Grieving the Married Man

PAST

 

If you follow me on Twitter or on Facebook, you will have seen that recently I, yes, attracted yet ANOTHER married man.

WTF?? Do I have a sign around my neck or something?

I wanted to like the guy (well, before I found out he was married), I really did. Every time some new guy shows up at a club meeting, I think, maybe this one will be interested; if so, I should give him a chance. Maybe this will be the new healthy relationship with an available person of like mind who will make me forget about Chi.

That’s the litmus test for a man these days. If he can make me forget about Chi, he’s got real potential. I try to give ‘em a chance, I do.

I didn’t like this guy before I found out he was married. Well, no, I don’t mean that. He’s a perfectly personable human being. Before, I guess, he started IM’ing me incessantly in that annoying way, and then at the end of one meeting he turns to me and finds an excuse to invade my space and stroke his hand up and down my arm. That was about the moment that, “I’m trying to like the guy,” turned to, “Ewwww!!!”

He's a smart enough person, and definitely accomplished. It’s just that everything about his personality reminds me of everything Chi was and this person is not.

When a guy you loved more than anything dumps you, and then you realize the emotional problems the guy had, do a little research, and find that some manifestations of these problems are downright scary in terms of the health and longevity of a relationship, you start to think maybe you dodged a bullet. And it’s easy to accentuate the negative, and separate yourself from the situation.  


I was lucky, you think. This person can never have a healthy relationship with anyone, not without a whole, whole lotta work he didn’t seem willing to contemplate (and frankly, his therapist didn’t seem to have a clue, either. Was one senile or the other less than forthcoming?) How would I ever know when he was being real with me and when he wasn’t? How will I ever know that this decision he says is OK with him now won’t come back and haunt me in ten years: “I’ve never really been happy with that. I just acquiesced to please you, because I was too afraid you wouldn’t love me if I didn’t. And then I couldn’t be myself, so I talked about you instead of to you and now I’m cheating on you.” 


I love you, you love me, stuck in codependency!

Then a guy like this Ewwww Dude comes along and makes you remember, by comparison, all the things you fell in love with. I was having a hard time, for a while, remembering Chi’s voice. I remembered his face, all right. He has such a handsome face and the most beautiful blue eyes. But suddenly his voice came back to me. He really does have a lovely voice. And I remembered what it was like having him around. He has such a nimble mind. Such a sneaky and original sense of humor. He’d come up with some one-liner nobody else would ever have thought of, and it was always just so funny and so right. He was so smart, so curious and so interested in everything. He knew so much about books and movies I’ve never heard of, music I’d never heard of. Every year or so he’d come to a club meeting talking about some new hobby or activity he was into that I’d never known existed. He was multitalented and very good at all he did. He could debate anything and everything with a keen intelligence and no trace of ego or superiority. Long before we got together, while I was still married to Simon, even, I’d notice when Chi wasn’t there, and I’d miss him. And I adored Simon. He was the love of my life.

And this oaf made me remember all this. Not that I’d forgotten it, but in my fear of How Chi Could Destroy My Life (Not To Mention: His Own), it had gotten a little fuzzy.

It isn’t fuzzy anymore.

My therapist says I am experiencing a wave of grief. Yep.

Like I haven’t had enough of that already. I’m a young widow, for fuck’s sake.

I know that I truly love Chi. Yes, mixed up in that at the beginning was some pathological stuff. I was afraid for my future, afraid of facing life alone, attracted to his competence in the world and the things he can do so well that I was afraid of doing. I was addicted to the wonder-woman high of trying to save my mentally ill mother since early childhood. I was chuffed that such a smart, such a funny, such a sweet, nice, tall, handsome, well-off, good-looking, sexy, adorable guy with such a beautiful voice would actually want me.

But get over all that (and I did. It’s clear to me now that I am doing just fine, and I can survive on my own quite well, thank you. And I know now that I am something special, and he would be lucky to have me.) Get over all that—and there’s an awful lot left over.

To me, love is not only when you can put the welfare of someone else above your own needs—you don’t love someone if you will cause them pain to get your needs met—but also when you just love who they are. When that quality of mind that that person has, the tenor of their voice, the way they furrow their brow when they concentrate…the way you know something that just happened is going to draw some original and funny dry barb out of them and you wait to see what it is, and then it just hits the air like a little firecracker, and you just sit there and say, Wow…

That’s love. When every way of the person’s being who he is is just precious to you, and you know you will be forever poorer for his loss. And you cry just typing the words.

Who knows if horoscopes are correct? Maybe Chi and Rory found each other again, maybe they got excellent help, maybe they’ve both worked their asses off in therapy and their marriage is very, very happy now. Maybe Chi is looking back on me now with shame, embarrassment, and regret. Maybe I will always be the villain in their story, not only to Rory, but also to him. But the love I gave him and still do was a true gift, whether he is ashamed of it or not. And as I sat there in tears in therapy today, I knew that. I’ll always be glad I gave it, and I’ll always be glad I knew him, whether I’m just shameful and embarrassing to him now, or not.

