Sunday, August 27, 2017

A Flash From The Past...


I wrote this back in May of 2016.

I went back and looked at my current horoscope transits, trying to find the answer to this yod. What AM I being tested on? How DO I pass?

I’ve read these things only about a jillion times and only now are they beginning to make sense. They say, in brief, that something horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible has happened/is happening in my life. That I’m taking it, and myself, so seriously that I’m able to be extremely creative. That I have foresight right now and can recognize opportunities. That there’s a danger I may behave ruthlessly and hurt other people very badly. That this is so bad I’m struggling to survive psychologically, but that something about this works in my favor…eventually.

That I’m horribly, painfully lonely. That I finally see that I really haven’t had a good life overall, and that I’m expecting just compensation as if this were a courtroom, that I’ve been expecting it like a little child expecting to go to Disneyland one day. That I finally see that life never works this way, and I decide to give this fantasy up for good. 

That I need to give up the ideas that I’ll get what I think I deserve, that there will always be someone to love me, and that perfect love or lasting happiness can or should occur. That I need to give up believing that love and relationships will support me and that support from other people will always be there to make me happy. That I am an adult, not a child, and I am now alone to fend for myself. That I need to stop being this emotional child and grow up now and take care of myself on my own, or this will just happen all over again. (In 2020-2021, when I have The. Worst. Horoscope. Ever. Apparently I didn’t learn my lesson.)

That I feel so desperate I don’t make good decisions. That I have this deep, deep need for life and circumstances to treat me very, very well, and I need this so badly I might do anything, and that’s bad. That I just want to go back to the kind of relationship I had with Simon, and that’s not going to be available to me any time soon. That I need to find a project to hunker down and work on, don’t get into drugs, don’t start drinking, and don’t fall for another relationship where it looks like “everything’s perfect.” As long as I need that, I’m going to be miserable.

Life is tough and cold for a good long time, and I’m going to be alone in it. Happily or unhappily is up to me.

I also read that something is coming up in September that’s going to upset me, but I’m finding some way to look at life so these things don’t slaughter me anymore. This aspect of it is good. And whatever it is that happens, not to get upset, fly off the handle, and do something stupid, because what I do helps shape what happens next. That all I can do to help things is just sit tight and try to see the deeper reason it’s all happening.

That something life-shakingly horrible has happened to my entire world view. (And yeah, I can really see this.) That I’m reacting very painfully and dramatically, either becoming horribly depressed or trying to control other people. That I’m supposed to use this time to take care of myself and understand myself, and to control myself, not other people. That I’m supposed to honor my feelings but DO NOT strike out at anyone. 

I’m supposed to be learning about myself and about the worse aspects of human nature, achieve deep insight, and become strong enough to cope with this. These things happen to the best people, and I’m just supposed to toughen up and deal with it. That there’s no easy answer to this, I’m in a situation I don’t morally agree with, and this is the challenge. That I’m supposed to be strong and behave with integrity. NO power trips, NO manipulation. That this is an extremely important time and how I choose to handle it is important. (Sounds like my yod, right?) That this is just a really, really bad time and I’m supposed to be developing myself and my character. That I’m supposed to be learning detachment and self-sufficiency. That I’m supposed to become absolutely and fully able to handle anything life dishes out, all by myself and all alone. 

This has a lot to do with what comes next...

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