something, you aren't going to know it. A relationship could wind up a long, long, LONG way down the wrong road before I ever had a clue.

And that is very scary.

I've realized my horoscopes are right. I am addicted to drama. 

All when I was younger, there was some BIG drama. 

One day I was gonna be a big, flashy success (or as much as you can be as a minor author, anyway) and prove to EVERYONE I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR that I didn't deserve how they acted toward me and how they treated me. I was gonna do well enough at something I loved so I didn't have to stay stuck in something I just wasn't good enough at and was unhappy and terrified doing. 

Then when I realized how unrealistic that was, at least I could marry the guy who was that good.

Then I realized how unrealistic that was.

But Simon was such a great guy to be with, that didn't matter. Then--surprise!--I was battling brain cancer with the best guy in the world. 

Then I was battling Rory and childhood demons with the other best guy in the world.

Then I got DUMPED. (Being brokenhearted sure is miserable, but it's also very dramatic.)

Now all I'm battling is Number One Stepson. And I TRULY hope we've seen the last of that...but I doubt it. Something tells me he's going to hate something in the new book contract, jeopardize the sale of the book, and we'll be at each other's throats all over again.

Drama, it turns out, is not all, "Wheee! I'm not going to have a boring, everyday life!" 

That was how I was as a kid and as a young person.

But actually, most times, drama is BAD. And most of the time, drama makes you feel TERRIBLE.

                                                     ***

Soon, there will be nothing particularly happy or exciting going on in my life, at all. Nobody I'm happy to come home to, or just thrilled to stay home and cook Sunday breakfast with. Nobody to swap writing pages with and dream. No belief that anything exciting is going to happen with my writing, or Simon's. Or mine and my writing partner's. Realistically, most books that are published don't sell shit. You have to sell at least 5,000 copies for a publisher to consider you as having done anything worthy of another book contract.

No more Battling To Save My Man. (In any sense of the phrase.)

And, please God, no more battling with Number One Stepson.

It's entirely possible that I'm going to spend the next thirty to forty years just going along and doing my work, and that will be it.

                                                      ***

You just have to live what life gives you. 

You're not going to be the "best" at anything, and even if you do, you're just going to die and it won't matter in the great cosmic scheme of things, anyhow. It's just not that important. Nothing is, when you think about it.

Two years and six days ago, Chi called me and left me. And I've had this sensation ever since then that I was in a race against time, struggling and struggling to grasp a number of things about it before a deadline, before something else that was going to happen.

And now I feel like I've gotten there. I've achieved all the knowledge from it that I was supposed to. 

I can poke around it some more, sure, and the astrology is fascinating, but there's no more feeling of urgency about it any more, like there's something I really need to know and I haven't found it yet. 

I'm done shoveling shit, I'm a very different person than I was when I started, and now it's just time to relax. To just go along doing my work, and that will be it.

I won't have a dramatic life any more, or even have anything much happen to me at all--except for getting old and dying.

                                                      ***

And I remind myself that there are VERY good things about that. 

I have a new saying about my new, getting old, getting bald, getting fat, solitary, little-old-lady, almost-fifty life: 

"Nobody's cryin', nobody's lyin', and nobody's dyin'."

All my young life, my mother was whinin' and cryin'. "So-and-so did this to me, and So-and-so did that to me."

"Oh, you poor baby," was the only way she knew to feel self-worth.

If somebody done her wrong, and you were telling her they were wrong and she was right, that was a safe way, and the only way she knew how, to feel the validation she needed. Always from other people, because she was abused as a child and still all tied up in it, 

and she still felt worthless.

I don't have that in my life any more. I had to cut that influence out a long, long time ago due to some unbelievable behavior. 

(I haven't missed that behavior one little bit.)


And Chi. Sweet, handsome, smart, sharp, funny, incredible Chi.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM. NOTHING!

He is, always was, and forever and ever will be, a lovely, lovely person.


But, he was an abused child, 

and he still feels worthless.

And the only way he doesn't feel worthless is if he's making everybody else happy all the time.

And if that isn't making him happy, he stays all walled-off and fortressed-up, shutting everyone out of his reality, not letting anyone see the real Chi, unwilling to BE the real Chi, resentful and self-denigrating and telling himself he's unlovable, repulsive, and that Fate has it in for him (those, sadly, aren't my words)...

while hanging a beautiful mural outside the walls of his lonely little fortress so no one knows anything is wrong.
This is known as "smiling depression," by the way.

