Still analyzing the PAST...
I should change the name of this thing to something that reflects my increasing interest in astrology.
After two years of grappling with this, why it happened, and what we're meant to be learning from it, and finding astrology so helpful, I finally embarked on a formal study of the subject myself. I don't know if I'm going to be able to draw a chart by hand anytime soon--there are free computer programs for that--but I definitely want to be able to interpret one, instead of relying on others to do it for me.
So I started with a basic, but thick, book, and it's taking me through all the planets and all the signs. This evening, I started my study of Pisces, which is ruled by Neptune.
If you have read much of the rest of this blog, you know that Neptune is one tricky little fucker. Neptune has quite the way of creating a beautiful dream that you believe is true--then, BANG! There's a VERY rude awakening when you see that it is not.
Now, Chi has done this once to Rory and once to me, and my transits warn and warn me about Neptune. And as I read about the sign of Pisces, ruled by Neptune, it sounds an awful lot like him. But I noticed I relate to a lot of it as well. As part of my study, I went on Astro.com, where most of my transit and horoscope readings quoted in this blog come from, and printed off my, Chi's and Rory's detailed charts. The computer will find and count all the aspects of all the planets for you, for free.
So I decided to check Chi's and my natal charts and count up all the Neptune aspects.
Chi has five. That's a pretty strong Neptune. I wasn't surprised. I expected that all the Neptune in our relationship is coming from him.
Until I counted up the Neptune in my chart.
Nine fucking Neptune aspects. NINE.
Um, so now we see who really has the Neptune, here. Well, we both do, but I can't blame him for all of it. I have wayyy more than my share. What's really happening here is that this person has activated all these Neptune lessons I was put here to learn.
Simon, my stalwart, departed husband, would NEVER have activated all this unhealed, not-in-touch-with-reality, needs-to-learn-in-these-areas stuff in my character, because SIMON NEVER, EVER WOULD HAVE LIED TO ME OR TO HIMSELF.
That is because Simon had excellent self-esteem and excellent self-worth. Problems from childhood he may have had, but zero self-worth was not one of them. So he would never, never, never, never need to act, to pretend, to present himself or try to convince himself that he was something other than his true self, BECAUSE HE DID NOT HAVE THIS PATHOLOGICAL OVERWHELMING NEED FOR HIS SIGNIFICANT OTHER'S APPROVAL.
Only lowlowlowlow self-esteem creates that.
So it was as if Simon came along, we fit like yin and yang, we had this wonderful relationship for eleven years, and then he said, "Well, I'm getting old (we had a twenty-one year age difference), and you need to learn these few things and I'm never going to be able to teach them to you. I have high self-esteem, and to learn these things you need someone who absolutely deplores himself, but clearly is a good person and has no reason to. Someone you absolutely adore and whom it will just break your heart to watch suffer and not get well.
JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER.
So I'm going to contract a brain tumor, shuffle off to Buffalo, you're going to raise your self-esteem a lot taking care of me, and before I shuffle off this mortal coil, I'm going to let you know that your next teacher really has a thing for you, so you'll find each other during the most awful time of your lives and have an affair, which you wouldn't under any other circumstances, and which you definitely wouldn't if I hadn't told you I know he likes you. You need to learn this stuff, and you can't learn any more from me, so here ya go!"
O
M
G.
Our Davisons (You don't know what a Davison relationship horoscope is?? If you're in a relationship, do please get one immediately!) tell both Chi and me, and both Simon and me, that we arrive in each other's lives with important lessons to teach each other.
I think I just found out what Chi is here to teach me. It's all just too, too, too, too motherfucking accurate.
I will elaborate on how, but it's a little too long for this post, so I will do this in the next one.
I also think it's pretty obvious what I am here to teach Chi, and there are predictions that I'm not done yet. Hence the post I put up prior to this one.
The question is, what happens to the relationship after that?
Because, when one person is primed to LIE and the other person is primed to WANT TO BELIEVE THE LIES...
How do you know when, or if, it's ever safe to trust?
Especially when, in every other way, the two of you are perfect compliments to one another? If the person GOT WELL, it would be one thing...
But if they aren't getting well, and they can act and lie so consummately that you will never be able to tell until your whole world falls in in ten to sixteen years...
This is bad.
Badbadbadbadbadbad.
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