WHY does the truly nice person cheat?

FUTURE

Currently, this person is incapable of treating me well.

Currently, this person is incapable of treating me well.

CURRENTLY, THIS PERSON IS INCAPABLE OF TREATING ME WELL.

Wow.

I’ve known this person almost twenty years at the time of this writing, and this is the first time I’ve ever been able to see this BIG FACT clearly.

This person, furthermore, is incapable of treating ANYONE well, at least in an intimate couple relationship.

The first time I scribbled myself this note, as I often scribble down ideas for this blog, I went on about how I didn’t know why I didn’t see this before.

Now I do.

I didn’t know this before because I didn’t know that he was an adult child of an alcoholic. And when I did discover that, I didn’t realize his ACoA problems were this bad.

When I first met Chi, I didn’t hear anything that didn’t mesh with my ideal of what I wanted and needed in a man. He was the sweetest, the nicest, the most darling man. That was what wrung my heart over how unhappy he was. If he'd been a rat, hitting on me, I would have said, "Yuck!" and run the other way. But he wasn't. He was handsome, he was funny, he was ADORABLE. I couldn't for the life of me understand why his wife was acting like such an ASS.

He was unhappy at having a wife who didn’t pull her own weight. Therefore, I concluded, and correctly, I still assume, that he will be a person who will pay his share, do his share. I’ve been so tired in my life of struggling to do everything by myself, and I have had some pretty bad situations dumped on me to handle just about all by myself. I heard tales of a wife who, yes, appeared to be quite a slacker, and when I began a closer relationship with Chi and heard more, I was absolutely appalled at some of the behavior I heard about.

But. What I wasn’t seeing was his complete inability to do the most important, the most important, the most important thing in any relationship: Be himself, and promptly, clearly, and consistently tell the truth about who he is, how he feels, and what he wants.And have a little fucking self esteem of his own that isn't dependent on having someone else bolstering and bolstering and holding him up all the time, moment to moment to moment.

This part, was hiding.

It was hiding behind Rory’s behavior. When you try and try to tell your truth to someone, and that person bites your head off, finds something you feel insecure about and attacks you with it, puts you down and embarrasses you in public, cuts off communication, won’t snuggle, and cuts off the sex, and you don’t feel great about yourself anyway—and you don’t want to leave and hurt your kids—you’re going to just stop talking to the person.

It looked like it was all Rory’s fault.

Especially when he could tell me things he’d never told anyone else EVER. When you see that, you think, It’s her. All he needs is a change of partner. And I’m wayyy better at this communication stuff than she is, so Problem Solved.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

What I didn’t see was such low, low self esteem that this person won’t tell his truth to anyone who gets too close. Because he thinks he’s such a subpar romantic partner that if he disappoints the woman in any way, she won’t love him anymore. All Rory did was get angry for five minutes and blame everything that went wrong in the marriage on him, and she had him back again. Out of guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt. I didn’t hear one thing in that goodbye phone call that sounded like, We really love each other, I can’t leave her, she’s my wife, we’ve found each other again.

I heard guilt. Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt. When, I’m truly sorry to say it, but any idiot could look at the behavior I’d been hearing about for five months and know perfectly well that it was NOT all Chi’s fault. Not by a long shot.

So when I first met him, all the information I was exposed to was all the ways he’d make me a good partner, and during the four months we were in love all I was exposed to was him trusting me and telling me the truth.

I was not exposed to his fear of telling anyone too close the truth until the very end.

While he was with me, he felt good about himself. That made it easier to do the things a non-ACoA person would do: Recognize how deeply painful the relationship was and how it didn’t meet his needs. Notice the hateful way she often acted. Understand that nobody deserves to be treated that way, and make a comparison of how I made him feel vs. how she made him feel. Envision a better life. Know he was worth it.

Until she handed him guilt, and punctured that fragile self esteem again. Bye-bye!

I started out with a picture of him as a much healthier person than he actually was, and I didn’t see any evidence to disprove that until that last phone call.

And my vision’s been clouded still in all the months since.

Clouded by how happy I was. I didn’t want to let go of it.

Clouded by what a terrible thing I did in approaching a married man, and all of society’s mores concerning that. In this society, I am a bitch

                          bitch

bitch

                                                                                 BITCH

                                              BITCH.