None of this pity party should suggest in any way that Chi should have picked me. Chi should not pick me because I’m sad. Not because I’m crying, not because I miss him, not because I appreciate the way he has of being in the world, not because I’m unhappy without him. Those things are MY problem, not his. The only reason Chi should consider picking me is if I’m the right one for him. If, in his judgement, I’m the right one for him. That’s the only reason anyone should choose anyone. We all have that right to make that choice for ourselves. We don’t make it because of other people, we don’t make it for other people, and it’s never good to allow other people to make that choice for us. The only reason to make it is when it’s the best choice, for US. If Chi picked me, he’d have to live with me. Nobody else would have to do that.

I have been blessed twice in my life by men with these fabulous minds and personalities: Simon and Chi. Both precious, wonderful souls, both fascinating, extraordinary men. Most women don’t even get blessed to be with a guy like this once. So I know how lucky I’ve been. Knowing what many women, friends of mine, have been “blessed” with in this  department, I know I have no right to complain.

The truth is that, for each of us, one day will be the last day we have sex, the last time we hold the one close to us, the last day we ever have the love of a special other in our lives again. For me, that day may have already come and gone. (Unfortunately, I’m very hard to please.)

But when the guy is married, and he goes back to his wife—and 99,999 times out of 100,000, they do, no matter what he says or what the situation is, how long you knew him, how much you know he really doesn’t want to hurt you, or how good a person he is—this is the special flavor of the grief you will be left with.

And that is why you stay the fuck away from married men.

WHY does the truly nice person cheat?

FUTURE

Currently, this person is incapable of treating me well.

Currently, this person is incapable of treating me well.

CURRENTLY, THIS PERSON IS INCAPABLE OF TREATING ME WELL.

Wow.

I’ve known this person almost twenty years at the time of this writing, and this is the first time I’ve ever been able to see this BIG FACT clearly.

This person, furthermore, is incapable of treating ANYONE well, at least in an intimate couple relationship.

The first time I scribbled myself this note, as I often scribble down ideas for this blog, I went on about how I didn’t know why I didn’t see this before.

Now I do.

I didn’t know this before because I didn’t know that he was an adult child of an alcoholic. And when I did discover that, I didn’t realize his ACoA problems were this bad.

When I first met Chi, I didn’t hear anything that didn’t mesh with my ideal of what I wanted and needed in a man. He was the sweetest, the nicest, the most darling man. That was what wrung my heart over how unhappy he was. If he'd been a rat, hitting on me, I would have said, "Yuck!" and run the other way. But he wasn't. He was handsome, he was funny, he was ADORABLE. I couldn't for the life of me understand why his wife was acting like such an ASS.

He was unhappy at having a wife who didn’t pull her own weight. Therefore, I concluded, and correctly, I still assume, that he will be a person who will pay his share, do his share. I’ve been so tired in my life of struggling to do everything by myself, and I have had some pretty bad situations dumped on me to handle just about all by myself. I heard tales of a wife who, yes, appeared to be quite a slacker, and when I began a closer relationship with Chi and heard more, I was absolutely appalled at some of the behavior I heard about.

But. What I wasn’t seeing was his complete inability to do the most important, the most important, the most important thing in any relationship: Be himself, and promptly, clearly, and consistently tell the truth about who he is, how he feels, and what he wants.And have a little fucking self esteem of his own that isn't dependent on having someone else bolstering and bolstering and holding him up all the time, moment to moment to moment.

This part, was hiding.

It was hiding behind Rory’s behavior. When you try and try to tell your truth to someone, and that person bites your head off, finds something you feel insecure about and attacks you with it, puts you down and embarrasses you in public, cuts off communication, won’t snuggle, and cuts off the sex, and you don’t feel great about yourself anyway—and you don’t want to leave and hurt your kids—you’re going to just stop talking to the person.

It looked like it was all Rory’s fault.

Especially when he could tell me things he’d never told anyone else EVER. When you see that, you think, It’s her. All he needs is a change of partner. And I’m wayyy better at this communication stuff than she is, so Problem Solved.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

What I didn’t see was such low, low self esteem that this person won’t tell his truth to anyone who gets too close. Because he thinks he’s such a subpar romantic partner that if he disappoints the woman in any way, she won’t love him anymore. All Rory did was get angry for five minutes and blame everything that went wrong in the marriage on him, and she had him back again. Out of guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt. I didn’t hear one thing in that goodbye phone call that sounded like, We really love each other, I can’t leave her, she’s my wife, we’ve found each other again.

I heard guilt. Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt. When, I’m truly sorry to say it, but any idiot could look at the behavior I’d been hearing about for five months and know perfectly well that it was NOT all Chi’s fault. Not by a long shot.

So when I first met him, all the information I was exposed to was all the ways he’d make me a good partner, and during the four months we were in love all I was exposed to was him trusting me and telling me the truth.

I was not exposed to his fear of telling anyone too close the truth until the very end.

