Alone.

PRESENT

After writing the blog before last, I found myself very seriously depressed. 

I realized that I really do have a fundamental need for companionship. For something other than people at work and casual acquaintances. Those people aren't close; they don't really know me. And if I died tomorrow, they wouldn't really miss me. 

I’ve had to cut family mostly out due to the intractable mental health issues, and the family I have who are supportive are many states away. The same for the close friendships I do have.

It’s not like I haven’t tried to find like-minded people. I have been widowed three and a half years. I have attended rune classes, astrology classes--all things I'm interested in, and I want to meet people who share that interest. I belong to two writers' groups. (That is, after all, how I met Simon and Chi.) I travel for work. There's only so many evenings I can go out places. I'm also trying to jog and get exercise, and that takes time.

The fact is, I am still really, really

                                                                          really, really

                                                                                                    really, really 

                                                                         LONELY.

And there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. I clung to the idea of Chi for as long as I could, but either the astrology is wrong and he doesn't show up...

or he does show up and he's juuuuust not quite ready for prime time.

In that case, I have to throw him back. And who knows? If you look at the astrology, I have a good chance of seeing him again no matter what, but if he looks sick, I'm throwing a BIG monkey wrench in that timeline. 

It could be that if I do, I never see him again. 

And, if he's determined to stay a sick codependent, and never to get his feet on the path to wellness and STAY THERE,

it's the best thing.

MY life is a place you come to GET WELL. (If he wants to be sick, he doesn't need me for that.) 

I'm pleased to say it looks like there are opportunities for me to find someone else someday, but sadly, those aren't coming for a long

              long

                                      LONG

                                                                   long

time.

I'm beginning to understand that you can't simply order the Universe to pony up with what you need. I need close friendships and supportive relationships, people who feel like family. At least one or two people, anyway.

I've been widowed almost four years, and nothing like that has shown up. I can't make it show up.

And when the Universe just won't show up with what you need, there's nothing to do but go without it.

That was making me very, very sad. Very, very depressed.

When I was young, I used to live in a dreamworld. I'd make up stories--when I was a young child they were about talking animals--and that sustained me in a world of cruel schoolmates, and a mother who just wasn't all there. 

Then I lived in another dreamworld: I was going to be a writer and I was going to publish this and this. And these dreams mattered because they were going to help people.

Now I know better. I was married to a writer who made the finals for two national awards, and most people have never heard of him. It really doesn't matter how good you are. In a field that is in any way artistic, it really doesn't matter if you are any good at all.

A person needs a sense of companionship, and also needs a sense of worth. At least I do, and without either, I find I am very, very depressed and really, really struggling.

Why am I here? What is the point? How do I make my life feel satisfying?

Because directing a sick codependent onto the right path, should I once again be called upon to do so, is a worthy thing to do, but it does have the unfortunate side effect of leaving me all alone indefinitely.

I went early to the movie dinner theater, and I was sitting outside typing blogs, munching popcorn, and enjoying a strawberry mango lemon drop.

And I noticed how nice it was outside. Sunshine, beautiful weather. Just a few yards away, a sparkling fountain tinkled diamond water in a dozen little waterfalls. In front of me, brilliant pink flowers nodded their heads outside an iron picket fence. 

It was just the sort of thing Simon, or Chi, would have loved. But I was there alone.

And I realized that Simon is still there with me, as a guardian angel, whether I can see him or not.

And Chi? Well, it's his choice to miss times like that. It's his choice to be well, or to stay ill. It's his choice who he wants to be with, and whether he wants to let old child feelings of unworthiness and guilt grab the bit and carry him away like runaway horses.

Because that is all they are. Old child feelings. NOT fact.

I will still be there, just alone. And the flowers are just as lovely, and the fountain just as grand.

I reread what I was writing, and I know there is wisdom in it. I know that most people drawn into affairs will never consider these things, and most people drawn into affairs will therefore cause a lot of trouble and ruin a lot of lives. I know that I am wise to see what I see, and brave to plan what I plan. 

I know that I have worth.

I have to believe that what I write still has some worth, even if only ten people even see this.

That's pretty much all I can hope for, and that's pretty much all I have.

I know I'm a good person, and I deserve love and companionship, even if I never find it again.

I can't make the Universe show up with it. It shows up, or it doesn't, and if it doesn't, I have to find a way to sit here alone and survive. 

I can't run back into the arms of a sick codependent 

who can't find the courage to buck friends and family who don't understand

that he needs to leave another sick codependent. 

I can't ruin his life enabling him to remain sick, or mine enabling him to stay with me and show me a fake face.

I need a real relationship with someone who is willing and able to remain real. 

And if the Universe decrees that I've already had my last one, it's my job to live my life as it is without going nuts.

Life isn't always happy. It doesn't always bring us what we need. The objective is to survive in spite of that, and to do the right thing anyway. To learn to live without what we thought we needed. 

After such a happy time being married to Simon, I thought I needed a relationship like that in order to survive.

I guess my real job must be to learn to live without closeness in my life. If this wasn't my real job, the right people would be showing up now. They're not.

New project: Quit running around looking for people and accept that right now I'm not meeting any. Live my life utterly alone and learn how to be happy, utterly alone.

And two thoughts accomplish that: 

1.) I Have Worth.

2.) What I write has worth. Whether anyone sees it or not.