So of course I lost him. I am a bitch!

Therefore, it was all my fault.

After all, we all believe the marriage is always best, (unless you’re Hillary and you go back to Bill), and anything that’s not the marriage is therefore bad.

So I beat myself up for several months over that. And I was insecure, and trying to acquire a helpmate in life. User! Manipulative!! So I beat myself up for several months over that. And, of course, all two people in a bad marriage need to do is talk things out, and so I beat myself up several more months over that.

And he’s such a good person. Such a sweet person. He truly is one of the gentlest, kindest souls I have ever, or will ever, meet. He is not a user. He is not a player. He is not a commitmentphobe. He is not a psychopath. He is a dear, darling, smart, sharp, hardworking, fair, sweet, sweet person.

So how can he ever treat anyone badly?

It has taken me an entire year and a half to realize that he will always treat the one closest to him badly, because he’s trying too hard not to!

(Yes, Virginia, you can be too damned sweet.)

When you cannot be honest, you will always,

                                                                                                 always,

                                always,

ALWAYS

hurt the person you love and destroy your relationship,

BECAUSE

you will pretend

                                              and pretend

                                                                     and pretend

                                                                                          and pretend

AND PRETEND

to be what they want until it

HURTS SO BADLY

that you can’t do it anymore.

And, if you are ACoA,

YOU STILL CAN’T STOP PRETENDING.

And that, my friends, is when you start to do things that hurt the other person SO MUCH MORE

than simply TELLING THE TRUTH IN THE FIRST PLACE ever would

that you are a clear and present danger to anyone you are in an intimate relationship with.

If we’d stayed together, this would have applied to me.

I grieved and grieved for a year and a half because I was reacting as if I’d be treated well. And as far as I knew, that was the case. He treated me well for four months. Because we didn’t live together, and he wasn’t afraid of losing me.

I wonder what the odds are that he’s being truthful now. He probably feels so guilty about the affair, and so thankful that the wife who rejected him for twenty years is acting loving again, that he’s doing the whole thing over.

                           AnythingbutdisappointRoryanythingbutdisappointRoryanythingbutdisappointRory

EspeciallyafterthehorriblethingIdid.

If I see him again, it’s because he’s done the whole thing over,

And it hurts too much not to be himself.

It hurts to play someone other than yourself. It really, really hurts.

And WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.

I don't care how Mom and Dad treated you, that doesn't make you bad. There isn't anything wrong with you, and you're supposed to be yourself. If you're not going to be yourself, why have a relationship? If all you want is to play a pleasing role and get your kudos for being other than who you really are, you can go to work and do that. You don't need a girlfriend, husband, or wife. Those are the people who are supposed to know and love THE REAL YOU.



 
Unless and until some people learn that, they will always end up destroying their relationship,

Because they believe it’s good to be someone else, and bad to be themselves

which leads to the WORST BEHAVIOR OF ALL,

which is done OUT OF THE MOST HORRIBLE PAIN.

And this is why Chi is not capable of treating me well. He’s only capable of treating me badly. Because to be dishonest in your intimate relationship is the WORST TREATMENT short of abuse that you can give someone. Because it's a relationship destroyer. It makes your whole relationship FAKE.  And a fake relationship, one in which you can't be yourself, one in which don't get your needs met, is one that's going to have a third party in it pretty darn soon.


But ACoA-ness, codependency, childhood abuse, low self-esteem make you believe that dishonesty is the right thing, because today it makes your partner happy. And this is very difficult to unlearn. Because you believe if anyone knew the real you, they couldn't love you.

This is very sad. But it does make it easier to let go of someone.

And it does make it easier to change your stance toward them to one that will promote health. Before, I was trying to trade love for devotion. “I’ll treat you the way you always wanted to be treated, and in return, you will be…

SO grateful.”

Ugh.

So I'm not talking about the sociopaths. I'm not talking about the commitmentphobes. I'm not talking about the sex addicts, the Anthony Weiners who just CANNOT keep their weiners in their pants.


The truly nice, decent, sweet, loving people who really don't want to hurt anyone? This is why they are having an affair with you.


And it's no substitute for therapy.


It's no substitute for finally learning, waywaywayway deep down, that you are a lovable person.