And "smiling depression" is one big lie. One big lie to the world about who you really are, and one big lie in your relationship about what's really true within it.

And if I'm with Chi, and I love him the way he really is, and his trust is the most precious thing I have...

He basically just shuts you out. Quietly, with no notice, and acting flawlessly as if nothing's changed. 

If you are Chi's relationship partner, one day, you are no longer his best friend. 

And he JUST DOESN'T TELL YOU.

You won't find out about it for TEN YEARS.  At LEAST!

And the whole point of my relationship with Simon, and my relationship with Chi, was that we were best friends, and we trusted each other, and I knew their real hearts. 

Simon would never have done this to me!

If Chi and I ever really were together, and he walled himself off and stopped sharing, and he basically just cut me out of his life and went on living in the same house with me and pretended like nothing was at all wrong...

I'D WANT TO DIE.

I really, really would. 

I'm not Rory. I'm no wicked witch with an attitude problem, to hide away from in the Fortress.

It's one thing if every time you stick your nose out of the Fortress, there's a wicked witch out there throwing lightning bolts at you. That would scare anybody back in. But I am not that wicked witch, and if I am hurling lightning bolts, it may be that there is something seriously wrong with me, or going on in my life. Maybe I need the support of the person I am with, not to be walled out and left while he's still living in the same house, giving an Oscar-worthy performance that nothing is wrong.

I don't know how I'd ever be with Chi, and not be absolutely terrified that he was walling me out like that--and turning in such a good acting performance that I'd think everything was okay, and never, ever know until ten years later when he wanted me to know.

That would be much, much too late.

My whole world would just shatter into pieces.

Simon would never have done that to me. He knew that I'm a good woman, and he trusted me.

That is one scary scenario. ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING.

Who wants that to happen to her? Especially after fifty.

At least if I'm alone from now on, I don't have to be afraid of that.

And brain cancer, well...

Life is peaceful now. Nobody's cryin', nobody's lyin', and nobody's dyin'.

There are good things about being alone.

                                                    ***

I just have to keep reminding myself of that, I suppose.

The amazing things astrology can teach you about yourself and your relationship

Still analyzing the PAST...
 

I should change the name of this thing to something that reflects my increasing interest in astrology.

After two years of grappling with this, why it happened, and what we're meant to be learning from it, and finding astrology so helpful, I finally embarked on a formal study of the subject myself. I don't know if I'm going to be able to draw a chart by hand anytime soon--there are free computer programs for that--but I definitely want to be able to interpret one, instead of relying on others to do it for me.

So I started with a basic, but thick, book, and it's taking me through all the planets and all the signs. This evening, I started my study of Pisces, which is ruled by Neptune.

If you have read much of the rest of this blog, you know that Neptune is one tricky little fucker. Neptune has quite the way of creating a beautiful dream that you believe is true--then, BANG! There's a VERY rude awakening when you see that it is not.

Now, Chi has done this once to Rory and once to me, and my transits warn and warn me about Neptune. And as I read about the sign of Pisces, ruled by Neptune, it sounds an awful lot like him. But I noticed I relate to a lot of it as well. As part of my study, I went on Astro.com, where most of my transit and horoscope readings quoted in this blog come from, and printed off my, Chi's and Rory's detailed charts. The computer will find and count all the aspects of all the planets for you, for free.

So I decided to check Chi's and my natal charts and count up all the Neptune aspects. 

Chi has five. That's a pretty strong Neptune. I wasn't surprised. I expected that all the Neptune in our relationship is coming from him.

Until I counted up the Neptune in my chart.

Nine fucking Neptune aspects. NINE.

Um, so now we see who really has the Neptune, here. Well, we both do, but I can't blame him for all of it. I have wayyy more than my share. What's really happening here is that this person has activated all these Neptune lessons I was put here to learn.

Simon, my stalwart, departed husband, would NEVER have activated all this unhealed, not-in-touch-with-reality, needs-to-learn-in-these-areas stuff in my character, because SIMON NEVER, EVER WOULD HAVE LIED TO ME OR TO HIMSELF.

That is because Simon had excellent self-esteem and excellent self-worth. Problems from childhood he may have had, but zero self-worth was not one of them. So he would never, never, never, never need to act, to pretend, to present himself or try to convince himself that he was something other than his true self, BECAUSE HE DID NOT HAVE THIS PATHOLOGICAL OVERWHELMING NEED FOR HIS SIGNIFICANT OTHER'S APPROVAL.

Only lowlowlowlow self-esteem creates that.