While he was with me, he felt good about himself. That made it easier to do the things a non-ACoA person would do: Recognize how deeply painful the relationship was and how it didn’t meet his needs. Notice the hateful way she often acted. Understand that nobody deserves to be treated that way, and make a comparison of how I made him feel vs. how she made him feel. Envision a better life. Know he was worth it.

Until she handed him guilt, and punctured that fragile self esteem again. Bye-bye!

I started out with a picture of him as a much healthier person than he actually was, and I didn’t see any evidence to disprove that until that last phone call.

And my vision’s been clouded still in all the months since.

Clouded by how happy I was. I didn’t want to let go of it.

Clouded by what a terrible thing I did in approaching a married man, and all of society’s mores concerning that. In this society, I am a bitch

                          bitch

bitch

                                                                                 BITCH

                                              BITCH.

So of course I lost him. I am a bitch!

Therefore, it was all my fault.

After all, we all believe the marriage is always best, (unless you’re Hillary and you go back to Bill), and anything that’s not the marriage is therefore bad.

So I beat myself up for several months over that. And I was insecure, and trying to acquire a helpmate in life. User! Manipulative!! So I beat myself up for several months over that. And, of course, all two people in a bad marriage need to do is talk things out, and so I beat myself up several more months over that.

And he’s such a good person. Such a sweet person. He truly is one of the gentlest, kindest souls I have ever, or will ever, meet. He is not a user. He is not a player. He is not a commitmentphobe. He is not a psychopath. He is a dear, darling, smart, sharp, hardworking, fair, sweet, sweet person.

So how can he ever treat anyone badly?

It has taken me an entire year and a half to realize that he will always treat the one closest to him badly, because he’s trying too hard not to!

(Yes, Virginia, you can be too damned sweet.)

When you cannot be honest, you will always,

                                                                                                 always,

                                always,

ALWAYS

hurt the person you love and destroy your relationship,

BECAUSE

you will pretend

                                              and pretend

                                                                     and pretend

                                                                                          and pretend

AND PRETEND

to be what they want until it

HURTS SO BADLY

that you can’t do it anymore.

And, if you are ACoA,

YOU STILL CAN’T STOP PRETENDING.

And that, my friends, is when you start to do things that hurt the other person SO MUCH MORE

than simply TELLING THE TRUTH IN THE FIRST PLACE ever would

that you are a clear and present danger to anyone you are in an intimate relationship with.

If we’d stayed together, this would have applied to me.

I grieved and grieved for a year and a half because I was reacting as if I’d be treated well. And as far as I knew, that was the case. He treated me well for four months. Because we didn’t live together, and he wasn’t afraid of losing me.

I wonder what the odds are that he’s being truthful now. He probably feels so guilty about the affair, and so thankful that the wife who rejected him for twenty years is acting loving again, that he’s doing the whole thing over.

                           AnythingbutdisappointRoryanythingbutdisappointRoryanythingbutdisappointRory

EspeciallyafterthehorriblethingIdid.

If I see him again, it’s because he’s done the whole thing over,

And it hurts too much not to be himself.

It hurts to play someone other than yourself. It really, really hurts.

And WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.

I don't care how Mom and Dad treated you, that doesn't make you bad. There isn't anything wrong with you, and you're supposed to be yourself. If you're not going to be yourself, why have a relationship? If all you want is to play a pleasing role and get your kudos for being other than who you really are, you can go to work and do that. You don't need a girlfriend, husband, or wife. Those are the people who are supposed to know and love THE REAL YOU.



 
Unless and until some people learn that, they will always end up destroying their relationship,

Because they believe it’s good to be someone else, and bad to be themselves

which leads to the WORST BEHAVIOR OF ALL,

which is done OUT OF THE MOST HORRIBLE PAIN.

And this is why Chi is not capable of treating me well. He’s only capable of treating me badly. Because to be dishonest in your intimate relationship is the WORST TREATMENT short of abuse that you can give someone. Because it's a relationship destroyer. It makes your whole relationship FAKE.  And a fake relationship, one in which you can't be yourself, one in which don't get your needs met, is one that's going to have a third party in it pretty darn soon.


But ACoA-ness, codependency, childhood abuse, low self-esteem make you believe that dishonesty is the right thing, because today it makes your partner happy. And this is very difficult to unlearn. Because you believe if anyone knew the real you, they couldn't love you.

This is very sad. But it does make it easier to let go of someone.

And it does make it easier to change your stance toward them to one that will promote health. Before, I was trying to trade love for devotion. “I’ll treat you the way you always wanted to be treated, and in return, you will be…

SO grateful.”

Ugh.

So I'm not talking about the sociopaths. I'm not talking about the commitmentphobes. I'm not talking about the sex addicts, the Anthony Weiners who just CANNOT keep their weiners in their pants.


The truly nice, decent, sweet, loving people who really don't want to hurt anyone? This is why they are having an affair with you.


And it's no substitute for therapy.


It's no substitute for finally learning, waywaywayway deep down, that you are a lovable person.