Why you should never, never, NEVER, never judge when you hear about an affair...and why you should be wary of participating in one, Book Two

PRESENT


As I said, you never, ever, ever

                    EVER

see a current or potential affair the way it really is on your first glance. 

Or your second.

(Maybe you will on your third.)

Which is why it would behoove you, should you discover that your best friend is cheating on his wife of thirty-five years, whom you like and respect, not to light into him with judgement and castigation, until you know a wholewholewholewhole 

LOT MORE.

And why, should you be thinking of actually striking something up with that person you've kind of liked for a long time, even though there's a third party already involved, you should pause. Until you know a wholewholewholewhole

LOT MORE.


Let's start, shall we, with a couple of real-life examples, drawn, as it were, from my own very painful real-life experience.

Let's say you are an old friend of Rory and Chi's. You've known this couple forEVER. They're so charming, so sweet, they seem so good together. He has a very successful career, she's a wonderful homemaker and mother, they raised two beautiful children. The oldest had a beautiful wedding and now has a beautiful child herself. When you've had problems  in your marriage and wondered about walking out, you always looked sideways at this couple, and Rory and Chi always gave you hope that marriage could work...for somebody, at least.

Suddenly, you hear the impossible! Chi moved out?? After thirty-five years of wedded bliss?? And--HE HAS ANOTHER WOMAN??

Poor Rory!!

OH, my God. Not this couple!

And what are you going to do the next time you see Chi? How are you going to act??

Because you KNOW the TRUTH, right?? In that big beautiful house, they've lived thirty-five years of wedded bliss, and now Chi's just decided to turn bad, right?? Because YOU saw them out and about and things always LOOKED wonderful. Right???

WRONG.

If you could get the peek into reality that I've just had, if Chi ever sat down with you and told you the truth, what you would hear is that for the past twenty years, Rory, in the privacy of their home, has behaved like a plastic person. She doesn't really respond to anything, when they're alone, with any semblance of real emotion. She responds in five words or less. She tells Chi what a perfect husband he is in a monotone deadpan. She doesn't want to go on vacation. She doesn't want to curl up and snuggle. They've had sex two to three times a year for the past ten years. That's what you'd hear. And Chi feels so beaten up about it that he thinks he's worthless. And he believes that all marriages are like this, so there's nothing else to do but sit there and feel horrible. About marriage. About himself. About life.

Would you believe it?

Chances are you'd try to argue, just like Hope did. But, but-but-but-but-BUT.

Things aren't really what they looked on the surface to you at all, now, were they? Before you argue, try to feel this man's pain, please. 

Especially since ACoA's have spent their whole lives long ignored and treated like they weren't worth being around, as has anyone with a parent who was affected by drugs or mental illness. They felt like lower life forms anyway, not as good as other people, and then they marry someone like this. Now they feel worse.

You didn't know that about your friend, did you? Did you?

He sort of had reason to go out and find someone else, didn't he? Because how can you ask for more in your marriage, if you don't understand that there's more to be had? That not everyone will treat you like this? That you don't deserve to be treated like this??

(And that you really should be in therapy, which, thank heavens, someone finally got you to do!)

Next time you find out someone you know, or some public figure has had an affair, don't be so quick to judge. In this case, it LOOKED like someone was just being unreasonable, mean, and selfish, when really there were deep-seated emotional problems on both sides going back to childhood. You really didn't know the whole situation. 

And in any affair situation you might hear about, you really don't.

                                   ****

Now. You there, thinking of stepping into a relationship where there's already someone in the spot you want, or stepping out of one when you haven't divorced your spouse. The same phenomenon is likely to affect you in the coming months, in ways you can't even imagine yet.  

I was the conquering hero, saving him from Bad Old Rory. Who knew why she was acting the way she was? We only knew one thing: It was bad. Real bad.

And I was the one who saw he was ACoA, who knew enough to insist he find himself a therapist, who talked him down over the phone on one of the worst nights of his life (I won't even say where Rory was, only that he'd been going around the house crying all week; she didn't even notice and had left town). I was the one who showed him he was lovable and sexy--and he believed me! This tall, handsome, sharp, smart, successful, sweet, sexy guy believed in himself again. And I had done that. While she was still acting like a world class horse's ass.