So it was as if Simon came along, we fit like yin and yang, we had this wonderful relationship for eleven years, and then he said, "Well, I'm getting old (we had a twenty-one year age difference), and you need to learn these few things and I'm never going to be able to teach them to you. I have high self-esteem, and to learn these things you need someone who absolutely deplores himself, but clearly is a good person and has no reason to. Someone you absolutely adore and whom it will just break your heart to watch suffer and not get well.

JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER.

So I'm going to contract a brain tumor, shuffle off to Buffalo, you're going to raise your self-esteem a lot taking care of me, and before I shuffle off  this mortal coil, I'm going to let you know that your next teacher really has a thing for you, so you'll find each other during the most awful time of your lives and have an affair, which you wouldn't under any other circumstances, and which you definitely wouldn't if I hadn't told you I know he likes you. You need to learn this stuff, and you can't learn any more from me, so here ya go!"

O

M

G.

Our Davisons (You don't know what a Davison relationship horoscope is?? If you're in a relationship, do please get one immediately!) tell both Chi and me, and both Simon and me, that we arrive in each other's lives with important lessons to teach each other. 

I think I just found out what Chi is here to teach me. It's all just too, too, too, too motherfucking accurate.

I will elaborate on how, but it's a little too long for this post, so I will do this in the next one.

I also think it's pretty obvious what I am here to teach Chi, and there are predictions that I'm not done yet. Hence the post I put up prior to this one.

The question is, what happens to the relationship after that? 

Because, when one person is primed to LIE and the other person is primed to WANT TO BELIEVE THE LIES...

How do you know when, or if, it's ever safe to trust?

Especially when, in every other way, the two of you are perfect compliments to one another? If the person GOT WELL, it would be one thing...

But if they aren't getting well, and they can act and lie so consummately that you will never be able to tell until your whole world falls in in ten to sixteen years...

This is bad.

Badbadbadbadbadbad.

A Prediction

Future

Something just happened that I had been thinking might happen for a while. Looking at Rory's horoscopes, she's about to have a period of either professional or creative success. Since she doesn't work, that left only two avenues, and while one was likely, since she's active in that anyway, I wondered if perhaps she wasn't going to suddenly become more successful in this other thing. Her heart seems very much in that and there is a structured way for her to move up in it. 

A few weeks ago a certain opportunity opened up for her and as soon as I saw that, I knew that was the one and that she would get it, based on these readings. And this week, I discovered that this has indeed happened. At first I was confused, because I assumed that people who hold this office only hold it for a year as in most other organizations like this, while her horoscope transits show her having success in this position for a number of years.

Then I found out that in this organization, people evidently hold this office for a term of some several years, not sure how long.

So there you go.

Putting astrology to the test here for sure, and also my understanding of the book Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody, I predict that I will indeed soon hear from Chi again, and Rory's recent opportunity will be a big factor.

To her credit, if Rory ever sees this, she's going to do very well in her new role. She may be the best in this role they've ever had.

Enjoy.

By the way, Rory, your horoscope is warning you about your behavior in your close relationship. A lot.

The Most Destructive Thing I Could Ever Do

PRESENT

From the files of journals emailed to my therapist:

3/7/17

If I’m typing up a homework, I try to keep them all in one long file. So I opened it today, and this is what I saw:

5/27/16

A year tomorrow. Happy Anniversary to me. It sure hasn’t been the year I was expecting a year ago today, that’s for damn sure. 

Of course, I should have known that would never, ever happen, for the simple reason that life is never, EVER that good to people. Never, ever, ever,

Ever, ever, ever, EVER.

Well…life isn’t that good to ME. It was that good to Simon. It was that good to Chi! He just wasn’t able to say yes to it a year ago, for various reasons—some good, some poor.

Oh, but not for me. I don’t ever get happiness, fun, pleasure, breaks, or things made easier. If I do something comes along to ruin them. I get difficult, difficult lessons, most of them very painful.

Oh, but I was expecting exactly the opposite. I’d taken care and taken care and taken care of other people, given up all my dreams, lost so much, and been through SO MUCH HARROWING SHIT, that what was I expecting? I was expecting to be rewarded.

And:

7/23/16

I’m going to try to type in the most important journal homework. More if time permits.

The last week I have felt horribly, horribly depressed. There are aspects in my horoscope which talk about me being wayyy too dependent on emotional intimacy with other people for happiness. And this is true. All I needed was Simon or one good friend, and I was fine. Without such a relationship…I’m plodding through life going, Why am I even doing this? Why am I even here? If this is all there’s ever going to be from now on, and I get diagnosed with something terminal, forget it. This is nothing to undergo miserable cancer treatment in order to prolong.