I was going to win this fantastic guy, Rory would get what she deserved, and we would be happy ever after!

That was what it looked like at first. That was what I thought.

We spent so much time puzzling over Rory's behavior. She said what to you?? Why is she acting like that??

At first I thought she was just there for security. Chi is quite successful, after all. Then one morning I woke out of a sound sleep: She doesn't love him! Poor Chi! 

I spent a good deal of time very angry at Rory. I felt vindicated by how she treated him.

BUT...having a parent with mental illness teaches you a lot. Especially if you've read

                       and read

and read
                                                                and read

                                      and read  

about it. I read a ton of relationship books, too, which is one reason my marriage with Simon worked out so well. And one thing I knew from all that reading is that if one partner in a marriage is emotionally unwell, the other person is, too. Healthy people are only attracted to healthy people, and unhealthy people are only attracted to unhealthy people. So if Chi was so very desperately ACoA, something had to be wrong with Rory.

I was just damned if I could figure out what it was.

It looked like she was just being an ASS. 

And then, one day, Chi told me ONE thing she said that turned the light on. I started to realize why she was doing what she was doing, and I understood a little more how she felt and what it was like to be her.

I just didn't understand how it started.

I had a dilemma then. Do I tell Chi? If I do, I could lose him.

But I couldn't know what I knew and not say anything. 

It wasn't fair.

So I told him. And I told him he might have a chance at saving his marriage if he invited her to marriage counseling.

I won't put his reply here in case Rory ever happens along. She would find it hurtful. But I could totally see why he felt that way.

He didn't change his mind until much later, for a very ACoA reason.

And after he did, I was devastated.

I thought he'd made his decision and moved out, and that was it. Right?

I thought we were past all the hardest spots. 

Little did I know what ACoA guilt can do to a person.

I can only hope it's worked out for them now. Because if it isn't, Chi is going to be in quite a fix.

The other reason I hope it's worked out for them is this video I posted before, but will post one more time, because the information is extremely valuable. If I had seen it before my relationship with Chi, I probably wouldn't have entered the relationship.

Here it is:

The Slaughter of Trust, by the wonderful Mark Smith  


After I saw this, I realized: This is what I was looking at. This is why they were together. She really IS his other half.

(There's also a bit about what you have to do when the other person----WILL NOT work in therapy...well, you need to fire that person. And Chi needs to apply that to Rory, and I need to apply that to Chi.)
 
And I will bet any amount of money that this is Rory.

And NOW I know that.

                                   ****

Not what I thought in the beginning, now, was it??

                                   ****

And that's the thing about an affair.

It never is. 

Ah, but then I dug deeper.

Then I read some other stuff, and then I learned more.

NOW what I know is THIS: 

First Glance: "This poor guy. He's wonderful, and he's married to this cold, bitchy woman who doesn't love him and who's just using him. I know how to treat him, he's in therapy, so when we're together everything will be hunky-dory. (And it will be because of me.) <---There's MY problem, which I needed to be woken up to, and which Chi did very nicely.   

Second Glance: "She is in as much pain as he is, and they picked each other out of old childhood wounds they need to heal. Ideally, they'll do this together, so I really didn't belong there. Except 'the other woman' was necessary to give them both a good swift kick and get them into therapy together finally."

Third Glance: "These problems are WAYYY worse than I even saw on my second glance. If they have a GOOD therapist who understands abandonment and engulfment issues and the need to do family of origin work, they might be OK. 

If it doesn't work, and he shows up again, this guy has very serious problems, and this relationship could be very, very painful."


Wow.

Who saw that coming?? 

See what I mean? When an affair starts, you never, never

                    ever, ever

ever see what's really coming. 

If it's someone you know who's cheating, just shut the fuck up. You do NOT know the truth.

And if it's YOU getting ready to have the affair, look out.

It's not what it looks like.

It's way worse than what it looks like.

YOU DON'T SEE IT COMING.

You really don't. 

And that's why I named this blog, "All Too Easy."

When you're attracted to someone who's already with someone else...or you're with someone already and you're looking at a third party, it always seems like just the solution to some problem you're having.


Yeah, right.

Cue Darth Vader: "All Too Easy."