Apparently there are ways to be alone in life and not feel like this. If you’ve got any ideas, I’m all ears.

                                      ***

The weeks since this Valentine’s Day have been interesting. When I left your office on Valentine’s Day, I had a nice day planned for myself. I was going to go out to a jewelry store for a little research on my novel (the main villain has An Important Diamond), and then I was going to go to a nice movie dinner theater, get there a little early, treat myself to a mixed drink and write some, then enjoy a fabulous dinner and a movie. By myself. And I did these things. I had a lovely, lovely day. I had a GREAT time.

So, I get to the diamond store, and not only are they nice enough to show me their largest diamond (10 carats, fancy yellow, $650,000 +), but they have a 0% financing sale for five years. 

When I married Simon, we had $1000 to spend on our entire wedding---dress, cake, rings, minister. A diamond was out of the question. I figured I’d never own one other than the tiny ones on rings I got from my mother or Terry the Terrible (who was a jewelry salesman), but I am now the proud owner of a pretty ring with two, well, decent-sized diamonds of decent quality. It’s nicer than anything my mother ever had, and I EARNED mine. (Especially after the last eight years.)

I had such a lovely day, and for about a week I was on Cloud Nine. I spent all my life worrying about being such a failure at work that I would one day end up homeless. And now I’d bought MYSELF a nice diamond ring. (Since there’s never going to be a guy to buy me one.)

And then I sort of crashed. I began to realize exactly how much I’ve been attracted to men based on worldly success. Having spent most of my life feeling like a failure in a profession I shouldn’t have chosen, I always envied Rory how she didn’t have to worry about that. Chi makes more than enough for both of them with his one job, and she has this cushy life. She can stay home, do crafts, raise the kids, do things for other people, clubs, hobbies…Jesus, for the longest time, she didn’t even do the HOUSEWORK. The Sunday he started trying to broach the idea that they had a problem, HE was the one making breakfast. And HE usually did the dishes. Christ!!

I used to think, I’d be wayyy more help than that, if I could only just get one quarter of the help in life that she gets. And look how she treated him! 

Simon, I admired because he was so hugely talented. I was soon to find that that does NOT translate into worldly success, at least not in terms of dollar signs, but I always believed neither man would ever want anything to do with ME. I was too young or too fat, too uneducated in anything but medicine and not well read enough, too much a failure and would one day be unhireable and unable to pull her own weight. (Rory chose not to work to stay home with the children, she didn’t get FIRED nine times.) I was sure I couldn’t take care of myself and I would end up down Route 1 in a tent someday, and to have anyone who didn’t experience that worry actually want ME really turned my head.

Now I’m looking down at this diamond ring. Something I thought I’d never own, and it’s pretty, and it proves something. I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF! (The I Can Take Care Of Myself Twin diamonds.)

I can take care of myself. Geez.

I mean, who knew, man?

And now I was feeling really strange and depressed. All that falling all over guys (in my imagination, anyway) because they were a success. I saw I was trying to marry taking care of myself instead of actually DOING it. (The same way Chi thought he was marrying emotional health rather than actually DOING it.)

And both of us got a surprise.

WTF will I ever be attracted to in a new guy now? I didn’t even know!

I know that if I ever see this guy again, he knows how to appeal. He knows how to smoke out whatever you want to hear and present it on a golden platter. With diamond-embedded cutlery. If I ever see him again, he’s going to look and sound very, deceptively well. For a time, most likely a short one. (Especially if he's pissed off at Rory.)

It occurred to me that he’s let Rory make many, many of the important decisions in his life that affect him. And then, thirty-five years later, he’s miserable and asking, “Things look good and everybody seems happy except me. What’s wrong?”

In a word…DUH.

It occurred to me that, should things once again go south, he’s going to do the same thing we saw before and look to everyone else in his life for signals about what he should do. (How much do you want to bet that Rory was the one who picked out the house, its design, and where it would be located? I’ve got $20 that says…)

And other people are NOT the ones who should be making decisions like that all the time. Especially in the hypothetical case of: “Who should I spend my life with?” HE needs to be making that decision. Not me, not Rory, not his daughter, not his son, not his cousin (who simply doesn’t approve!), not his friends, no, nor any of the rest of his family. 

“Who should I spend the rest of my life with?” is FOR FUCK’S SAKE a question that should be answered by only ONE person: CHI. And he’s going to try to push it off on someone else. Good grief, last time around he blamed fate at one point, and THE MAN IS AN ATHEIST. Sheesh.

It also occurred to me that this IS my new life. I AM ALL ALONE. I may be forever, now. 

What I needed to do was change from a person who only knows how to be happy in at least one harmonious relationship with a close loved one, into a person who knows how to be happy without anyone close at all.

And I didn’t know how to do that. 

So what I was trying to do was control another person into changing, so that I WOULD NOT HAVE TO.

And that is a reprehensible thing to do. Especially with a person who needs to step up and make ONE important decision FOR HIMSELF, more than anything else he EVER needed in the entire world.

And I thought I was so smart. Of course I knew better for him than anyone else! Why, I was just going to grab one arm and pull, while Rory still had the other arm, and do the most destructive thing to him that I could ever do. 

And I saw how horrible that was. The fact is, I must never, never, never, EVER do that to him,

NO MATTER HOW SAD I AM.

NO MATTER HOW SCARED I AM.

NO MATTER HOW LONELY I AM.

NO MATTER HOW SORRY I AM THAT THE LOVELY TIMES I THOUGHT WE COULD HAVE CAN NEVER BE.

NO MATTER WHETHER I WILL BE ALONE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE OR NOT.

NO MATTER HOW TERRIFIED I AM OF FACING SOMETHING LIKE A TERMINAL ILLNESS ALL BY MYSELF.

NO MATTER WHETHER I’VE FIGURED OUT WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF ALL ALONE OR NOT.

NO MATTER, NO MATTER, NO MATTER WHAT.

YOU CAN’T TRY TO MAKE ANOTHER PERSON CHANGE, SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO CHANGE YOURSELF.

A person who truly loves Chi could never do these things. A person who truly loves Chi, sees how much he needs to make those Crucial Life Decisions by himself, for himself, and leaves. Him. To. It.

NO MATTER WHAT.

And that’s what love is.

                                            *** 

Surgical Tools

Surgery is not like sewing. When sewing, you can pick your work up, and you hold the needle in your fingers. When you’re doing surgery, your work is tied to the table, and you have to reach down into it. You have these six-inch-long things like needle nose pliers that hold the tissue, your suture, everything. Your work is six inches away from you at all times.

And that’s how people like Rory and my mother operate. Other people are their surgical tools, so they are six inches away from the world at all times. You feel low in yourself, with low self worth and no self esteem? I’ll give you something that looks like love if you’ll insert yourself between me and the world and let me manipulate my world THROUGH you. I’ll be your Valentine, if you’ll be my surgical tools. Then I never have to touch anything difficult myself, you will take care of me, and if anything goes wrong, I can blame the tool holding the needle instead of myself, since it’s you and not me. And you are under my complete control. Because you have zero self worth, your opinion of yourself, and therefore, your general feeling of well-being, rises and falls with how I act and what I tell you I think of you, bringing you under my complete control.

Which Chi was okay with, since he thought himself clumsy and inept in anything but work anyway.

But I can’t do that, because it robs another person of their own humanity. And I am NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT TO ANYONE, NO MATTER HOW I FEEL, OR HOW MUCH HELP I’M TELLING MYSELF I NEED, OR WHAT I HAVEN’T FIGURED OUT HOW TO DO FOR MYSELF.

I myself got used like that, and look how my life turned out. I know better.

So that pretty much solved that problem for me. 

I am alone. Time to just get used to it, and start figuring it out for myself. 

Odd, but just realizing how pernicious and how harmful to someone else TRYING TO CHANGE THEM really is made figuring it out for myself look more feasible, for the first time in maybe my whole life.

This past two days I spent in bed with the flu. All by myself. This was one thing I never looked forward to. What if I’m really sick, and I can’t do anything for myself, and I’m in here all alone? What if I don't have any food in the house, and I'm too sick to go to the store?

Well, this time I wasn’t that sick. I ordered takeout, and I’m still alive. And I wrote a few blogs.

I’m starting to realize that is what this time is going to be about. Just me, work, exercise, writing, and my ideas. I might as well settle in with them and learn to be comfortable and cozy. In November I will be four years a widow, and although I’ve looked for close relationships, that hasn’t panned out. 

I’m pretty hard to please. Nobody’s here, and it’s highly likely no one ever will be again.

Time to just suck it up and learn how to get along.

There’s a reason, it turns out, why life is never, ever, ever, ever, EVER, ever that good to people. 

It’s so we can motherfucking LEARN SOMETHING.